To think that I will not inflict long term trauma on my DD if I change her childcarer?

[HLaurens]

I am facing the prospect of having to change the DDs childcarer. DD1 has been with this carer three days a week from the age of one. She is now 2.7yrs. DD2 has been at home with me on maternity leave for the past year and was also due to start with the carer.

However, the carer is overcommitted and cannot easily look after both DDs when I return to work full time in April, so I am thinking of appointing a permanent nanny instead. It is my intention to appoint someone who will stay with the DDs for years to come.

Various relatives think that I will be inflicting long term damage on DD1 if I change her carer at this point. I think that such an opinion is a bit OTT. Am I being naive (and unreasonable) to think that this would not be the case? Can anyone who is in the child psychology field point me towards some research on the topic?

It's OTT, she will be almost 3. It matters most up to the 3.

You could read the Oliver James book on the best way to do childcare (he favours one to one which you're already doing with as few changes as possible up to 3).

Thanks Laurie - what's the approximate title so I can find it on Amazon?

He just has one chapter on childcare and it's called 'Your parents F*cK you up'. He is keen on attachment parenting and is a psychologist and psychotherapist.

Though you might prefer a book on attachment parenting - I'm reluctant to recommend one as I don't know what's best at the moment - maybe do a search on it on mumsnet (there's loads of attachment parenting types here)

Seriously you will not damage them at all . its a myth that make mothers feel guilty . LOL I am a nanny (25 yrs ) so some experience . And Im a mum as well (9yr old ) .Give it two weeks to a month max and the child will have forgotten . Put a positive spin on it . Some kids I have looked after befor my own I was really really sad to leave . But believe me I missed them more than they missed me . They looked back on our time with nice memories but thats it . The younger the better the older they ger the harder on the heart strings it is . best of luck and seriously do not worry about it .

Most experts agree that is best if children have the same long term carer.

However your dd had the same carer for more than a year. And you are saying that you are trying to find someone for long term. so if things go well your dd will be having only 2 carers until she goes to school? Thats absolutely fine.

I think your relatives are a bit over the top. I get a bit sometimes when i hear of parents who change childcare every 2 months. But your case is not like this.

Also what is important is HOW you part with your cm or nanny. If you part on good terms and you dont speak bitterly about her in front of dd (i 'm sure you dont, but you see a lot of this on other threads)and ideally she stays in touch with your family , then i dont see the harm.

Your can explain to your dd that people do leave sometimes from our lives but can still love us and we love them too (ask dd to help you choose the 'goodbye present'?)
and can stay in touch

I changed DS's childcare when he was 2.10. He was at a nursery and moved to a c/m. DD was at the nursery for two months (from 10 months to one year) as I found the c/m and then had to give 2 months' notice for the nursery.

I don't think either of them suffered at all - and in fact I think being able to be together was much better for them.

I think the positive spin advice is really helpful, and if I do move my daughter, I will go down that route. And we will still be seeing the old carer, as we will be parting on very good terms.

Unfortunately, the relatives in question seem sure that my decision is part of a wider "selfishness" towards my children, where I disregard their needs in favour of my own!

Well these relatives aren't the ones who are going to be doing two drop offs and pick ups, plus trying to cover for 2 different sets of holidays and days off sick. Or is their plan for you to give up work altogether ?

My DS is 2 3/4 and whilst he loves his CM to bits I'm sure he would be able to cope with a change in carer particularly if they were based in our house.

I changed my carer at 2.6 for DD1 when I returned to work after DD2. Had no problems, no long term issues. She has a photo of the old carer, but tbh can't really remember her now. As long as the new person makes them feel loved, secure, listened to and happy I think you'll be fine. Teachers change every year, even at nurseries they can have different carers on different days. Children do cope with loss and this is an opportunity to help them cope with change imho.

Children need to learn that change is a fact of life. Would you be beating yourself up so harshly if the CM had given you the notice and therefore taken the decision out of your hands?

You have to deal with whatever life throws at you and to some extent LOs need to learn this too - although I agree minimising disruption is better for them in the long run. If you are moving to a nanny care situation then surely this is great for DCS to be cared for at home - they can see this as a positve exciting move not a negative one

If you're ok with it there is every chance that your DD will be as well. No matter how much angst you go through making the decision, once you have made it present it as a "good thing" and kids inevitably take their cue from you.

It sounds like your relatives are trying to make you guilty for working, try and ignore them! A nanny at your house would presumably be a much less stressful situation for you, and a more relaxed mother means happier kids in my book.

DD has changed carer a fair bit.

I was at home with her until 11months.

Then she went to a private nursery 3 days per week, for about 18 months.

Then we emigrated and she was with me fulltime for 2 months. Then went into a private nursery for 1 day a week (went up to 2 days for a few weeks as another child was overseas) for about 6 months.

Then had a few months off then started at a different place for preschool for 2 days per week.

Was there for a year and then went to another preschool (old one closed down as the old biddy retired).

She was there for all of 2008 and now is about to start at "real" school.

Yes, change can be upsetting and it can unsettle a child but it's only a short-term thing - I've always found DD has settled into new surroundings easily and this was commented on by the carers at the 3 places we've used over here in the past 3 years.

There is also a chance that we'll move areas and therefore schools in the next year or so which will mean yet another change for her!