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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bloody inlaws.

19 replies

lizziemun · 18/01/2009 21:58

Ok i know i am probaly BU.

But my dad died on the 7th Jan, DH told them the following day.

I have heard nothing from them since no card or even text to see how either me or dd's are.

But yesterday she rings dh about his brother coming over (he works/lives aboard) next weekend.

Do we want to go to dinner on sunday, dh said no as we are doing a buffet lunch for family as it dd1 5th birthday on the 27th.

They have already been told this and all we get is oh we thought you would cancel as the funeral isn't till the 29th.

I mean am i odd that i don't to cancel dd1 birthday plans and upset her more. BTW we can't do it the following weekend as she having a party for freinds then.

Please be gentle as i am also nearly 33wks pg and very abit emotional.

OP posts:

MadMarg · 18/01/2009 22:01

Why should you cancel the party? It's probably even more important for your family to get together and celebrate something positive. It really will help you.

stillenacht · 18/01/2009 22:02

Oh you poor thing lizziemum . Your inlaws are being utterly thoughtless.

YANBU

Everyone should be trying to make it easier for you xxxxxxxxxx

Niftyblue · 18/01/2009 22:05

Yanbu
DD1 should have her birthday lunch on the 27th
Really sorry about your dad

chegirl · 18/01/2009 22:14

I am really sorry about your Dad.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Do what you want and need to do. Bugger everyone else.

Thats what I do. Ive given up expecting people to understand.

My own mother invited me to a 'lovely big party' on my DD's 16th birthday. My DD died when she was 14. My mum just couldnt understand why i didnt want to go to someone else's birthday party.

Sorry not meaning to hijack your thread, trying (in a cackhanded way) to let you know that you are not alone in having insensitive family.

Please dont feel bad for wanting to carry on with your plans.

MsG · 18/01/2009 22:18

So sorry to hear about your dad. Can't believe your in-laws are being so insensitive - perhaps they don't know how to deal with it? I know it's a bit of a lame excuse but I've heard of people ignoring a death before and have assumed they don't know what to say or do...

WinkyWinkola · 18/01/2009 22:41

I'm sorry to hear you lost your dad.

I think it's almost cruel that your in laws have not even begun to try and support you in a painful time.

You're trying to carry on as normal for your DDs' sake.

I think you need your DH to have a quiet word with his folks. They're being really out of order.

Original poster

lizziemun · 18/01/2009 22:44

Thanks for your replies i glad i'm not just beibg pregnant and hormonal.

Sorry for your loss chegirl.

MsG I don't think it about not knowing what to say it just dh mum suffer from 'It all about me'.

Lucky for me but DH won't put up with her behaviour.

BTW i'm not cancelling dd1 birthday if they don't come then it's their loss.

OP posts:

winterblues · 18/01/2009 22:45

YANBU and I am shocked by your in-laws callousness. Some people do not know how to deal with grief so ignore it but that does not help you.

I am so sorry about your dad and please do not worry about dd's birthday party, you and your family know what is best and as others suggested let your dh deal with his family. So sorry for your loss.

PoloPlayingMummy · 18/01/2009 22:48

YANBU at all. Surely they should be able to see this is a time you really need your family around and have something to celebrate.

Very sorry about your father

onepieceofbrusselssprout · 18/01/2009 22:49

Sorry for your loss lizziemun.

My inlaws are similarly self-absorbed. All is fine when everyone agrees with them, fits in with their plans and wants to do what they feel is right.

However the slightest inconvenience they take personally. Obviously in these sad circumstances you and your family come first. Such a shame your inlaws can't take their heads out of their own bottoms for a short while.

Good on your dh - my dh also puts us first and won't tolerate his mother's awful behaviour.

idlingabout · 19/01/2009 09:02

YADefntelyNBU.
So they imply that you should have cancelled DD's birthday ahead of funeral but that it would be perfectly acceptable to go and see your bil instead ? What planet are they on ffs.
They are clearly totally self-obsessed. Ignore them and enjoy your dd's day despite this sad time for your family.

sunnygirl1412 · 19/01/2009 09:28

I am so sorry for your loss, lizzymun, and sorry too that your in-laws are being so thoughtless at such a painful time for you. You are definitely not being hormonal and unreasonable - far from it!

BouncingTartan · 19/01/2009 09:35

Even if you weren't pregnant and hormonal, you would not be unreasonable.
Of course you should celebrate your dd's birthday.
Your ILs are very thoughtless. But don't you deal with it. Does your DH know how you feel? If he does, he should - and should be sticking up for you and acting as buffer between you and his insensitive family.

Sorry to hear about your dad Was your dd very close to her granddad, would it help on her birthday to have a rememberance of him, tell her though he is no longer with you in person, a piece of him is in your hearts?

purpleduck · 19/01/2009 09:36

Sorry for your loss

You have to do what YOU think feels right for you and your family.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/01/2009 09:46

So sorry for your loss . You need to do what's right for you and your family... screw the in-laws. I think they are being hugely insensitive. Get DH to have some words and I agree with BouncingTartan that he needs to act as a buffer.

I wish you lots of love and strength over the next few weeks. Best of luck for your new little one too x

LucyEllensmummy · 19/01/2009 10:10

Oh, i am so sorry for you, let your MIL go fuck herself if she doesn't like your plans. Insensitive cow.

You absolutely MUST have your DDs party, the only time I would say not to is if your DD didn't want it, but she is 5 of course she wants her party. You know that your Dad will be there in your hearts and he would hate for your DD to miss out. Its such a weird thing when people die, before i lost my Dad, i kind of thought that if anyone close to me passed away i would just grind to a stop and not be able to function. But life does and must go on, you find yourself having to do things, organise stuff etc it sort of gets you through it. The good things in life have to go on too - totally, it would sully the loved ones memory if it didn't.

Your MIL is being very selfish, but thats her problem not yours. Im sure your DH will be able to see his brother at some point and im sure his brother will understand.

I hope you and your DD enjoy her party and that you know how proud your father would be.

mamas12 · 19/01/2009 12:05

So sorry for your loss. lizziemum
Why not get your dh to ask what they would like him to do if it was one of them that had died?

d0glover · 19/01/2009 12:49

I know exactly what you are going through and my heart hurts for you - sorry.
You are going to suffer a lot more before you have finished but you must look after yourself (hard as it is but you must).
Try and ride over the insensitivity of others and concentrate on the needs of yourself and those nearest and dearest to you.
You obviously can't rely on MIL to be there for you.....

ladymariner · 19/01/2009 13:01

Good post LEM

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