Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To make DP sleep on couch?

29 replies

lilacclaire · 23/01/2009 08:24

DP is a terrible sleeper, he tosses and turns to the extent that I feel I am getting 'bounced' lying next to him (he's a bit overweight), he snores and grunts very loudly, as a result I usually get a terrible sleep and have been kept awake for hours with this until I give up and go to the couch (he's totally asleep, although occasionaly wakes himself up).

Yesterday after another terrible night, I told him he had to sleep on the couch (he usually stays up later than me) and I had the best sleep i've had in ages. Needless to say he's in the huff with me for making him sleep on the couch (what about the nights ive spent there!!!!)

Now I do not want to sleep in the same bed as him again, i am going to suggest me taking the youngest ds (4) in with me and he can sleep in his bed if he doesn't like the couch.

AIBU? I need my sleep surely!

OP posts:

gemmummy · 23/01/2009 08:27

i agree you need your sleep BUT it's a very s;ippery slope when you start sleeping apart IME.

Deemented · 23/01/2009 08:38

YABU.

I think the only person who'd be happy with that set up is you.

Why would you want to take your son out of his bed so your dh doesn't have to sleep next to you? What about his (your sons) needs? Surely it would be unsettling for him to have to sleep with Mummy? And what about as he gets older? When would you stop him sleeping with you?

Either get yourself some earplugs and something to stop dh snoring, or get back on the sofa - it's you with the problem.

Original poster

lilacclaire · 23/01/2009 08:45

I know its a slippery slope gemmummy, but I don't know what to suggest so I can get some sleep.

D - I wasn't looking at it as a long term solution and earplugs would not be enough.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 23/01/2009 08:46

Sit down and talk! Maybe it's a new bed you need. If you don't address the real issues and stay tired and grumpy, or get into the separate bed habit, you could be on a slippery slope...

EllieG · 23/01/2009 08:47

I feel your pain. DH is a snorey wriggly sleeper, and some nights it takes all my self control not to beat him to death with a pillow. Having said that, although I would LOVE him to sleep elsewhere, it might offend him if I suggested it, as it might your DP perhaps?

Tabithacat · 23/01/2009 08:48

Is your bedroom big enough to fit two single beds in - even if they have to be pushed together? This wouldn't solve the noise part but would help with the being "bounced".

ErnestTheBavarian · 23/01/2009 08:49

agree with some of your points deemented, but the last bit is a bit harsh. have you ever slept with someone who snores really badly? To have a disturbed night every night is not fun.

op, I reckon you should get dh to docs &/or investigate other really serious attempts to tackle the snoring. try to get him to cut the alcohol, if he drinks as that will make it worse, and if you can afford it, invest in a better bed - if you have the space & money I'd strongly recommend one that's effectively 2 singles together, then you won't get bounced about.

If he refuses to do all of these things, then hoof him out onto the sofa.

BitOfFun · 23/01/2009 08:50

Docs for him about the snoring too- it could be sleep apnoea, which needs tackling medically. How is your relationship generally? Are you just irritated by the sleep issue, or is there something deeper going on?

memoo · 23/01/2009 08:57

YABU and its not going to be good for your relationship or for your DS

missingtheaction · 23/01/2009 08:58

You have my every sympathy. My otherwise wonderful in every way dp is a snorer and twitcher. Luckily we have a spare room so when I really need a good night's sleep one of us sleeps there, or if it gets too bad he moves into there when I ask him. But we do try to sleep together most of the time.

Big thing is that he acknowldeges that his sleep habits are a joint shared problem and we can deal with it together without huffiness.

Does he acknowledge that this is a real problem for both of you?
can you make the sofa a positive experience rather than a punishment (nice duvet, comfy sofa bed etc?)

CatIsSleepy · 23/01/2009 09:05

well i can sympathise
dh has actually been sleeping on the sofabed (v. comfy so he's not suffering) for the last 2 months or so...my excuse is am pg and sleeping badly anyway and at least if I'm on my own I stand a fighting chance of getting back to sleep when I wake in the night. Otherwise his snoring would keep me awake for much longer, which at the moment I just can't deal with.

Am a bit worried though that have got so used to this scenario that I'm going to find it hard to cope with when we start sharing a bed again. But I don't want to sleep apart forever!

I think it's worth trying to get your dh to try and tackle the snoring if possible (and I should do the same )

Original poster

lilacclaire · 23/01/2009 09:06

Well he actually offered to sleep on the couch when he came down yesterday morning and saw how knackered I was, he started making noises that he was not happy about it nearer bedtime but I was having none of it.

2 single beds could be a good idea!!
Its the bouncing about thats the worse, getting woken up about 10 times a night with it (no exaggeration).

The lack of sleep is causing other problems, not the cause of them. I am a very happy bunny on a good nights sleep.

Im not keen on bed sharing with ds, he wriggles as well but to a much lesser extent and doesn't have the same weight behind him (obviously) but was trying to think of solution where dp could get a bed!

OP posts:

paolosgirl · 23/01/2009 09:07

You have my complete sympathy - dh was a terrible snorer, to the extent that the bed would shake, and it didn't help that he's a 16 stone, 6' 2" bloke. You could hear him snoring in the street, it was that loud - and to all of you who suggest ear plugs or go on about it being her problem, then I'm afraid you have obviously never slept beside a really bad snorer and that you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about

It turned out that he had very bad sleep apnoea, and now has a mask and machine thingie. He was also very considerate and used to sleep either in the spare room or on the sofa as he knew that it kept me awake, as well as him - complete tosh about sleeping apart being the slippery slope. Lack of sleep and resentment that it causes is far more dangerous to a marriage.

I'd suggest a trip to the GP and ask to me referred to a sleep clinic. There's usually a bit of a waiting list, so try and be patient and in the meantime - keep smiling and keep on speaking terms.

Lucy87 · 23/01/2009 09:14

my DP is a terrible snorner and I am too familiar with the feeling of being bounced in the night.

I now a) have a king sized bed, you can barely tell he's in it and b) wear an eye mask as well as industrial strength ear plugs.

I didn't think any of these things would work, but once I tried them they were actually surprisingly effective. He snores REALLY loudly and is 20 stone, so maybe worth a try as it worked for me?

Legoleia · 23/01/2009 09:19

Can't you get double/KS beds where the mattress is in fact two mattresses, but joined so that you don't both roll into the middle but, in fact, each have your own middle - (I know what I mean..) may solve the bouncing problem...!

Original poster

lilacclaire · 23/01/2009 09:19

Thank you for all your suggestions, will see if dp will go to docs!

Lucy do you think 2 singles pushed together would be better than a king size?

paolo thanks for sticking up for me, was feeling a bit myself at those comments but didnt want to get into a fight that would just distract from my (very real) problem.

OP posts:

ErnestTheBavarian · 23/01/2009 09:26

oi, Legoleia that's what I said.

Him losing a bit of weight would probably help too.

What's his attitude to it? My fil is terrible snorer. Poor mil had disturbed night every night, often getting up and sleeping in spare room from 2 am, but nevertheless, her sleep was disturbed every single night. What annoyed me, was that he wasn't bothered, and never did a single thing about it, and he also didn't offer to sleep in the spare room, never saw doc, nothing. He acted like 'so what, I can'r hear myself snoring, it doesn't bother me!'. Grrr. poor mil.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 23/01/2009 09:26

Big sympathy for you. And whilst it's true that separate beds can be a slippery slope, in my experience, no sleep for weeks on end and the resentment that that breeds is just as slippery...

DO go to the doctor - but be aware that the first thing they will tell your DP to do is to lose weight. We've been through this and have found a working solution. Losing weight made a big difference to the snoring (although did not solve it entirely) and we have since found other ways to get around it. But even now, there are nights when I take myself off to the spare room because I have simply Had Enough.

You can get beds which have specially matresses so that one partner can't feel it if the other one bounces all over the bed moves. Might be worth looking into?

Legoleia · 23/01/2009 09:26

miracoil mattresses I think they are called - I remember the diagrams...

Two single beds pushed together will definitely have a gap in the middle when you least need it unless you clamp them together somehow.

Speaking from bitter experience. On our honeymoon, no less.

candyfluff · 23/01/2009 09:26

my dh has slept on the sofa for the past 3 months -entirely his choice when i was ill he didnt want to disturb me so its sort of got to be a habit.
he might once or twice a week come into our bed.im not stopping him but at the same time i love love having all the bed to myself

paolosgirl · 23/01/2009 09:39

Eye mask, industrial strength ear plugs and king sized bed made no difference here - but all things are worth a try!

Most important thing I think is his attitude. If he goes to the GP and does something about it then it's much easier to accept for a little while until it's sorted. It's not up to you to suffer in silence - I'm amazed at some of the Victorian attitudes on here, and the psychobabble about the state of your relationship. Sheesh!

BitOfFun · 23/01/2009 10:20

I don't think it's unreasonable to raise the issue, and see if it resonates with the OP. I don't think anyone was rude though- I certainly didn't mean to be. No wonder AIBU comes with a health warning now!

Original poster

lilacclaire · 23/01/2009 10:22

Have just ordered 2 single divan's from argos, dp awake and clearly not happy, he was definetly reading more into it than me just wanting sleep (rolls eyes). Explained definetly not personal and he agreed 2 divans shoved together could be a solution.
He's a bit sensitive at the moment lol, so will wait and see if this works before suggesting docs .

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 23/01/2009 10:24

Fingers crossed for you!

mayorquimby · 23/01/2009 11:56

" he started making noises that he was not happy about it nearer bedtime but I was having none of it."
"I told him he had to sleep on the couch (he usually stays up later than me) and I had the best sleep i've had in ages. Needless to say he's in the huff with me for making him sleep on the couch (what about the nights ive spent there!!!!"

it's no wonder he's not happy with you.who woud be?the difference is that while his snoring may have made you decide to sleep on the couch, in his case it was you ordering him as to what was going to happen?
how would you ract f he decided that you had to sleep on the couch for the night, and refused to have you in the bed?

Flip

1 2