Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel patronised by this?!

62 replies

chelseamorning · 20/01/2009 13:19

As is often the case with these things (and life in general) some people at our local toddler group don't pull their weight with helping to put out or pack up the toys. However the majority of us do.

At yesterdays' session, the Chair of the group announced that it was tidy up time and then said things were going to happen a little differently. She pulled some cards out of her pocket which had different tasks written on each one. She then asked us all to go over and take a card and then carry out the task on it!

How utterly patronising! As I said, the majority of people there do pull their weight. It was interesting to see that those who wouldn't normally help out just slunk away and didn't take a card/task. Therefore I really can't see the benefit.

And for the record, 'no', I didn't take a ruddy card. Nor did a number of others near me. However I did do my bit and tidied up as usual.

AIBU to be expected to be treated like an adult and not a child at a toddler group?!

OP posts:

wotulookinat · 20/01/2009 14:28

oh I would not be impressed at being asked to hoover. Putting the toys away is one thing!

GiraffesCantDanceAtACeilidh · 20/01/2009 14:30

Same at my toddlers, always the same ones doing the jobs! My friend and I end up crawlin under the stage every week to get toys away...would be good if someone even though to pass us the toys instead of sitting chatting.

IwishIwasamermaid · 20/01/2009 14:30

Apparently the over 60's yoga class complained to the vicar that there were crumbs left on the floor after toddlers and it made their class slightly uncomfortable....

wotulookinat · 20/01/2009 14:31

snigger

paolosgirl · 20/01/2009 14:38

Tbh I'd have just had a chuckle to myself and got on and done what was asked of me. Not worth getting your knickers in a twist about really.

Far too often it's the same ones who tidy up (and I'm not even going to rise to your post Nellie) whilst the other lazy buggers who sit around and do nothing. The Committe is usually made up of women who have been dragged into it to ensure that the thing doesn't fold - not to tidy up after everyone else. She was obviously trying to address that issue - I'm sure she did not set out to patronise you or anyone else.

Flibbertyjibbet · 20/01/2009 14:40

I am that mug who always hoovers at the end of toddlers. On my only day off with my kiddies.
Other mums do other things but one mum of two the same age as mine just gets up and says 'bye' EVERY WEEK as the rest of us are clearing up the millions of toys that her two strew around the floor.
I think it sets your children a bad example - chuck toys and crumbs around but don't worry about tidying up, someone else will do it for you.

BuckBuckMcFate · 20/01/2009 14:50

Our playgroup was run by a woman who wouldn't let anyone help with anything at all. Ran herself ragged proving she could do everything, set the room up, make the tea, organise the activities, tidy up and wouldn't let us help 'because we don't put things away properly' (toys in storage boxes, hardly challenging!)

If someone beat her to the kettle you could almost see her twitching at the thought of someone doing one of Her Jobs at Her Playgroup!

But then she would tell anyone who would listen how she had to do everything, I think she's got a bit of a martyr complex.

NellieTheEllie · 20/01/2009 14:56

Paolosgirl - I wasn't trying to rile people.
I re-read my post and don't think I really put across what I meant.
I am not one of these 'lazy' ones who just sits chatting, I do do my bit and on the whole I don't mind and I do think we should all chip in and keep these valuable resources going... It is just the type of thing that the OP has told us about that really riles me.
The patronising assumption that we all have to be 'part of the group' and 'involved'. Perhaps a quiet word or friendly encouragement would get people to help more rather than patronising orders on a task cards.
Perhaps it is just my schoolgirl rebellion coming out again after all these years - always reacted better to someone asking rather than telling me to do something

mrsseanbean · 20/01/2009 14:56

Let me join your group Buck, I'd give anything to have a bit of control freakery at the moment.

BuckBuckMcFate · 20/01/2009 15:12

How about I just send her to you MrsS?

Then we can have nice chilled playgroup again and she can dictateorganise yours?

mrsseanbean · 20/01/2009 15:19

Sounds fair Buck, we could get her on a rota so everyone can have her in small doses.

paolosgirl · 20/01/2009 15:46

But of course we all have to be involved! It's a uusally voluntary thing, and without everyone pitching in to help it quickly becomes a situation where those who are prepared to pitch in, usually without being 'asked' (FGS, you're a grown up - surely you can see what needs to be done!!!) and help end up doing everything, whilst those who take the 'not doing anything' stance sit back and do nothing, except chat to their friends. Wouldn't we all like to do that!

It's not patronising, it's simple common sense and known widely as 'pulling your weight'.

Original poster

chelseamorning · 20/01/2009 19:24

I think the way it was handled was patronising. I don't mind being asked to help out but I'm with NellieTheEllie in that I don't expect to be told what to do in this fashion, especially as it's all voluntary.

To answer your comment, StepfordKnife, I didn't stand on the sidelines (I helped, as usual) and I didn't inwardly heckle the Chair. I'd rather she had actually given us a list of the things that need to be done.

In fact, until yesterday, I hadn't realised that one of the 'required tasks' was to sweep the floor under the craft table. Therefore other people may not have known it needed to be done either which is why this task is often overlooked. If there was a posted list on the wall somewhere then at least we would have a better idea of what was required.

Re: the Committee, I've been told by other mothers that they're a select bunch who dine out a couple of times a year on the proceeds of the Group. These are supposed to be 'meetings'. A large number of the Committee members don't regularly attend the toddler group itself but when they do come, they don't seem to be pitching in any more than the rest of us. If feel that if they work for their 'perks' then fine but this is supposed to be voluntary involvement. If they can 'shirk' their involvement as Committee members then how can they expect ALL mothers to help too?

For the record, the Group is fairly well run and organised. I think the Chair does a heck of a lot of work for the Group and some of the Committee members too.

OP posts:

Lemontart · 20/01/2009 19:34

I feel a little sorry for the woman. Not easy to say to people who do not help at all "oy, pull yer weight!" and very tricky to be seen to not single anyone out. She was trying to make it fair and inclusive, organised and cover all jobs etc but just went about it badly. Poor woman, I bet she was cringing when people just walked out or didn?t take a card. It can be soul destroying doing hours of this type of community voluntary work and then find those you are helping will not even do five minutes -after she has probably spent hours and hours of work behind the scenes.

Saying all that, I think I would not have taken one either - but would have made it obvious I was willing to help out and get on with it in a pleasant way, not openly dissing her plan (I am sure you were not unkind)

What a shame she was not able just to have a quick word near the end and ask all mums to stay and help out for five minutes, recapping what needed doing and asking for support rather than telling everyone. Oh well, sounds like her heart is in the right place!

Original poster

chelseamorning · 20/01/2009 20:48

I don't disagree, Lemontart! I think being the Chair of anything like this is a thankless task. As I said, she does a heck of a lot for the Group.

I just think that a list on the wall, detailing all the tasks, would have been better than asking us all to form a line and take a task from her! Or perhaps giving each mum a handout. When you join a group like this you just follow what everyone else does. So if no-one is sweeping the floor, for example, you don't know that it needs to be done and therefore don't volunteer to do it.

OP posts:

NellieTheEllie · 20/01/2009 20:50

Yes, Paolosgirl, I am a grown-up so don't need people treating me like a child at a playgroup.
BUT my point is that just because people go along to a playgroup shouldn't mean they HAVE to be involved.
I 'pull my weight' because I want to, not because I have to, and those who don't help at all - well, thats their choice I'm afraid.
Luckily most people do help at the groups i go to, but patronising people isn't the best way to encourage the others.

Original poster

chelseamorning · 20/01/2009 20:55

Hear, hear, NellieTheEllie!

OP posts:

barbiehouse · 20/01/2009 20:57

we did this at a toddler group i uswd to go to, and it actually worked really well. not only did it mean everyone helped, but it also meant that the worse jobs got shared out. an additional benefit was that new mums could get involved rather than feeling like a spare part, and gave oportunities for them to chat to people who they might not do so otherwise.

if you help normally, then i wouldn't take it personaaly - this would be aimed at the people who don't

noonki · 20/01/2009 21:03

I think it's a good idea I go to loads of different toddler groups and I never know which ones we should help out at,

I can be quite shy and those places can bring out the shyness in the best of us. Not wanting to look stupid even if it is trying to help iyswim

moomaa · 20/01/2009 21:12

Both playgroups I go to all the jobs are done by a small group of volunteers. I volunteered to help at one, and found that my 2 kids now get in free and I get a pressie at the end of term . I do other volunteering stuff too.

I think that if you SAH, your DCs are over 2 and you don't have any 'complications' in your life like caring for relatives then you are a bit mean not to help at something somewhere. After all, if no-one helped there wouldn't be all these things to go to.

I do waltz in and out of the second playgroup I go to without volunteering as I feel I am doing my bit elsewhere so the people that seem lazy might not be as lazy as they seem.

paolosgirl · 21/01/2009 13:34

No-one is treating you like a child! For heaven's sake, do stop being so precious - just pitch in and get on with helping out. There is a vast difference between that and actively getting involved - helping out with the tidying up and cleaning at the end of the session is nothing more than pulling your weight.

I would say I'm surprised that anyone has a problem with this, but after 11 years of parenting 3 children I'm not - some people just get on with it and others don't.

Perhaps those of you who object to the way Committe members do things will put their money where their mouth is and take over one of the thankless tasks when the members are up for re-election?

pamelat · 21/01/2009 13:39

I have been to a few mother and toddler groups (perhaps only 5 in total) but I never realised I was meant to clean up at the end??

To be fair, I normally left half way as DD was a screamer. I think I stayed until the end once though, ooooppps.

Original poster

chelseamorning · 21/01/2009 13:50

I'm not precious. Paolosgirl. Just feel there's a right way and a wrong way to encourage people to help out. And for the record, yes, I do do my bit and probably much more than most.

As for joining the Committee, I have actually approached members to ask if I could join so that I can get more actively involved. I gathered from the response that they're happy with the Committee as it is and it was suggested that I just help out more as a 'civi'.

As Pemelat says, sometimes it's not obvious what tasks need to be performed and so just issuing a list would be more helpful.

As I said earlier, some people will help out; others don't have a social conscience and so won't. Having 'task cards' won't make a shod of difference.

OP posts:

alicet · 21/01/2009 13:56

At the toddler group where I used to go there was a rota detailing what needed to be done and how many people were needed for each task (setting up, tidying away, art and craft , songs, buyign fruit and milk etc etc) and you had to sign up to do a few things each term. So if you got there first you could choose what you wanted to do and on what dates. Worked well I think. The person who ran it would periodically say at the end that people need to sign up for x and y as next week there was noone to do it.

It worked well for me as I needed to get out of the house earlier than the group started but couldn't stay to clear up as the boys were hungry and shattered by then. So I just used to volunteer to set up most weeks but feel ok about leaving without clearing up. still felt guilty though!!!!

Maybe the ones who don't pitch in actually do more to help before you even arrive so you don't actually see what they do? If it isn't formalised like this then you would never know would you?

alicet · 21/01/2009 13:58

It seems from this thread and other groups I have been to though that they all work in different ways - some are run and you don't need to pitch in, others would fold without everyone helping. Seems to me the best way is to find one where you are happy with the set up since there are usually many to choose from.

one of my friends left the group I talked about in my earlier post as she found it stressful signing up for stuff as she liked to wing it a bit and not have her weeks planned in advance - fair cop don't go then!

Flip

1 2 3