Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking this is ODD and not something to celebrate?

25 replies

SweetChildOMine · 19/01/2009 22:52

My friend phoned me this morning and we got talking about her 15 year old daughter. This girl has NO personal hygiene, no hobbies, won't get out of bed in a morning, won't go out the house unless its to school (and that is under protest).

Anyway my friend sounded all cheerful this morning and said "DD got a shower last night by herself!" she's 15, I would hope she DID do it by herself! anyway she added "she got out and said 'Ive just been banging my head against the wall', not hard, lightly"

Friend replied "why?" so the DD said "the bang the old me out of my system, I'm going to change now"

Friend thought it was great, I would be calling for help personally if my 15 year old was purposely banging her head against a concrete wall?!

Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
cheesesarnie · 19/01/2009 22:53

id be asking gp for advice.

Original poster
SweetChildOMine · 19/01/2009 22:54

exactly, me too.

OP posts:
ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 19/01/2009 22:54

maybe one of them was saying it as a kind of joke thing?

unavailable · 19/01/2009 22:56

If you are a friend, why arent you talking to her about it, instead of posting on here?

Yurtgirl · 19/01/2009 22:57

She was literally banging her head against the wall?

That sounds odd, until I remember that ds would do that/similar

He is 7 and has aspergers - which means he takes things literally

Phrases like - put a sock in it, please do not remove and
banging my head against a wall - cause him to feel really confused

I would hope that my 7 year old will be having a shower on his own within a few years so yes a 15 yo certainly should - why hasnt her mother encouraged this years before?

SixSpot · 19/01/2009 22:57

I guess your friend knows her dd better than you do, though.

Original poster
SweetChildOMine · 19/01/2009 22:59

I have tried talking to her but she gets very defensive and ends up getting nasty.
Neither were saying it as a joke, it was meant literally. I have seen her do similar things.

OP posts:
solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 19/01/2009 23:00

I think I'd have called for help before now as the DD sounds clearly depressed (not washing and not wanting to get out of bed are classic indicators).
However if your friend doesn't know much about mental health and has been living with the depressed DD for some time, she might be desperately hoping for a change and prepared to believe that her DD can get better by herself. Though it sounds to me like an indicator that the girl is getting worse and starting to self-harm. Can you gently advise your friend to seek professional help for her DD?

Katiestar · 19/01/2009 23:09

'.......... the DD sounds clearly depressed (not washing and not wanting to get out of bed are classic indicators).'

Yes but also classical indicators of being a teenager!!

Original poster
SweetChildOMine · 19/01/2009 23:10

She's supposed to be on the waiting list for child pysciatrist but its been months now. She's been known to tear her own hear out (well friend found clumps of hair in her bedroom so we assume that is what has happened)

OP posts:
fryalot · 19/01/2009 23:10

dd1 hasn't done any headbanging that I'm aware of.

But I'd certainly celebrate if she had a shower without being asked/told/threatened with punishment/bribed/dragged

ThumbBurns · 19/01/2009 23:20

It does sound a bit like a distant cousin of mine. Or both of them, she and her brother actually. They are not quite right - on the outside, she looks quite normal, he less so, but their intellectual age is quite a long way below their actual age and they are not going to be able to live by themselves without care. She has no personal hygiene and has to be reminded to wash, use deodorant etc. She forgot at my wedding - she was dancing near my BIL and people were looking askance at him, poor man!

Maybe this friend's daughter does have some level of SN and the friend is embarrassed about it; but if this were the case, why would she be discussing it with the OP, who doesn't seem to know the ins and outs of the situation... unless she has no one else she can tell and she is really excited at what seems like a breakthrough?

mysterymoniker · 19/01/2009 23:32

poor girl

can you encourage your friend to chase up the psychiatric appointment?

MrsBrendaDyson · 19/01/2009 23:36

pmsl

did said FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL have back of her hand to forehead whilst imposing all this drama

the mother needs the psych evaluation for putting p with this rubbish.

DH said to my THREE teens " get out, its saturday, find some friends or something"

and they did.

you wouldn't let a toddler get away with this kind of behaviour

fryalot · 19/01/2009 23:48

taeai

Molesworth · 19/01/2009 23:52

YABU

When you have a depressed teenager, any sign of positive change is to be celebrated.

Has your friend sought help for her dd at all?

BitOfFun · 19/01/2009 23:52

If you have serious concerns and her mum isnt responsive, I think I would get some advice from the NSPCC on the phone, perhaps with a view to speaking to the school perhaps? I am no expert, but she doesnt sound like a drama queen or tantrumming toddler to me- just a kid who isn't getting the help she needs.

MrsMagooo · 20/01/2009 08:12

Sounds like a normal stroppy teenager behaviour to me (headbanging aside) - oh or maybe it was just me who was worlds worst teenager (although I did wash!!)

LOL @ MrsDysons DH - love it!

Umlellala · 20/01/2009 08:28

YABU. sounds quite positive to me. i'm sure she wasn't smacking her head hard on a wall, is just a physical demonstration of what she wants to do psychologically. good on her, hope she continues to feeel better!

McMamazon · 20/01/2009 08:31

the girl sound depressed. but she is clealry wanting to make a change and that is a positive. your friend is right to celebrate.

but i agree with you in teh fact that she should probably consult her GP.

mm22bys · 20/01/2009 08:35

I think it's ODD to post on a "Topic" like AIBU about your friend's dd, who clearly needs help.

YABVVVVU to even post here about something so serious.

mysterymoniker · 20/01/2009 08:45

I don't think starting the thread was bad, but it's hard not to take offence at some of the comments about teen stroppiness - on the face of it there might seem considerable overlap between normal teen moodiness and potentially severe mental health problems but when you see the two side by side there is no mistaking one for the other.

Servalan · 20/01/2009 10:15

I think it's out of order to post this under AIBU. If it were posted under behaviour or mental health it would come across more like you want to help your friend and her daughter rather than just slag them off.

Your friend must be going out of her mind with worry about her daughter - the fact that she rang up to share what happened shows that it is on her mind and she is desparate for things to improve.

It could just be rebellious, teenage behaviour, but it could also be depression. I think it's worth her going back to her gp with an update and chasing up the child psychiatrist appointment. Unfortunately, because mental health is often really under-resourced, people who are entitled to help often have to push for it

deste · 20/01/2009 16:33

It sounds like a small step forward and she is delighted, especially if she did it unasked. It sounds like she is turning a corner. You should be delighted for your friend and be gratefull it is not your problem.

NewAmazingBeginning · 20/01/2009 16:50

Actually, I do think it is something to celebrate as it sounds like progress if she hasn't been getting out of bed or showering. Clearly they need support but what is wrong with celebrating small moments of progress?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page