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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with my mother

11 replies

mumof2monsters · 23/01/2009 23:53

My mum lives on her own in west london and has donw since my dad died 6 years ago. I live 70 miles away from her. One of my brothers lives 20 mins from her and the other lives 1hr 30 from her.
She wants to move down and live near me and my family as her health is not the best.
I have applied to have her put on the local council housing waiting list and they say that because of her health she is priority.
Well she has demanded that she needs a two bed property (she is currently in a two bed) and the council have explained that is unlikely as there is only one of her. i suggested she have a one bed place and get a sofa bed for the lounge should any family want to visit.
No she will not get rid of any of her furniture as my dad paid for it. She will not get rid of anything (her words)and expects that she should get a 2 bed place and one big enough for all her stuff.
I have to say that my mum has hoarded loads of things since my dad left and it will take weeks to clear it when she does move
Question is if she really wants to be down by her family would she not compromise.
I work shifts full time, I have two kids 7 and 5 in school and she gets mad if I cannot go and see her when she has been ill (I do try to)
She just does not want to compromise and wants everything to fall in her lap. I think she is being a little selfish.

OP posts:

Original poster

mumof2monsters · 23/01/2009 23:54

Can I just add that my brothers are both wasters and do not bother much with her....it is always an effort even tho one lives close by

OP posts:

echt · 24/01/2009 00:20

YANBU, she is. As she will find out when the Council is unable to house her.

MadamDeathstare · 24/01/2009 01:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stickybun · 24/01/2009 01:15

OP Your situation sounds rather similar to mine. My Mum is 81 and has been widowed for 20 years. She is a hoarder and does not like where she lives but puts up strong obstructions to any new ideas. She is partially sighted and has other health issues; after years of trying to 'help' (because she often said she wasn't happy or coping) I have stopped. She isn't mad or housebound and has hobbies and friends. Rather than trying to tempt her with alternative lifestyles that might make her happy I have let her know that it is her decision but that I have done some homework about options and that she can ask me when she wants to. This seems to have taken the pressure off. I think that part of the 'tussle' was to do with her ideas about her own mortality; needing to feel in control about her life coming to an end at some point in the future. I think that this also was why I found it very upsetting. I have the latest form of attourney (altho we don't need to worry about that for the time being). It took me a long time and a lot of upset (that my Mum never knew of) to get to this point - I also have relatives who come into the chocolate-teapot category. Once I accepted this as reality (i.e. I would be the one making decisions etc.) it was surprisingly calming. Good luck with sorting things out

mamhaf · 24/01/2009 09:57

Yanbu. One of our friends has a theory, and from my own experience, I think it's right, that elderly people become like children again - unreasonable, self-centred and demanding.

There may be a few paragons who don't (in fact I have a very elderly aunt who's the most lovely person), but I've known quite a few who do fit that category.

I often wonder if there are undiscovered mental health issues too - hoarding can be a sign of that - although it's also a sign of being a "war baby".

Good luck - stickybun has given good advice here any maybe having a picture in your mind of your mum as a toddler could help.

mrsseanbean · 24/01/2009 10:08

Yanbu. And mamhaf's theory is right.

alicet · 24/01/2009 13:42

Agree with madamdeathstare

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/01/2009 14:26

YANBU

she will be staying where she is as council will NOT give her a 2 bed place

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 24/01/2009 14:30

My PIL are on a housing list and they want 2 bedrooms. THere are two of them and they will struggle to get it even though they have health reasons.

I take it your Mother is not listening to explanations that she will only get on bedroom as she is one preson. If she really wants to move then she will have to be less fussy, the council don't give you what you would like. It is what you need

pamelat · 24/01/2009 14:48

YANBU but I can (try) to imagine how she feels. I think it must be horrible to be old and to feel that you are moving down the ladder/or selling out.

She feels reluctant to move to a house that she perceives as "less" than she currently has (if she has a hoarder mentality this will not sit well?!) She sounds like my grandparents.

She has to accept that she has to sacrifice space in order to get everything else that she wants, ie) to be closer to you.

Ivykaty44 · 24/01/2009 14:54

I think your mum has a totally different expectation of "moving to be near to you" than what you actually realise....

She thinks you will be in and out of her house and company for her - that the gc will be at her place and also keeping her company.

i think you need to make your mum see the reality of her move rather than the dream she has in her head. I you dont your life could become dificult if she does get a council place near to you.

TBH if she is over 65 then she would be better looking at sheltered accomidation anyway - she will then have company and people to talk to as well as her own privacy in her own flat (but most sheltered accomidation is one bedroomed)

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