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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NOT ot force DS1 to go to his grans party?

21 replies

Kimi · 23/01/2009 11:41

Ok bit of history.
DH! and I are seperated, get on very well, and have to DSs age 12 and 8.
MIL lives at the other end of the country, I do not have any problem with her as such.

She lives close to her daughter who is a evil bitch, a bully and never happy unless she is making other people unhappy, DH1 and I have not spoken to this person for 2 years after she tried to stop me going to a family funeral that I was asked to attend, and then came out with the gem when we found out DS1 has special needs that we should have "put him down at birth" as you can see she is a charmer.

So MIL has clocked up 70 years and both her daughters have arranger a party, the other daughter is DH1s half sister and he might speak to her once a year, DH1 and both DSs were invited, MIL told DH she wanted to invite me but the daughters would not, DH1 is not mad keen on going as it is 250 miles away, he does not want to stay with his mother or any other family, so is staying with MY aunt the next county up (from Fri till Sun) and diving 80 miles to and from her house Saturday night for the party.

Ds2 is happy to go, mainly because my aunt has a new puppy and he is looking forward to staying with her for the weekend, but DS1 from the moment the invite arrived just before Christmas has point blank refused to go. His exact words were "I would rather eat poo and die then go and see those people"
He is 12, yes he has special needs but he has a 148 IQ and is a very kind good hearted little chap, I really feel he should go as it is his gran, she is getting old and I am sure she would like to see him.

He won't say why he won't go other then he wants nothing to do with those people, I have pointed out "those people" are his family, I have never said anything bad about them to him, my new DP and I have got MIL a card and gift, MIL and I speak on the phone once of twice a month so I can not for the life of me see why he wont go.

Should I tell him he has to go? Should I respect the fact he does not want to go.
So should I make him go? He would be really unhappy if I did I know and I would be really unhappy to make him, but I feel he should go see his gran, my own mum has been very unwell, we thought we might lose her at Christmas and she is still in hospital, (DS1 assures me that this is not the reason he won't go although MIL seems to think it is) but it has made me want him to spend what time he can with MIL as she wont be around forever.

Help....

OP posts:
ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 23/01/2009 11:43

I think 12 is old enough to make those decisions for yourself. I wouldn't force my 12 year old. Let your ex take the younger one, it'll be nice for them to have a couple of days together.

TotalChaos · 23/01/2009 11:43

I wouldn't make him go but try and arrange another time in the nearish future for him to go and see MIL.

Original poster
Kimi · 23/01/2009 11:45

DS2 has been off school from Tuesday poorly, cough, cold and so on, but if he stays home to I will be branded the wicked witch of the west.

I guess I have to accept DS1s decision.
If he does not go I am planning to take him out tomorrow for a mum and DS1 day

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimi · 23/01/2009 11:49

Thing is TC as MIL lives in Devon and we live near London it is a hell of a journey, MIL has been up to visit friends but does not pop in to see DH1 or our kids as it will upset her daughter....

I think DS1 has picked up on this, DPs mother got the first train from Cornwall to help out when my mum had her op, MIL did not offer to help at all, at 12 I guess DS understands more then I think

OP posts:
potoftea · 23/01/2009 15:18

I think you should respect his view and not force him to attend.
Obviously MIL isn't too fussed about a visit if she puts not upsetting her daughter ahead of getting to know her grandchildren, and your ds is well aware of the situation now.

Will forcing him to go do anyone any good?

He won't be happy, and may feel a bit betrayed by you, and will it be something that is a positive influence in his life?

I'd let him choose for himself. You are showing him a good example by having a good relationship with MIL, and that is more use I think.

FimbleHobbs · 23/01/2009 15:37

I don't have a 12 year old but I think I would do all I could to make sure he went to the party. Could you go down to your aunts with them - would that help at all? It would help if your MIL grew a backbone and invited YOU to the party...

biscuitchucker · 23/01/2009 15:42

Really tricky. What does DH1 think?

QS · 23/01/2009 15:46

I would not force him to go if I wasnt also invited to the party. So no, let him stay home.

KatieScarlett2833 · 23/01/2009 16:28

Perhaps he's heard the "put down at birth" comment and has decided that they are all awful. I wouldn't make him go.

smudgethepuppydog · 23/01/2009 16:28

I think he's old enough to make his own decisions. I'd be very suprised if he hadn't picked up on the vibe from his aunts and to eb honest I can see why he would choose not to spend time with people who have an attitude like that. You get along with your MIL but you're not invited either? tha's probably another reason he doesn't want to go. MY DS has Aspergers and he is fiercely loyal to me.If he percoieved I was being 'mistreated' he'd want nothing to d with the person doing the mistreating either.

Would he agree to see MIL if the family members who feel he should've been put down at birth weren't there?

Original poster
Kimi · 23/01/2009 19:32

Thank you all.
Well DH1 and DS2 have headed off to my aunts and DS1 is here with me and we are going to have a fun day out tomorrow.

DH1 did have words with his mother about her not inviting me as she and I have had no fall out and he said I should go with him anyway but to be honest (and I am being honest even if I get flamed for it) I could not be in a room with bitch she has for a daughter without feeling the need to smack her silly.

Sadly DS1 does know about the putting down at birth comment .
I am sad he did not go, DH1 looked like a man being sent to prison for 10 years but DS2 was excited about going to see my aunts puppy.My family all love DH1 and have no problem with him , and although a lot of people find it strange even though DH1 and I are not together we ARE and always will be a family.

I hope I have done the right thing by not forcing DS1 to have gone.

OP posts:
smudgethepuppydog · 23/01/2009 21:47

You have done the right thing. DS1 probably feels exactly the same way you do about the woman.

QS · 23/01/2009 21:49

You did the right thing. You have stood up for your boy.

Original poster
Kimi · 24/01/2009 13:23

I phoned MIL and wished her happy birthday and got DS1 to do the same.
MIL is not very happy about her party as her daughters have taken over and invited people MIL did not want there and not some of the ones she did, her Daughters EXh is going, it is going to be a bloodbath, so many people who dislike each other all in one room, wishing DS2 had stayed home too now, as I am sure it is all going to end badly there....

OP posts:
smudgethepuppydog · 24/01/2009 15:29

Can he stay at your aunt's while DH1 goes alone?

Original poster
Kimi · 24/01/2009 21:12

Smudg, DS1 stayed home with me, we have been to the theatre and for a meal. we have had a lovely day together.

OP posts:
smudgethepuppydog · 24/01/2009 21:24

I meant DS2 not DS1.

Leo9 · 24/01/2009 21:25

Kimi I am glad you had a lovely day and FWIW I think you did exactly the right thing

I think it's at about your ds age that they ought to be given a bit of control over this sort of thing; they need to know that you think of them and treat them as people in their own right and as individuals not just "my child". I think it does parent/child relationships a power of good to have this sort of approach and it's the people that trot their kids out like possessions to these sort of do's, no matter what the child's feelings, who will be storing up a stormy time during the teenage years!

Original poster
Kimi · 25/01/2009 10:35

Thank you Leo9

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimi · 25/01/2009 12:16

Spoke to DS2 and DH1 this morning, DS2 said the party was boring, but they had lots of cake and DH1 said it was ok, nothing special...........

Think DS1 and I had a much better, happier day, looking forward to them getting home as I miss my hugs from DS2

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimi · 25/01/2009 13:23

Oh hum MIL just phoned to say thank you for card, gifts and so on, went on to say that her daughters son who is 13 yes 13 had hit my DS2 who is 8, DS2 retaliated, much to the 13 year olds dislike (he is like his mother can dish it out but not take it) and now her daughter has been moaning that DS2 is a bully LOL I think in future I shall keep both my children away from "those people" I think DS1 had the right idea all along.

And I don't think I shall reprimand DS2 for this as a 13 year old should know better then to hit 8 year old children, although I do not approve of DS2 hitting I am pleased he stood up for himself

OP posts:
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