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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DP to get up in the mornings at weekends, preferably before 10am

21 replies

Meglet · 22/01/2009 10:01

(this is my first AIBU, I am shaking in my boots )

Me and DP have split up, mainly to do with his temper (which could be a whole thread on its own ) but he has refused to go to Relate as he says I won't stop nagging him to get up at the weekends. His opinion is that as he works he can lie in bed whenever he is not at work.

We have a 2yo DS and a 4monthDD, I have always done all the night feeds and DP will not even join us for breakfast in the week when he has to get up for work. I will be back to working part time in the spring. At weekends he is often a bit hungover and blows his top when I ask him to get up, he always says to wake him up but when I do he gets nasty and stomps off. I really don't nag, just ask him once then usually give up. He seems to think he can behave like a teenager and just lie in bed for as long as he likes, then go play his Nintendo DS on the loo for 30 minutes .

So AIBU to expect him to get up at weekends at a sensible time?

OP posts:

Wizzska · 22/01/2009 10:06

He's an arse. Of course YANBU. I work full time and DH does the childcare - I would never dream of doing this. He is behaving like a teenager, you're right.

becstarlitsea · 22/01/2009 10:07

No, YANBU and you know it. But I don't quite get it - you say that you've split up? So does he still live with you? When did you split up - is it just recently or are you living together while actually separated? Am confused...

melly407 · 22/01/2009 10:12

hi,

i dont think u being unresonable to get him up. so he thinks that cause he works this entitles him to lay in,what do you do then!! Being at home with young children is hard work (i have dd1-7yrs, dd2-4yrs and ds-5mths) i work my arse of.
I get mu DH up at the weekend, sometimes i let him lay in on a Saturday and i lay in on Sunday, maybe this could be an idea for you.
But it should not be all one sided. DH slips every so often, although he is a lazy anyhow, Hopes this helps

Original poster

Meglet · 22/01/2009 10:16

becstar yes, he's moved out and we were going to go to Relate, but he refuses to try and sort out his temper as he thinks i am unreasonable expecting him to get up and do stuff . He is like an overgrown teenager.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 22/01/2009 10:17

are you separaed at the moment or have you threatened sepration because of his behaviour?

have you tried taking it in turns to get up so you both get a lie-in?

Original poster

Meglet · 22/01/2009 10:22

dropdead he was kicked out 3 weeks ago as he lost his temper and was threatening us all . When he loses it he turns into a monster. He has given me 4 lie-ins in 2 years, but each time I have had to wake him up when DS woke up and go and check DS was ok, change nappy etc, while he managed to get out of bed, he still came to get me up at 9 .

TBH I don't think I can make it work. He has dug his heels in and refuses to talk about anything.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 22/01/2009 10:29

meglet - sorryto write him off, but you honestly sound better off without someone who cannot keep their temper around their partner and young children.

if he never helps out and doesn't een want to stop playing kids games and be a father then where's the loss?

good for you for kicking him out btw,

becstarlitsea · 22/01/2009 10:32

Yep, I'm with dropdeadfred. I'm finding it hard to see an upside in this guy. If he doesn't help you, loses his temper in a way that scares you & kids, and won't go to counselling, well... You'd be better off without him. Doesn't sound like he's contributing much.

claw3 · 22/01/2009 10:39

Id be more concerned with his constantly losing his temper over the slightest thing than the laying in bed to be honest.

You said often with a hangover, so he is obviously drinking a bit. Not wanting to join you for breakfast etc, etc. Could he be depressed?

Original poster

Meglet · 22/01/2009 10:40

dropdead & becstar you're right. i think it is over. He hasn't even come over to see them since sunday, and he is living 200yards away.

It's been easier on my own, my family are great so I think we should be able to muddle through.

OP posts:

OneLieIn · 22/01/2009 10:44

YAB- a bit - U

Why not let him lie in one morning at the weekend and ask him to get up and help the other or do the other alone?

Working is hard (as is childcare) and I am sure after a working week, you both need a lie in. Take it in turns.

The temper, that's a whole other issue.

Lotster · 22/01/2009 10:53

"he lost his temper and was threatening us all. When he loses it he turns into a monster"

When you are doubtful remember that sentence you wrote, please. Your children, and your own safety are the most important thing here. To be without him seems to me the better option, it's not as though you will miss his support in caring for your kids.

Financial maybe, but then that's to be worked out and shouldn't be the stumbling bloc that stops you all having a happier life. He seems to make you miserable, and sounds rather selfish, and providing you haven't nagged him to the end of his tether (which it doesn't sound like you have), you can find someone much, much nicer, to make you feel safe and loved, I'm sure.

Two experiences in my family of single mums, going on to far happier second marriages...

Original poster

Meglet · 22/01/2009 11:01

lotster. i know, he has gone because of his temper. he was going to get anger management counselling but has decided not to now. If he can't sort that out then I'm not going to risk getting back together.

claw3 he is very depressed (but won't do antyhing about it, which i know is hard as I've been there myself).

OP posts:

claw3 · 22/01/2009 11:09

Oh right, that explains the reason for his behaviour then. Unfortunately you cant help him, unless he is prepared to help himself.

Unless he gets help for the depression, his behaviour wont improve. Personally i would make this a condition of having him live with you again.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do

Judy1234 · 22/01/2009 11:20

The trouble is if you are split up he is entirely within his legal rights never to see the chidlren again as my children's father has decided with some of them and there's no way you can force it or get a court order or anything.It's a defect in the law.

Dropdeadfred · 22/01/2009 11:26

Xenia...i admit that it is harsh for a paent to disown their children but would you really want children to see a parent merely because they had been legally forced to visit/see them?

I can imagine that would be awful in most cases.

Lotster · 22/01/2009 11:27

Good for you Meg. I have a very close friend who's experiencing something very similar at the mo. It's funny how in some situations the mums hold it together for their kids (when they would probably quite like to flop in to depression too) and the dads put themselves first.

I don't meant to sound flippant about depression either, I've been treated myself more than once, but there is just something in many mums that makes them fight to keep things right for their kids whilst the men have tantrums. Sometimes it's at that point you decide you don't need a grown man to look after like a child as well, and are better off without him... Be proud of yourself for being a good mummy.

Beautiful kids BTW, I had a sneaky look!

redskyatnight · 22/01/2009 12:26

You're NBU, but your children are the same age gap as mine and your descrpition sounds very like my DH at the time.

he found adjusting to #1 very hard, I found it harder as I was used to being very career oriented. When #2 came along quite quickly I felt all absorbed by 2 young children and DH felt very pushed out. I really think in retrospect that he didn't see that me being up all night (neither child was sleeping) and then up at 5 with DS (still an early riser) was any reason for him to pull his finger out. He was totally into the mode of he worked and I looked after the children.

of course you end up in a vicious circle where I was so tired with looking after the children and so little sleep, the thing that went was any sort of affection between us. For a man (apparently) this means that I didn't love him any more. He also lost his temper and ranted, but I believe (and still believe) he would never have hurt us, but didn't know how to express his feelings.

Relate is a good idea and you may find the temper goes when he and you accept some of the other problems.

It took us probably 2 years to pull things round (DS didn't sleep though the night till he was 3.5 which didn't help) and it was one small step at a time.

How long have you been together? What was he like before children? If that's a man you want to be with you could still get that man back.

walkinthewoods · 22/01/2009 12:42

Depression was the 1st thing I thought of, but of course it doesn't excuse his behaviour. I'm with claw, unless he can help himself with the depression, keep him away.

If you love him and want it to work, then no recriminations and keep the lines of communication open.

Judy1234 · 22/01/2009 14:23

I agree with Lotster. A lot of these men don't see the children for all kinds of reasons but including that it's too painful. Well may be it's too painful for te mother to look after them 365 days a year plus work full time but if we all went off to nurse our wounds the chidlren would be in care.

ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 22/01/2009 14:37

My partner and I both work full time, though I work more to contract than her and so do a little bit more of the childcare. This mainly seems fair, although we row from time to time.

At weekends we have one lie in each.

By common consent - and again, with the odd exception - the person whose turn it is to get up is up at about 7 (as dictated by baby daughter) and the "lie-in" finishes at about 9.30!

Hope this gives you a context of how other people who "work hard" like your husband do it ...

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