To be annoyed with my DH?

[MrsGrouchoMarxMerryHenry]

I know that to many of you this will be an old familiar scene in your own households, so I value your input!

DH works full-time; I work for money p/t and look after DS for the rest of the week. I do all the cooking, 95% of the housework, and I am constantly tidying up after both DH and DS. I've left it until now to complain about DH not tidying up after himself because no matter how gently I phrase it, if I ask him to change the way he does something, his first (and sometimes only) reaction is to defend himself against some imaginary attack. I have mentioned all the instances of tidying (which I list below) in the past, only to get this defensive reaction. So I left it a few months. And now I can't leave it any more.

So yesterday I asked him if he could remember to clean up after himself. I said "It would help me enormously if you would start tidying up after yourself," (as opposed to "Will you stop being such a lazy arse...", which is what I'd have liked to say ).

I then gave some examples of specific instances where I clean up after him every day: after breakfast (if he prepares his own food he NEVER clears the work surfaces), after lunch and dinner (he always leaves his plates on the table when he's finished); tidying up DS' bedroom when they've been playing; ditto after playing in kitchen; clearing DS's toys out of the bath.

DH carefully listened to me, then said: " Well, actually there have been times when you've left stuff on the work surface after breakfast as I mentioned the other day so it's not just me, is it?; But yes, of course, we both need to get better at cleaning up, don't we?"

(FWIW his complaint about me leaving breakfast stuff - that's happened about twice in the past 3 months, as opposed to me clearing up after him every bloody day )

So. I am annoyed because I feel that he gave far more significance to defending himself (by making me culpable) and then made a fanny-arsed attempt to agree to what I was asking (by again making me responsible as well as him). I explained this to him and he thinks I'm being unreasonable. And now he's in a foul mood but pretending that he's not.

He sounds embarrassed- but you have missed the glaringly obvious....did you not know woman? Men are NEVER WRONG!! Jeez, I can't believe you don't know that yet

chin up, love- if anyone actually knew the answer to that one they'd be far too busy sunning themself on their private yacht to be on MN

Are you married to my DH as well?
This constant blame-shifting DRIVES ME MAD!!! It makes any sort of reasoned debate impossible.
So, YANBU!!!! I sympathise.

God, I'm so reassured that I'm not the only one whose DH does this! Honestly, he's so thoughtful and lovely in so many ways, and so full of insight when it comes to other people's lives (he'd like to train to be a counsellor) but when it comes to himself? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

my dp doesn't do any housework unless i mention it and go on and on etc i dont want to become boring and nag so i get on with it but they only do what you allow them to do

so now after we've eaten i'll kindly ask can you clear plates for me and wipe surfaces and i'll do this and this and he'll happily do it

i'll do the same when i want something else done and he'll do it i'll say thanks after and he's happy with that

men do become defensive as i do when ive allowed things to become cluttered to prove a point and he'll moan about the mess lol

sometimes they dont do it incase they do it wrong so i wont tell him i dont do it like that or pick at what his done and ive found now he'll help more often not alot but its a start

Bubblagirl, I'm glad you've found a solution that works for you, but it would annoy the hell out of me to have to remind my DH every day to clear his own plates. I don't mind doing the normal housework and cooking (and he does a little housework every now and then) but clearing up a mess when he's just walked off and left it behind? Please! I'm not his mother, so I don't see why I should be responsible for wiping his arse, IFSWIM.

Just stop clearling up after him.

You are not his mother.

Men will do nothing if they can get away with it and a lot of women are hot wired to just be the mother of the whole household.

I know my hubby is great in that he does anything that needs doing but that is how it should be.

Why don't these men want to make their wives lifes easier and stop being prats?

"i'll kindly ask can you clear plates for me"

no no no no no no no no no no

i know i know it was the only solution but he does do it now without being asked or offers guess i had to train him lol

he does work really long hours though so not always about and is so tired when home he needs shove in right direction he can work 20 hr days or works away so he doesn't really know routine so does need to be asked sometimes

i am the sort the willm just get up and do it though as used to being on my own so asking him makes me step back and not do it

New AmazingBeginning - the trouble with a lot of men (including my dh) is that if you stop clearing up after them, they won't start doing it themselves. They will just live in a tip.

I'm in the situation where dh works ft and I am a SAHM with a child at school, so I quite happily accept that I will be doing all the shopping, washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, lawn-mowing, bin-putting-out etc. However, I do get frustrated that dh doesn't tidy up after himself - stuff like leaving the breadboard-with-crumbs, breadknife, butter-dish-with-lid-off etc around after making himself a snack. But I know that if I left it, he wouldn't clear it up, because when he lived on his own, his house was a tip. It's not that he expects me to tidy up after him, it's just that it's not important to him whether it's tidy or not.

I don't know what you can do with those types.

SoMuch - that's exactly it! And I don't want to live in a tip, nor do I want to turn into a nagging secondary mother for my DH!

Though actually, unlik your DH, SoMuch, my DH prides himself in being organised and tidy.

Ha Ha! Organised and tidy would never describe my dh! He has many other good qualities, but not those two!

Haha! Actually, DH is very organised and tidy with his work stuff (he's self-emp) and he used to be good around the house. Then all of a sudden, without me noticing, it all stopped.

So now it seems I am a walking stereotype: a woman who nags her husband for not tidying up after himself.

Excellent.

DH carefully listened to me, then said: " Well, actually there have been times when you've left stuff on the work surface after breakfast as I mentioned the other day so it's not just me, is it?; But yes, of course, we both need to get better at cleaning up, don't we?"

Well the difference here being YOU dont expect him to clear up after you...if you occasionally leave the place untidy, then you eventually will clear it up. If HE leaves it untidy, then yet again, its you that will tidy his me

My bro lives with me and if I have to remind him to tidy up after himself I get huffs and looks, especially if its not too tidy. My point always is I dont expect him to tidy my mess so why should I tidy his (dont get me started on milk and sugar spreyed everywhere). The house shouldn't have to be spotless to remind him to tidy after himself

Does it really matter whether he agrees that he's been much worse than you about this?

Surely you can just say 'yes, you're right, let's both make an effort to be better about tidying up after ourselves'?

I'd tackle the issue in small steps - work on the breakfast dishes, remind him about them, point out when he's forgotten (gently and kindly if possible) and then work on other areas.

I say this as a woman who was raised by wolves, and continually leaves a trail of mess behind her. I just don't see mess. I am getting a bit better over the years, but it takes time.

bubblagirl that's the only solution I've found as well. I simply say "please can you do this, this, this and this" and it goes and does it.

I know the theory is that you should get them to grow up and take some responsibility, but in practice if i never said anything, he'd never do anything, and I'd spend all my time really wound up about the state of the house.

Two of my friend's have house-husbands and they have given them a list of things to do each day. Pre-list they were having a lovely time playing with the DC all day but it never crossed their minds to clean the bog etc.
MrsGroucho - how would he respond to just being asked to do things when they need doing/having some jobs which were "his"?

I just spell out the bleeding obvious. DH's most annoying habit is opening mail and then just leaving it on the nearest surface to where he happened to open it, and walking away. I used to just deal with it, now I tell him he needs to file it/sort it. He'll always do the clearing up - he just needs specific instructions. It's bloody annoying and I resent the fact I have to spell things out, but the alternative is martyrdom.

hassled DH does that too. Drives me mad.

I think we just have very different ideas of what constitutes a mess.

I go around pointing saying "what's that? why's that there? put that in the recycling"

I mean I'm not bloody doing it for him and I'm not having it left.

i blame his mum

This post is of no help, I know, and I am sorry about that, but yours could have been posted by me. I also find that if there's any kind of emergency, there is absolutely no question that I have to stay at home to deal with it, because I am PT and therefore my job isn't as important

they dont see it, i think it just doesnt register somehow
dont have any answers, but dh answer is that he was just about to do it whatever
cant even be bothered to nag i hate nagging just end up victim of invisible voice syndrome

my sympathies guys

Blame his parents

As I type this my two DS's are putting away there toys (or no stories)

they are 3 and 22 months. If you start training your DH now you should have it sorted in about 18 years

good luck

Dittany I did something like that when he just would not pick up his dirty underpants,socks etc. from the bedroom floor, I eventually put them into his briefcase while he wasn't looking one morning and got the full story of him opening it in a meeting!
The other thing which worked well for me when we had babies I gave him a choice saying right we have to 1 either change nappy or 2 wahing up, which one do you want to do? knowing full well he would NOT do the nappy and I just made sure the other choice was something I didn't want to do. Worked really well.!

Hassled - same thing with the mail! Once he left a pile of it on the gas hob, went away with work and moaned when he came back three days later that I'd moved it! I'm forever telling him to move it or it'll get lost yet he seems to be permanently stomping around looking for lost paperwork. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.