To Want To Tie Up My GAMBLING Husband....To MAKE Sure He Keeps His Promise To 'Be A Good Boy?'

[ClutterJunkie]

....as I have had as much as i can take of his lies and absences from home....

The wasted money is bad enough... but i am feeling so let down by his broken promises...to be home at certain times...and when he is late and i call he doesn't answer phone....

i feel like he is having an affair. He is so distant.

He's been gambling more since his mum & dad died last year- so whilst I can understand...I am sick of it now.

Has anyone ever learnt to trust thier husband/wife again???
I feel i want him to EARN my trust.... and when he lets me down by not 'remembering he has a family' and 'loses track of time'....and FORGETS TO COME HOME WITH FISH & CHIPS HE WENT OUT TO GET 2 HOURS AGO......then I just want to crawl into a box- shut the lid and never come out.

But i don't cos i have 3 boys- who are starting to see gambling as 'cool' and 'normal'....

can't he join GA? Isn't there an associated group for families of gamblers as well that you can join?

Unless he agrees to join GA NOW give it up and get away from him, seriously, however much you love him he will drag you down into his self-made pit of debt.

here you go - info for families of gamblers.

sorry, should have added - really for you at this state of affairs, but it sounds like he really is in need of professional help if he forgets to bring home the tea..
and counselling as well for losing his parents (close together?)

That's how I feel.

I am checking bank account every night- and we are on day 10 of NO GAMBLING TRANSACTIONS showing on our account...howver- he recieves a mileage allowance for work- and I know he 'spent' that on Saturday.
He swore he did not go on the rouleete machine (his vice)- but unless i was there i cannot believe him anymore

I do feel so sorry for you - please get in touch with the GamAnon people, because the one thing that addicts of all kinds are experts at is lying. To everyone, themselves included.

if you don't mind me suggesting it, I would split bank accounts. He should have his own, but have your own as well that he can't touch and out of which things like the mortgage and bills are taken.

If he earns all the money, then you will need to find a way of making sure that you get his salary first and then pay out a standing order to his own account.

I know it sounds dreadfully emasculating, but he is losing/ has lost all sense of responsibility and with it will go all your money before too long and then you will be unable to pay bills, mortgage etc. and might lose your home. A bit of humbling on his part now will save an awful lot of pain later.

(Roulette!)

And thanks for that website- i had not found that one-

his dad died in january last year- then 3 weeks later his mum was told she had terminal cancer- and she died November.

We have been together 22 years (married 20) and he's always done football bets and the odd horse race bets...and i have done so too...we occaisionally went to casinos together before we had our boys...so i am not innocent to gambling.

howver this obsessive playing of the roulette machine i see as very much a indication of how he feels- its like he just wants to 'zone out' and absorb totally into the game- whereas inthe years gon by- he'd pop in the bookies for 30 mins or so...do a few horses...do his footie selection- then come home and watch the races on the t.v AT HOME....

Well maybe he needs to do bereavement counselling before GA then - it can hit people hard when they realise they are the "next generation in line" as it were - I know it clobbered my mum good and proper when her Dad died and she was 61 when that happened! but suddenly she was "next in line" and it was v. hard for her to take.

If he is still open to discussing the problem and trying to improve, I would still suggest the separate bank accounts for safety; but he needs some outside help before he "loses it" totally and gets addicted to zoning out, as you put it.

I recieve disability benefits for myself (I have OCD...which i NOT helped by my husbands behaviour!)and our sons who have autism & it all goes direct to MY account...I also have the tax credits and the family allowance.

we also have a joint account- but i like your idea of him having a separate acct where a set ammount could transfer weekly to him.

oh lovey, that just makes it all so much worse to cope with - you need him to be strong as well for his family.

He MUST get help asap - if you haven't already heard of them, Cruse are excellent for this sort of thing.

If he can't do it for himself, he has to do it for his family.

Best of luck - I must go to bed now but I hope you get more help and I hope I have offered you a lifeline to think there is a way forward..

...and is it unreasonable to want to start going through his wallet?

the man has got an addiction - and you are managing it.

a bank account with an allowence is frankly ridiculous. - is he 9 years old?

i couldn't live like this. i think he is degrading you, it might not be intentional, but he is. he thinks nothing of you or the children, he might think he does, but if he really did, you wouldn't have to check bank accounts everyday, rumage through his wallet and give him a seperte bank account.

I wouldnt let my husband treat me with anything less than the utmost respect.

my dh had an online gaming addiction that led to 5 years of increasing misery, where i would 'manage' it and set time limits, have arguments and come to 'agreements' etc

in the end it came down to the addiction or your family.

and i left

he chose his family and hasn't gone back.

it took me 5 miserable years to get to that point. but in the end - thats the only decision there ever can be, or else you turn into their mother - be in for 10pm ( i knowhe wont get much time in a casino) you can only have a tenner ( give him his pocket money) etc. and if you think about it in the cold light of day........its pathetic.
grown adults lliving like this is pathetic.

Everything you have said is what i am feeling deep down.

and if it were a friend of mine in this situation- I know what i'd be advising.

I'm glad your husband chose his family

and when you said "or else you turn into their mother"
....that rang true- as his mum died in November- and she was a gambling widow too- and my Dh knows what misery she went through...

so that in itself proves he is an addict- as he is now treating us as his dad treated his mum etc

And unlike a drug addict .... I don't want to be his SUPPLIER or his METHADONE....which is exactly what I am if i continue to MANAGE him.

can't really add to the good advice you've had from Brenda and others on this thread, just wanted to give you a cyber comforting squeeze.

its hard - its an addiction and a disease.

and you have to make a leap - its the disease or me.

and the disease will make him say all kinds of things - this will inclue how over the top you are and how you are exagerating things and even making things up.

can i suggest a very simple evidence log

start a blog on wordpress or blogger

you can set it up so only you can see what is written, but i suppose as it is anonymous it mightn't matter.

then you have a log.

My relationship is generally very good. but when its bad its bloody horrid. and its very easy to let yourself be blinded tricking yourself into thinking that things are ok

when really
you are hoping things are ok, you are waqnting things to be ok.

so start a blog ebcuase you can read stuff back and think - shit on a brick, who puts up with this ?

and then he cannot say it didn[t happen or invalidate your feelings.

daily blog

day 1, i noticed that a fiver went missing out of mypurse, ok its not a lot of money but its indicative of what i have to live with

day2,we agreed that he would have £20 pw, its still not enough, i don't even want to leave the kids piggy banks around and thats not right is it.

day3
we had a big row, he says i am a stupid cow and that every other person he knows gambles to some extent or another and what makes me special?
i don't believe other people live like this

.........

etc
etc

in a month it will be quite enlightening. for you

give him every opportunity to admit he is an addict and to seek help.

go to counselling - relate - he can't normalise things with a third person in the room.

try explaining to anyone but you - that its ok to do what he does - he couldnt and he would have to face the wrongs.

tell him this is probation - the relationship has until xxxxx. in which time he has to go to gamblers anon councelling and whatever...

mean it

mean it with all yourheart and soul that you will leave.

make plans

sort out money housing jobs

do it in plain sight - hide nothing.

or shut yer gob and live like this.

Brenda...when i first started reading what you said- it sounded 'harsh'...but i can tell you know EXACTLY how i am living and feeling.

So a genuine THANKYOU...words of sympathy are NOT what i need.

the blog is a fantastic idea...it certainly would help me evaluate- the shit hit the fan on jan 1st... but i am now looking back and realising all the times before i was aware it was going on - it WAS going on.

Thanks TotalC....All hugs greatly apreciated!

sorry, not meant to be harsh - just kinda bang bang bang 'definate' instead of meh meh meh soppyness.

if you decide to live like this, or even managing a small proportion of it ie. only racing only 2pm only the bookies on smith street only once a week....kinda thing...then recognise that you are doing this - and make active steps to managing your own life too, college, work, money - hide money - set yourself up for the future.

and analyse yourself, do you like the drama?

i sometimes thought that i must like the martyrdom - does that make any sense? i am a good person for putting up with this shit person...bizarre

if you ever want to talk - cat me.

i have been married 20 years this year - is hard throwing or comtemplating throwing your WHOLE LIFE away - dont want to belittle others, but when you have spent 20 years with someone - its a whole lifetime.

i also didn't want to start again - i dont want to go back into dating - no one will understand me and love me and support me and care for me like my husband - who has an addiction.

mrsDyson I don't know if you are being pointedly rude about my advice, but it if you are, then you are quite offensive. Understandable, since you have been in the situation yourself, but please try not to belittle others who are trying to help.

You ought to read the threads about people living with drinkers as well - the problems are very similar in their effects on surrounding "civilians".

I am in AA, which GA is very closely based on. If you want to know more from an "insider's" perspective, let me know and i'll pass on my email address.

Others have suggested he gets counselling before going to GA. While this is a very rational idea, the sad truth is that most addicts will just manipulate that situation, ie I'm in counselling so I don't need X anonymous; but then I won't discuss X with the counsellor because that's clearly not the problem. Result: X never gets addressed and, sooner or later, the addict picks up where (s)he left off. I have just seen my ex boss do exactly this with his workplace drinking ...

Whatever you do, give yourself a deadline and stick to it. Ultimately he will not be able to stop for you or his family - only for himself. So don't waste too much time waiting for it to happen.

Good luck. It can and will get better if you act.

Thumburns...Please believe ME...what you have said has been so helpful too...I need to make my own choice about what I do...and having your perspective is just as helpful as Brenda's.

Because I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, i recognise alot of DH's patterns of behaviour...and that is where it gets complicated...the blind leading the blind.

so whilst i see brendas advice as the 'safest'...I also see alot of what Thumburns has said as the most practical for ME in my situation....as I mentioned, our 3 boys are diagnosed with Autism- so this is already a 'complex' home....and without support....as having 3 with autism does not get me any help from any agencies.
The only help i get is what i pay for and my 6 monthly reviews by the psychiatrist- i did till october have a weekly visit from a mental health nurse- but she has left to have a baby, and we agreed rather than have to get to know a new one, i'd 'go it alone'...bad timing!

so i saw the psychiatrist 2 weeks ago- and he has decided to review me in 8 weeks not 6 months.

The closest GA to us is 45mins...and i guess, he won't go till he wants to go. If it were local- I'd try to persuade him- but ultimately i know HE has to choose,

thanks for the advice about AA threads etc....

And offers of emailing me direct... I will see how it goes.

Distance is immaterial, really - when he wants it, he will travel as far to a GA meeting as he would to a casino or betting shop in an "emergency". Until that point, he would find reasons not to go if there was a meeting next door!

When I started attending AA, there was one meeting a week in my town, but it was suggested to me to attend 90 meetings in 90 days! Attending those early meetings might easily take me 3 hours or more in total for a one-and-a-half hour meeting. But I'd have spent at least 3 hours in the pub, so it still seemed like a fair deal. If you want it you will travel and if you don't you won't.

And when do you want it? Well, as the saying goes - "if your drinking [or gambling, or drugging, or ...] cost more than money - THINK!"

Thanks Clutter - I am glad I was able to offer something of use to you.
FWIW, my suggestion of separating the bank accounts was purely to protect you and ensure you could pay bills and not lose your home.