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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit annoyed that my inlaws keep buying DS things inc a new baby walker now that I said I didn't want to get him?

26 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 17/01/2009 10:59

My DS is nearly 15 months old. My inlaws totally dote on him which is great and they buy him things most of the time, which again is really nice of them but it is starting to get to me a bit now! It's like every single time they see him he gets something (most weeks), little things like a toy or clothes but now SIL phoned to say she has bought him a baby walker to help him walk. He is still not walking and is only really standing when we stand him up against something he loves to touch (like my laptop!). I have discussed his lack of standing with my HV and she said not to be too concerned but she has put a referral into physio in the meantime. We are encouraging him to stand so he will walk but I also don't want to push him before he is ready.

I had thought about baby walkers (the type you sit in) and decided against one because I had read conflicting things about them and they aren't that great in promoting walking anyway. I had said this to inlaws when they kept asking why DS didn't have one. Plus they are huge and our house is tiny and already overrun with baby things. So I now feel undermined by SIL because she has gone ahead and got DS a walker anyway despite me saying I wasn't getting one. She said it will help his walking and it's making me feel like they all think we aren't doing anything about his lack of walking or don't care. DH can see my point but thinks I'm being too overemotional (which I probably am) but I can't help but feel a bit annoyed and undermined.

It's like when they always buy him toys too, fine when he was wee and didn't know any better but he will be starting to understand about presents etc soon and I don't want him to grow up expecting toys and presents all the time, esp when we don't get him them now! I only want him to have gifts on birthdays, christmas and really special occasions (like when his little bro / sis appears at summertime) but I feel like they'll just laugh at me if I say this or feel like I'm being mean / silly if I ask them to cut down on the presents. My SIL has a DS herself (age 8) and he is really spoiled so she thinks nothing of giving presents all the time.

AIBU to feel a bit weird about all this? Any advice?

OP posts:
alphabetsoup · 17/01/2009 11:12

Let her keep the walker at her house for when you visit. i bet in a few weeks he'll be walking anyway !

Since when was 14+m late walking anyway ?

abbierhodes · 17/01/2009 11:12

YANBU. If her DS is spoilt, then you don't want her advice on parenting. You need to stand your ground on this...don't allow your DS in the babywalker if you don't agree with them.
wrt the presents, you should ask them to cut down, but possibly accept that they will want to get things occasionally. My mom loves spoiling my boys, and we have an agreement now that she gets them a small treat on a friday. I think that they shouldn't get presents so often, but at least it's not all the time anymore. She only buys something small, like a magazine or a very small toy.

WinkyWinkola · 17/01/2009 11:14

YANBU.

Those baby walkers are banned in other countries. They're really dangerous apparently. I didn't know this but never wanted one because they're so big and well, I guess the kid will learn to walk when he's good and ready. He doesn't need pushing in that respect. I never understand the rushing of little kids to eat, walk, talk, run.

Why don't you ask them to put money in his savings instead? That way he'll be able to put a desposit on a house when he's older.

bubblagirl · 17/01/2009 11:16

i can understand how you feel but they are concerned and dote on him at same time thats great

its no reflection on your parenting at all the waker will probably do good my ds was late walker and the walker helped no end for him gave him more independence and confidence

as for the present s explain you love the fact they spoil him but could they not bring something every time my parents and my nan will always bring a little something for my ds i don't mind but its always something small

stop worrying about what they'll think its your child and they will respect that i think the walker would be good though my ds came along great got great leg strength and then was able to walk holding on and then no stopping him they are just worried not criticizing your parenting

bubblagirl · 17/01/2009 11:17

i saw this a s walker you stand and hold onto to if its sit in then say his not allowed to use it too old i think for one of them anyway

edam · 17/01/2009 11:18

ds didn't walk until 17 months, so I wouldn't worry too much. Apparently it's not seen as delayed until a lot later than that.

Your SIL is being officious and you are entitled to be cross. Personally I'd just take the baby walker down to a charity shop. Btw, I think the dangers are related to falling down the stairs, IIRC.

BitOfFun · 17/01/2009 11:21

Why don't you just have a quiet word with one of them, and say exactly what you have told us? None of it is ranty or unreasonable, and you don't have to be all chippy. You can just tell them you know! You don't come across as moany or aggressive, so I'm sure you can do it. Plus, you can make out the hv advised against the walker too- many of them do.

Divineintervention · 17/01/2009 11:22

ds1 walked 16 mths, ds2 19 mths, dd1 20 mths....so ds3 (10 wks) 3 years?!
I agree that presents too frequent devalue birthday and christmas gifts.
I think your complaint is a common one, I always got excited when the big plastic rubbish broke, that my pils had bought!

chancelloroftheexCHEQUERS · 17/01/2009 11:22

I think I read that the baby walkers they sit are a) dangerous and b) encourage them to walk on their toes, which is not good for their development.

The ones that they just stand behind and push are presumably ok.

I understand your point re: not wanting him to expect gifts. Coudl you maybe steer them towards buying clothes rather than toys? At least they would be useful.

LIZS · 17/01/2009 11:23

yanbu Putting aside the dubious benefits and recognised safety risks of baby walkers, if he is bearing weight on his legs to any extent he is past using one already, and probably beyond the recommended weight limit, so complete a waste of money. Ask her to swap it for one he can push along or sit on and ride to gain coordination, if she wants to buy something.

tootyflooty · 17/01/2009 11:25

All mine had baby walkers, they gave them more independence and me a bit of peace, ds 1 walked at 12mths and twins were 12-13 mths, but it is your right to choose.I have known babys who walked at 18mths, they all catch up eventually.with regards to pressies, you are right to be concerned, there is nothing worse than a demanding spoilt child. Money was a good suggestion as it is an investment for the future.Maybe they could start saving for school fees!! if they have that much to play with!!

clam · 17/01/2009 11:25

I read how dangerous they were were and the article went on to list reasons why: one child had tipped over into a lit fireplace; another had wheeled off a flat roof!!!!
FGS, does that not mean that it was those parents who were the dangerous ones, not necessarily the babywalkers? Who the Hell lets a baby loose on a flat roof? Or near an unguarded fire? Or along the landing with no stairgate, another example cited.
We had one for ours, on loan, and DCs liked to pootle round in them for a few minutes now and again. But it was just something we used as a change from other toys, not to teach them to walk, particularly. I can see how people might object if a baby was stuck in one for hours at a time.
re: your ILs, why not say thanks, how kind, but would you mind if we kept it at yours for him to use there, as we have no room for it? And if that's not on, fold it flat, store it behind the sofa and forget it.

kitkatqueen · 17/01/2009 11:44

Hiya, I have 3 kids and one set of grandparents has been doing the presents thing from day 1. My DP and I don't like it and have subtly tried to express this on occasion without giving offence. My house has been geting so overrun with toys it was actually starting to get me down - I couldn't actually tidy up. When DD1 ( aged 4) told me it didn't matter if her toys got broke because she had others and nanny would just buy her more it was the last straw. I have been trying to bring up my children to value their things and its being undermind by nanny & grandad.

In the end I just bit the bullet and told the GP's just before new year that the constant present buying was causing problems and as a resolution in 2009 we only wanted the children to have gifts at special times like xmas and b'day.

It probably makes me sound like a witch to the lovely gps and to my kids but I couldn't cope with the sheer volume or the effect it was having on them.

As for the baby walker my kids have all had one but that was my choice - its not ok in my opinion to foist descisions onto people. Personally I would tell sil that "Sorry you don't agree with them, or that the health visitor thinks its a bad idea until he's been seen by a phisio as it could cause more problems" Which is true in that my sister is a phisio and had a late walking daughter who she wouldn't allow in a walker until she had been assessed and then still didn't!!

Good Luck!!

kitkatqueen · 17/01/2009 11:46

Oh incidently - the gps have decided to use the money they were buying presents with to buy premium bonds for the kids instead. Its a much more lasting investment and goes to show how much they were spending!!

thumbwitch · 17/01/2009 11:48

YANBU - it is not for them to say what will help, you have spoken to the HV so why does your SIL think she knows better? Especially if you have specifically said you don't want one and you haven't the space for one either.

Suggest to her that she gets her money back on it as it won't be used, and she can trade it in for one of those trundle truck walker things instead, which your DS will get much more fun out of for longer and will be much more use.

alicecrail · 17/01/2009 11:53

We got our dd a walker at about 7 months with she loved for a couple of months but now she is 14mo and cruising furniture i am worried that she will tip it up so it has gone in the loft, plus i really don't think they help them walk at all. My mum is always buying crap for dd - giant teddy's etc and now she wants to get her a mini (pretend leather) armchair and footstool!! Seriously! Our house is small and my mum has never been over (too far) so i make out it is even smaller !!!

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/01/2009 13:30

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herbietea · 17/01/2009 13:39

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compo · 17/01/2009 13:40

get to dh to ring her up and say you bth don't want him to have one, that he will walk when e's ready and that he hopes she can get her money back

StayFrosty · 17/01/2009 13:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mm22bys · 17/01/2009 14:25

YANBU about the walker, they are bad news. The ones the baby pushes along, like a trolley with bricks, are fine, but the ones they sit in are just down-right dangerous and should be banned here (as they apparently are in other countries).

If you have no room for it in your house, let your SIL keep hold of it...

YABABU about the presents - it's not going to spoil a child getting the odd present outside of birthdays / Christmas etc, and your DS is still too young to understand.

Re the walking, he is still young, and chances are that he will walk in his own good time, and while I think the HV's referral to the physio is a great idea, the walker in itself won't make any difference....

purpleduck · 17/01/2009 14:43

YABU about the presents. It is lovely, and your dcs WILL know the difference between what mum does and what grandparents do.

YANBU about the walker. Stay firm and just say " I'm sorry, he can't have it". And mean it. They will soon learn to not think that you will come around if they are wasting their money.

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 17/01/2009 15:19

Thanks for your replies, it's good to know that I'm not really being unreasonable about the walker! SIL says she is keeping it at her house for when DS comes to visit, he only goes there about once a week / fortnight max for a few hours so I guess that's a compromise. I think it's more the fact she bought one despite me saying I wasn't going to get one and explaining my reasons why.

DS has a push along walker at our house (wooden one with bricks in) but he's not interested in actually walking with it yet. He also has 2 other toys that can be used as push along walkers too. I think SIL thinks he needs a sit in walker too because her DS had one. My DH and I were both late walkers so I think a lot of his lateness in walking is genetic too TBH, I know he will get there in his own good time!

OP posts:
ProfYaffle · 17/01/2009 15:39

I do understand your concerns re presents, my parents are ott in that respect too. One year, a few days after Christmas we piled up all the kids prezzies in our tiny living room just before they came over for a visit. They were quite at how many there were and finally had some inkling of the practical problems it can cause.

Since they we've settled on an arrangement (their choice) where they can buy as many clothes and books for the girls as they like but not toys. They don't always stick to it but the situation has vastly improved. I'm also really ruthless about turfing out old toys/books etc to the charity shops.

LittleBella · 17/01/2009 15:56

They aren't just dangerous when they're on flat roofs etc., they are dangerous because the speed and momentum a child can build up in one, can then cause injury when their feet can't keep up with it.

Wouldn't let your DC in one at all tbh, even in SIL's house. It is very controlling and bossy of them.

I think YABU about the presents though, your DC's won't grow up expecting presents from all and sundry, jsut their GPs!