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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For thinking friend is being selfish and unreasonable and for storming off today?

14 replies

WipingAssAndTakingNames · 19/01/2009 21:53

One of my closest friends lost his job just before Christmas - he was - or rather, still is - in accountancy at a major City tax firm.

His redundancy deal is basically that they'll keep him on until May, and after that he'll get a redundancy payment of six months' pay including tax - well over £70,000 in total.

I on the other hand was told I'm being let go last week and given two weeks' notice plus two weeks of redundancy pay (about £650 in all) and am now worrying about how I'm going to pay rent, buy food and pay bills, and trying to think of ways to make dd's shoes that she's about to grow out of last a little bit longer. We have some savings but not enough to go far.

I was pouring it all out to above friend and a couple of other mutual friends over a coffee today - not exactly wallowing (alright, I suppose I was a bit), trying to get some practical ideas about what avenues to look down next, expressing my new-found disbelief at actually being entitled to almost nothing in terms of housing benefit and support - when he suddenly started telling me to get a grip, that I wasn't the only person who'd been let go recently, to think of him and his "career in tatters" whilst I'd "only lost a job" which I'd often said was tedious anyway, plus I'm used to not having much money so I should just stop complaining. And more. Long story short, I ended up storming out, crushed and furious that he could be so self-obsessed.

I do feel for him, and I think I've been really supportive - I talked to him for hours when he first found out, invited him round for dinner loads so he felt supported - but part of me also feels bitter. It's not like his redundancy is imminent, he isn't going to have to worry about what to do financially, like many people hit by recent job losses. And regardless of that, there was no need for him to get insulting.

Part of me wants to just phone up and apologise, say I know that he's feeling crap right now, that I know it's tough, that I know he saw his job as a career and a lifestyle as well as just a means to an end. But part of me thinks that despite all that, there's no imminency about his redundancy, and he isn't going to have to worry a bit about what to do financially, and that he was just totally out of order and a right selfish git for saying what he said.

Or am I the selfish one for talking about redundancy in front of him? I dunno.

OP posts:
plantsitter · 19/01/2009 21:58

Aw, he was being a bit insensitive. But it's a hard time for everyone I think and it seems a shame for the two of you to fall out when there is enough nastiness about already. I wouldn't apologise but I would probably call and say something like 'clearly neither of us is going to apologise but I really don't want to fall out' and make friends. Unless you really are too angry, which would be understandable.

Sorry about your job.

scrooged · 19/01/2009 22:04

It sounds like he's (rightly) very deeply upset at the loss of his job and is unable to think of anyone other than himself at the moment, or maybe he's trying to pretend it isn't happening.

I'm so sorry about your job.

DaisyMooSteiner · 19/01/2009 22:09

He doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. Presumably he has other redeeming qualities, because I'd be crossing him off my Christmas card list if it was me....

trixymalixy · 19/01/2009 22:17

He must be stressed up to the hilt, but I don't think it excuses him for the way he spoke to you.

Just because he earns more than you doesn't make it any less stressful for you to cope with what is essentially the same situation.

trixymalixy · 19/01/2009 22:18

Hope you both manage to get new jobs BTW.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 19/01/2009 22:19

So he is losing his job in a few months and will have loads of money - push came to shove, he could live for a couple of years on his payout...whereas you lose your job NOW and have no money and are seriously worried about the very BASICS like food!

I think you are in the worst position of the 2 and I'm amazed he can't see that.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 19/01/2009 22:19

worse, not worst.

dittany · 19/01/2009 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saphron · 19/01/2009 22:26

He was very selfish and definately unreasonable. I wonder though if he is depressed about the loss of his career; I say this because some people who become depressed become self obsessed.
I do hope that you both get new jobs really soon. Good luck.

catsmother · 19/01/2009 22:36

I hope I won't get flamed for this but there are some high earners out there with "high flying" careers (not "jobs") who definitely do have a "superiority complex" and who, as a result, think they have the right to look down upon lesser mortals whose problems are apparently insignificant.

I say this because I have come across it personally in the past. Obviously, not all high earners are like that but a very dismissive attitude towards anyone deemed not to be doing as well as them does exist. Consequently, in their minds, they therefore have further to fall and it hurts much more when they crash ...... and in comparism, someone earning "peanuts" can't possibly be affected as "much" as them. Except of course, they are thinking of figures on a bank statement, rather than the reality of actually living. Quite clearly, someone with a £70k payoff - even if they have to trade down - can still afford some sort of roof over their head for a few years, whereas someone with diddly squat can't afford anything.

It's a nasty narrow minded and arrogant way of looking at things and I'm sorry you've found out your friend is like this. I hope he realises on reflection what an utter pig he's been and begs your forgiveness. I really don't think you have anything to apologise for.

LucyEllensmummy · 19/01/2009 22:42

70K redundancy pay - you don't mention if he has children, family etc my heart bleeds for him!

trixymalixy · 19/01/2009 23:01

£70k does sound like a lot of money, but if he has a large mortgage in London and he can't sell his house then £70k would be swallowed up very quickly.he psrobably hs little hope of getting another job at that level very quickly.

Have some sensitivity please, he is facing possibly losing his house.

chipkid · 19/01/2009 23:10

it is hard for both of you. People cut their cloth according to their income-so as already said-if he has a big mortgage and other high expenditure-car payments, insurance,school fees etc that he cannot readily stop paying-the loss of his job is going to eat away at the redundancy payment relatively easily.It will not be easy for him to get another position in the current climate.
He is probably feeling just as bad about your falling out as you are-don't let it fester.

spina · 19/01/2009 23:11

sorry about your job.

sounds like your friend is stressed, as i'm sure you are. IMO he's in the wrong to be so rude to you. However if he's a friend then i'd give him a chance to remain friends with you. Give him a call. No need for you to apologise to him. he prob can't see beyond his own issues at moment.(not a critisism)

nobody is perfect. if he's worth having as a friend,stick with him.

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