to be annoyed at this?

[ItsGrimUpNorth]

My PIL over Christmas asked if they could visit in February. We live over 200 miles away. I honestly said we are busy in February but that we'd be down in March and we'd see them twice in April.

They were clearly annoyed about this. They've since been talking to DH saying they want to visit in February and wanting him to put it in the diary. I have told him, with irritation that the diary is full in that period and I've already told them this.

I feel like I'm dealing with children sometimes who go from one parent to the other in order to get the answer they want.

We saw them six times from Sept-Dec last year. We generally see them on average every month although it's not like a regular monthly thing - it sometimes works out we see them four times in two months or not at all in three months. But it all seems to be on average once a month. Plus we've taken them on holiday with us twice in the last three years. We can't afford a holiday this year so we're not going away.

AIBU? I feel really annoyed because DH and I exchanged cross words about it tonight and it seems the only time we're ever cross is when it's to do with his parents.

How long do they stay?

You do seem to see a lot of them. Especially if you often see them for a couple of days at a time.

yanbu, they should accept you are busy when you say you are. just make sure your dh doesn't back down.

Yanbu imo, if you're busy then you're busy.

But we're busy with friends, our social life at weekends. And friends should not take as much of a priority as GPs according to them.

Apparently, we should make more of an effort to see them especially as they'd be happy to do the travelling. It really annoys me as I think we make a real effort to see them. Obviously not as often as they'd like but we've got friends and we like to see them. Grrrr. I think 12 times a year even if we lived 50 miles away would be plenty.

Are they right to try and push for more when I say enough is enough?

I think they're bloody lucky you're already so understanding - we don't see my in-laws that often and they live about 5 miles away!

Sounds like you see them a lot , which is great but I can understand that they might be a bit disappointed that you are fully booked for the whole of Feb , we are lucky to go out once a month as a couple !

make a stand. they're behaving like children.

yanbu

YANBU and I would be very pissed off that they're trying to play you and dh off against each other. Will dh back you up?

Well, I don't know. DH seemed annoyed but when I explained the situation he simply said, "Right, conversation closed," which to me suggests that he's pissed off but sees my point. He's really not good at saying no to his parents. I can't understand it. He gets in a really bad mood whenever we don't do what his parents want or ask. I've no issue with saying no to my parents.

In my book, "Right, conversation closed" suggests to me he needs a kick in the balls reminder in how to speak to his wife with respect

What are you doing while the diary's full up by the way? I know you shouldn't have to tell them everything you're doing, but maybe compromising that would spell it out to them, for example, that for at least some or all of that time you simply won't be in and plans won't can't be changed now.

First let me say I don't have PIL, so am not speaking from experience.

However.....you sound as if you tolerate seeing them and 'allocate time', rather than enjoying spending time together. It also sounds as if you are completely in charge of the family diary. You sound angry and resentful (impossible to tell if it is due to this exchange, or if that is a general attitude toward them).

Do you think dh wants to see his parents in Feb because he feels pressured by them, or because he really would like to see them? Does your dh have input into your social schedule (am not excusing the way he spoke to you, btw)?

I can appreciate that you/dh shouldn't live in your PIL's back pocket, and perhaps they are overly demanding. And of course you have commitments and a social life that doesn't include them. But....

There is a big difference between making time to see someone because you want to (and making them feel important), and simply 'fitting them into' your busy life. Personally, am in awe of a person who knows at Christmas what their weekend commitments are through April!

YANBU !! My inlaws live two hundred miles away and we see them 3-4 times a year. Usually for a long weekend , fri- monday.

Could they move closer? Maybe if you were closer to eachother you would be able to spend more quality time together more frequently.

YANBU (but I cant help thinking that beanieb's reply made you cringe there lol)

YANBU and I feel your pain - have exactly the same problem, and yes earlybird I do "tolerate" spending time with them rather than look forward to it because my MIL is thoroughly unpleasant to me and undermines all/most of my parenting decisions and pretty much everything else I do in my life!

As for suggesting they move closer ! I'm trying to work out how I can emigrate but take my parents with us!

Stand your ground - they have no right to dictate your diary and you have every right to see your friends.

Tell him to go by himself!

Do they stay with you when they come down? Do they stay all weekend or just for the day? Surely there's a compromise?

I am probably not the most sympathetic ear as until about a year ago I was obliged to spend every saturday afternoon with dh's entire family for a very long family lunch. In the last year or so I have managed to negotiate it down to every other saturday but even then on the sat we don't go, we have to go visit on sunday

so once a month doesn't seem that much really. On the proviso that they don't stay over (with you at least), is that possible?

Out of interest how often do you see your parents?

We occasionally find it hard to balance as my parents live relatively locally so can come for a meal of just for a couple of hours quite easily. My ILs have to come for a weekend (or more usually we go for a weekend).

Hmm it sounds from your post as if your DH wants to see them.I do think you are being a little harsh. How would you feel if your child wanted you to see him and you had to wait until their partner decided their was a slot in the schedule.
Can you do some of the 'social events' without him to give him chance to entertain them ?

Actually, no, DH is happy to see them in March and we'll be seeing them twice in April. How is that harsh? We see lots of them.

We see my dad three times a year and my mum every month when she babysits for me.

What I don't like is the inference that I'm lying that we're busy in February and that if they don't like the answer I give them, they think DH will just say yes to whatever they want.

Is your DH an only child by any chance? Sounds like a lot of pressure on you.
Is there anything else going on in their lives? Do they have a social life at home? Could it be that they have found out that 1 of them is ill and worried about seeing as much of family before they die?
Or maybe they are just a pain in the - my PIL are.....

Stick to your guns.

Sorry 'ItsgrimupNorth' I assumed that when you said it had caused arguments between you and your DH it was because he did want to see them.my mistake !