DH thinks I spend all his money

[HangarLaneGyratory]

DH works full time. I am a sahm. Every month after bills and standing orders I have a sum of money and he has a much smaller sum.

With his sum he buys his sandwiches for lunch (unless I've made him a packed lunch) and that's about it really. Anything he needs to buy over the week. With my sum I buy everything else we need to run the family on a week by week basis.

It is both of our choice that I'm a sahm. These days tbh I don't think any wage I earned would cover nursery fees. I would like to go back to work in a few years time.

Neither of us are spendthrifts and don't tend to buy things unless necessary (eg new shoes because the old ones are broken, yes. New bag because I fancy one, no.) We've not got much spare money, but we're not struggling either if we're careful and don't take holidays. We have managable debt.

Yesterday we were talking about money and I mentioned to dh that he'd been 'joking' a lot recently about me spending all his money. He has brought it up often enough for me to wonder if there's some truth in it, and I asked him how he honestly felt about our arrangements.

At first he denied it completely, but then he admitted that he does feel as though he works hard to earn a decent wage, but never gets to spend any of it. I was a bit horrified that he felt that way and my initial response was that in that case he should have much more of the monthly sum to spend, but if he wanted to do that he would have to start doing grocery shopping or taking the kids to clubs or, to take this week as an example, pick up a frying pan and some curtains. He SO doesn't want to have to start doing that kind of shopping. He hates shopping, and I knew that would be his reaction.

So, I asked him if there were things he wanted to buy. He couldn't think of anything. He tends to have money left over every week so he's not struggling for 40p for a marsbar. He probably has enough left over for the odd CD or t-shirt, but as I say we don't tend to buy things for no reason. (A hangover from when we were really struggling financially I think).

I think he just feels that he's missing out a bit and I'm having all the fun. To some extent that's true I suppose - I do meet friends in cafes for coffee while the children play, and do fun outings with the children, but that's sort of my job, isn't it? But I'm really not tripping about buying cashmere and pearls. I buy bathroom cleaner and swimming lessons and cot sheets.

Now I'm stewing. I can't bear that he thinks I'm spending his money. I thought that it was OUR money. I truly thought that he thought that too. In fact I feel furious with him for thinking it isn't. I work hard for this family too. But as well as feeling cross I'm feeling suddenly very unsure about things. I feel a bit as though the rug has been pulled out from under me. I feel a bit vulnerable.

When we talked I told him that yes, I am spending the money as in actually handing over the cash to the shop, but I'm shopping on behalf of the family. I'm not spending it on me. He agreed that I was right and he was being silly, but then just as I thought we were on the same page he said that the last thing he wanted was for me to be short of money, and if I have any left over at the end of the week, why shouldn't I buy myself something nice? I think he missed the whole point of what I was saying which made me wonder if I'm being completely unreasonable. Mumsnet, it's over to you...

I'm surprised you're stewing as it sounds like you've had a great dialogue. I think you might be hearing something he's not saying.

I don't think it sounds like he's saying you're spending his money, just that you're spending the money (which you are).

Our set-up is very like yours. I get to potter around, shopping around for household stuff (which like your dh, mine would hate), coffee out with friends, take dd to the cinema.

I wonder if he's just expressing "I don't have much money and I work really hard, wife has all the money which she has access to and spends (wisely)". If so, he's just describing the reality of the situation for him.

He's also not asking you to change it? Just commenting on his life.

I totally understand how that might feel for you but it seems more descriptive than an attack on you and how you to run things iyswim.

You are not being silly and you sound like you are very sensible with your family money. I understand why you would feel hurt by his suggestion that you are spending "his" money.

However, I do wonder whether it is not the money so much as :
a) lifestyle - he has to go to work every day, you are at home, relaxed, choosing when to go shopping, when to do a bit of cleaning, nothing set in stone, while he has to be in work every day of the week (not saying that is a good view, just a possible one - the comment about you having fun and him never having time hints he might feel his life is 2/7 of the week fun while yours is 7/7 days relaxed. Perhaps he (wrongly) feels hard done by occasionally.

He has accepted he is being silly and knows that it is family money, just perhaps a little fed up with his worklife right now? Mid January, credit crunch, cold dark mornings etc etc - perhaps he is feeling a bit fed up and projected his "poor me" onto you. He hears you mention shopping and out for coffee while kids in the soft play - he has trudged down the motorway and sat in a meeting. I reckon he feels you have a better life than him and now and again he cannot help but compare.

Not justifying it, just wondering out loud about what the real reason behind his attitude might be. I know you do plenty round the house and work just as hard but in a different way. No doubt so does he if he thinks about it properly. Maybe you could do with planning a little family time together, weekend picnic or trip to a local zoo?

I can understand why you feel that way, but I can totally see what your dh is saying too. I strongly get the impression that for him it was an underlying, subconcious kevinesque "it's not fair" which, when you talked about it, he realised was totally unreasonable.

The fact that he then said you should be able to buy something nice for yourself says to me that he totally gets your POV and has realigned his thinking accordingly.

Sometimes we hold this unreasonable views without even realising it, until we are challenged. Then we look at it in black and white and realise we are being unreasonable.

I think the way to look at it is this: he had a grumbling, underlying resentment that you have "more money" than he does. He didn't think through what you actually spend that money on, just that you choose to spend it (I know, it's washing powder, not jimmy choos, but he's a bloke). When presented with the facts he realised that he was being unreasonable, it's household money, and in fact you spend probably less on you than he does. So he has revised his position.

Move on from this point and don't focus on where his brain was before. He has changed his opinion - mainly because you explained it so well

I was going to add a b) you feeling a little insecure about not contributing financially to the family pot and so making his comments too personally rather than seeing them as a "I am bored and fed up with my working life" type thing.

Then thought it a little rude to suggest you were insecure so removed it!!

Sorry, rambling again!

DH and I got pregnant.

We discussed who would work and who would stay at home.

We both work. He goes out to work and gets paid. I work in the home and he gives me an allowance. This is a massive chunk of his wage. Out of that I buy all the food, anything at all the kids need, diesel and phone top ups and then anything that I want.

He uses his share to pay all the other bills and to get what he wants.

I spend most of the money he earns but he has earned it for us and it is easier for me to do the food shop and get the kids all they need.

he needs his own world

his own hobby
has he got one?

we all have our vices

with my dh - it's computers.

some its golf

my BIL its Tools

he clearly isn't happy - no matter how reasonable you are - and you are!

its nice to be able to work all week and spend some of your disposable income on something you like - of course it is.

Good mail LemonTart. January is the pits, totally mis.

DH sounds like good chap and you are doing your best too.

Maybe you and DH need a bit of time together - can you get babysitter for eve - or even w-e? Don't have to go anywhere expensive just go 4 walks together in country or whatever you used to enjoy doing together BC. Just be a couple for a change.

I think all this is perfectly normal, and like LFC says it's wonderful that you have been able to talk about it. Give him credit for his last point - that if you have money over at the end of the week why shouldn't you spend it on something nice? He may not have missed your point at all (that you don't have any money over at the end of the week), his point was probably that is is 'our' money and you deserve nice stuff too.

It is tough for both of you - and this means that it is tough for him sometimes. He has to get up and go to boring old work every day while you are in control of your life, see friends, have autonomy etc etc. Would he swop? Could he hack the reality of it? No - but the grass does often look greener from the other side of the fence.

If you have any money left over this week, you could buy youself something nice to share to reward him for good communicaiton.

Keep a record of what you spend & put it on the computer. That way he can see what's been spent and what it's for.

hmm I can see his point of view

If you are buying a new frying pan and curtains then you obviously have a reasonable sum left over from the basics

I think you need to keep a notebook or spreadsheet detailing EXACTLY what you spend every penny on

Also, could you BOTH perhaps have £50 a month just for fripperies? I think a little bit of personal financial freedom is far more important that new pans and curtains

It sounds to me more like he's expressing a general dissapointment that there isn't more money for fun and frivolity than saying that you are getting more than your fair share.
When you work hard it can get you down a bit that you can't just go buying a few unneccesarys without feeling guilty about it - and that's fair enough isn't it? I bet you feel the same way?
I think you should try not to take this personally - I'm sure he knows you're not blowing it all on hats!

HangerLane - I agree with the other posters that it sounds like you've had a good dialogue and he's realised that it was an unfair thing to say, but looking at your posts, it doesn't sound like you're have any 'fun' money between you? You say that you're not struggling if your careful, and that's great.

If you each have an 'allowance' though, and you have a bit spare at the end of each week/month, then why not set up a jar and each put something into it for absolute frivolity? Money which isn't to be touched unless it's something fun for the two of you (and not for the children either).

It sounds like you're both doing a great job with the income you have, but maybe it's all a bit of a grind after a while, and while, yes, you've got to manage your spending and debt, you've also got to enjoy what you've got - maybe he feels that he gets less opportunity to do that than you do?

My tuppenceworth anyway (can't afford more atm [smile)

i think there are a lot of fathers who feel the same way as your DH, OP. I am also a SAHM (most of the time!) and I do get that jibe from my DH too about me spending all his money! I just laugh it off and I know he's kidding but then again, many a true thing said in jest...who knows.

you are doing a valuable job as a sahm, and your DH probably does realise this but probably there is a bit resentment because he's having to go out to work and missing out on all the fun that you have on a day to day basis. he won't be the only one thinking this way.

YANBU.

Morningpaper, I missed the bit where OP mentionned she just use the new frying pan for herself and lets DH cook his own meals in the old one?
I think when she buys a new frying pan all the family benefits from it.

As far as the £50 a month for fripperies I would rather have something to cook the food I am spending all DH's hard earned cash on rather than fripperies! Now that would be unreasonnable!

I am a SAHM as well but do not have your problem as we tend to do the shopping together+ we did arrange direct debits for most of the bills, clubs... So it does not feel as if I am the only one spending.

I do think you have had a good dialogue with your DH and I feel he is more ennoyed at the fact that after paying all the bills + food, there is not much left, but I am sure he also knows there would not be more left over if he was doing the shopping etc... He is just having a moan at the situatuion, not really at you IMO.

Does your dh want to do some of the fun childcare bits as well, like going to the cinema and having coffees. Well, my dh's version would be chilling out at a family pub.

If so, can you arrange so he gets the chance to do them more?

Is he working long hours and effectively prevented from doing this? If so, could it be that he secretly wants to work shorter hours and for you to get a pt job?

Although you seem to be handling the money very well. I can see where your DH is coming from, must be a bit disheartening for you DH to feel like he is given pocket money. Could he not have more say in how the money is spent.

Just to offer another perspective - I work full time and DH is a SAHD. We have a joint account, so we both have access to all the money, but neither of us tend to splurge. Every so often he will make a comment about the fact that he is spending my money.

I don't think this is anything to do with the way that I treat him or with our finances. I think he's just got this slightly odd mindset. It doesn't affect the way that either of us spend money. It just means that he comes out with these statements from time to time. (It doesn't make any difference that I always correct him that it's our money.)

If you're both careful with money, and tend to have some left over each month, is there a way that you could not divide it so obviously? So that he feels that all the money is there for him, even though you will still spend most of it? Just a thought.

I do think this is a good illustration of a little talked about aspect of being a SAHM.

I know that the received wisdom is that us SAHM mothers work just as hard as our WOH partners, but we all know that isn't actually true, don't we?

I think WOH partners wouldn't be human if they didn't get jealous and feel hard done by sometimes. They go off to be a wage slave, leaving the people they love most in all the world at home - possibly still in bed, possibly planning a lovely day out, possibly planning not to go out at all but slob round in pyjamas all day,possibly planning to meet friends at a cafe.....I think they are entitled to the occasional grumpy strop. Going out to work is generally crap - unless you are one of the minute fraction of people who genuinely love it. But I think a lot of people, particualarly men, might find this hard to articulate, son so it comes out in a discussion about money. It's not about money at all, but money is a concrete topic for discussion, feeling miserable because you miss your baby's first steps isn't.

On a practical level why don't you get seperate accounts for your own personal spending and a joint account for all household and family costs. Include bills, kids' activities, frying pans etc in the joint account. Obviously his salary will have to go into the joint a/c to cover this, then whatever's left over just divide in half and get him transfer your half to your own account.

My Dh does not feel hard done by, actually every Monday morning he says when going to work " good, I can go and rest a bit now". We do have 4 DCs and no family arround so there is no rest at all. When I am on Mn I always have DD4 on my lap, either Bfeeding or drowing some masterpiece. there is absolutely NO time spent without any of the DCs, and it has been so for the last 10 years. I cannot sit down during the day because DD4 thinks it is the signal for her to have a top up (not kidding!)

I think you are being a bit OTT to be honest.
Sounds like your DH made an off the cuff comment about you spending his money. You queried his phrasing, he thought it through out loud and agreed, yes, it was a daft thing to say. In fact so daft, he admits that he would be happy if you were spending some of the money he earns on fripperies for yourself.

Whats the problem with that?

I think you are reading to much into your DH's comment.

It sounds as though you have a basically very good relationship with your DH, as you've been able to sit down and talk honestly about your feelings rather than row about it.

It may be that you're over analysing, and it's a case of the January blues etc, but I think you do need to hear what he's saying.

I think that whatever you 'agree' when you first get pregnant (ie one partner stay home, go part time, whatever) you need to review the situation regularly and make adjustments. It does sound as if your DH feels that you are having more fun than he is - the ability to organise your own life, not have to meet other people's deadlines etc.

I fully appreciate that it's not always easy to organise logistically, but I think it's really good for everyone if the balance of earning and doing the home stuff is made as equal as possible. When our children were pre-school, I worked part time, and my DH also worked flexibly for a couple of years, which gave him some time to do the playgroup/home stuff. The advantages of this arrangement are numerous - it gave our dcs time with mum and dad, it meant that both of us kept a foot firmly on the career ladder, and probably the most important thing of all, it gave us a genuine insight into how the other person feels. I've seen a number of our friends end up rather resentful of eachother - husband feeling resentful of the fact that he works and perceives the wife as having an easy ride, and wife feeling resentful that husband doesn't respect her, or losing confidence to get back into the job market.

It isn't an easy time, because many people pair up with partners of similar ability and interests, so during the pre-children years, you're likely to both be earning similar amounts etc. This was certainly true for DH and me - we are in the same profession, we both earned the same salary and both had interesing jobs. It therefore made sense to try to keep things as equal as possible once we had children.

Hope it all works out anyway - the key thing is to keep talking, and don't hold eachother to any decisions you may have made years ago, because feelings and circumstances change.