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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to throw dh's wine away!

27 replies

youwontknowme · 19/01/2009 21:24

fed up with the stopping and starting. no more alcohol promises, tomorrow, it is always tomorrow.
he spends the whole weekend in bed. only rising to drink.

a long time ago, when we were first together, i threw his whiskey away, and he broke my precious walkman.
this time, he just had this pained look in his eyes, and no more was said.
he is sober now. and sleeping!

OP posts:
kitkatqueen · 19/01/2009 21:29

YANBU Well Done! Now you need to get him lots and lots of support. Don't forget this is an addiction, on this one topic you may not be able to trust him for years. But you can come through this together. Good Luck.

Haribosmummy · 19/01/2009 21:29

more needs to be said and done..

I gave up smoking many years ago and really disagree with that 'soak any ciggies you have left before bed' - sod that, you'll only go and buy more..

And this will happen to your DH unless HE resolves not to drink...

But, in the short term, no, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
youwontknowme · 19/01/2009 21:31

that's the thing, i have not been able to trust him. i know when he has been drinking. he reckoned he was ill but i just know, and i was searchign the hosue for the booze

OP posts:
RumMum · 19/01/2009 21:33

I don't think YABU... but like KAQ says... its an addiction and the giving up has got to come from him... not you... He will need a lot of support

if my ex goes without he ends up ill and shaking....

Original poster
youwontknowme · 19/01/2009 21:35

thign is, he is your ex! rummum.
my dh has been through the shaking stage and dt's, years ago when on whiskey. now on wine, so not so bad. but still everytime he gives up he is not 100% for a few days.

OP posts:
Original poster
youwontknowme · 19/01/2009 21:53

any suggestions HOw to support him?
i think i made it worse after he had given up for a week i asked him to buy me cidar!
just for the weekend he said he would drink, but of course it never is.
i presume i cant drink either?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 19/01/2009 21:56

You shouldn't drink around him, no.

Get in touch with AlAnon, they exist for your situation.

Original poster
youwontknowme · 19/01/2009 21:59

thanks nqc.

OP posts:
Original poster
youwontknowme · 19/01/2009 22:00

not keen on the idea of meetings though, what if i know someone.

OP posts:
bollockbrain · 19/01/2009 22:02

they will be there as they are dealing with the same issues so not a problem

kitkatqueen · 19/01/2009 22:15

Whats more important??
Recognising someone or getting help?

Original poster
youwontknowme · 19/01/2009 22:17

and i'd have to explain to dh where i was going!
that would really be bringing it home.
but i will give them a ring next time i get the chance.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 19/01/2009 22:38

You don't have anything to be ashamed of. Your DH has a problem, and you're getting help.

ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 19/01/2009 23:53

YANBU but you are, sadly, wasting your time.

He sounds like he has a drink problem. If he has, it is a recognised illness and he will need help.

Let me know if you want to contact me and find out about how I beat my own drink problem - I will pass you my email address.

You can drink what you want, when you want - it is HIS problem, not yours - but it would be a kind gesture not to do so in his presence for the first few weeks of his sobriety.

That's assuming you believe he's taking it seriously. Otherwise, you're wasting your time and should just get on with drinking if you want to.

beanieb · 20/01/2009 11:48

Don't know if someone will have suggested it already but contact AlAnon, people always told me to when I was with my alcoholic ex but I never did. Wish I had now.

Throwing drinks away will only make an alcoholic/problem drinker hide his drinking more and so even though it's hard the best thing is to get support for yourself and stop trying to make him give-up. He is the only one who can achieve this

Original poster
youwontknowme · 20/01/2009 21:22

beanieb. i was suprised at all the yanbu comments on my thread.
i was expecting more along your comments, sortofa, at least a HOw Dare You..
thanks for everyone's support.

OP posts:
HandleMeCarefully · 20/01/2009 21:26

YANBU - I wish my dh would point blank refuse to stop off at the garage on his way home and buy me beer (as I invariably ask him)...instead he does it every time.... hasten to add, I am not in your dh's ball park, but do drink more than is healthy

Original poster
youwontknowme · 20/01/2009 21:37

would he throw it away for you hmc?

OP posts:
HandleMeCarefully · 20/01/2009 22:30

Doubt it - would probably make dark utterances about waste and lacking self control!

ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 21/01/2009 11:58

HMC - why do you ask him? Is your drinking out of control? He's your partner, not your dad!

HandleMeCarefully · 21/01/2009 13:09

No really? I thought he was my dad

Do you specialise in unhelful posts?

ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 21/01/2009 13:33

No - I specialise in not trivialising alcoholism, because it destroys families and kills people.

Either your first post was a joke, in which case personally I found it unfunny and a little dull - that's just me, though - or, reading between the lines, you are more concerned about your own drinking and your ability to control it than you wish to let on. I can understand that completely but, if that is the case, then what I meant - in the nicest, and most helpful, way possible - is that it is not really anyone else's place to monitor or manage your drinking, any more than it is down to the OP to dispose of his wine for him.

Sorry if you still find this unhelpful, but there you go. And sorry if - heaven forbid - I come across as humourless, but it's not an illness I choose to joke about. Like I say, that's just me.

HandleMeCarefully · 21/01/2009 14:18

I really have little interest in engaging in a discussion with you, but no I am not in the habit of superficial levity on such subjects.

If you don't wish to engender negative reactions you might want to rethink your manner of personal expression /communication which leaves much to be desired.

Dismissive pithy remarks about 'he's not your dad' are not likely to be well recieved

Hth

HandleMeCarefully · 21/01/2009 14:29

Although re-reading this little exchange between the two of us...I suspect there has been some mutual misunderstanding, and whilst you might have thought I was being facetious I possibly interpreted you as being hostile when presumably that wasn't your intention.....

Getting back to the thread - how was dh this morning youwontknowme? Any sober reflections on his part re. his alcohol dependency?

ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 21/01/2009 14:37

It was neither pithy nor dismissive. You made it sound like you were relying on him to moderate your drinking and, if that is the case, I would strongly recommend you take time to consider why you cannot moderate it for yourself.

I am sorry my "manner of personal expression/communication" is not to your liking. As I say, it initially sounded like you were trivialising the OP's situation, which gets right on my tits, to be honest so, if I overreatced, I am sorry. I now realise that this was not the case.

It does beg the question, though, as to what sort of feedback you WERE expecting from an open forum? You say you don't want to enter a conversation with me, and that's fair enough - but surely you were expecting a response to your remark from SOMEBODY? After all, if it's not a joke, then you don't say things like that for effect.

SO - FWIW ...

If you feel you are drinking too much, you have my heartfelt and unreserved sympathy. It is imperative that you test, effectively and urgently, whether the control lies with you. Do NOT confuse this with abstaining for a token period of time - the goal is to cut down and stay cut down, not boom and bust.

If that doesn't work, then you should make it a priority to get external help. You will not beat it alone, it will get worse, and it will keep getting worse - there is no point in this progression when it cannot get any lower. The sooner you address this issue, the happier you will be.

I don't know if THAT was the sort of feedback you were after?

If, after all, you decide that you DO want to "engage a discussion" with me, then my offer to the forum stands - let me know, I will pass you my email address, and we can go from there. If not, sorry again, and I hope at least that we understand each other's motives and thinking now.

S

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