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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be dreading looking after my elderly mother after yet another operation?

11 replies

Monkeygi · 16/01/2009 00:01

My mum is having a heart op in March/April. She lives quite near, about 6 miles, but will be in hosp in London. For background purposes, I have 2 dc, one of whom is 14 mo. I have cared for my mother (as far as poss) after several ops over the last few years and have had to do some rather unpleasant stuff. The last time she was ill, I took a break and demanded that my FOUR other siblings took their turn. (no. 5 lives in Oz so no help!). She has moaned and whined to all of them that I didn't pull my weight etc, tho I did do shopping etc for her and ferried her to hosp appointments. She even demanded that I shop at a different supemarket than my usual because 'the food tastes different'. Now she's having another op and my 4 brothers have faded away and my sis has 3 kids of her own to look after. It's making me tense already!!!!

OP posts:

chegirl · 16/01/2009 00:13

No you are not being in the least bit unreasonable and I really hope that you get the help and support you need.

DragonLowFatSpread · 16/01/2009 00:17

YANBU
but it's worth finding out if anybody can help lighten the load. any friends or neighbours? what about making enquiries about a temporary care package from social services to help out?

Original poster

Monkeygi · 16/01/2009 00:22

I know some friends have taken her shopping- she wanted me to but I couldn't work out how to push baby in trolley AND a wheelchair- but tbh she doesn't have many friends as she has some kind of paranoia complex where she alienates them because she says they're social workers ( whom she hates with a passion!). There might be a care package- thanks for that, I'll look into that. Part of the dread though is that I still (at 40!!!!) am looking for her approval and feel I'd be letting her down if I don't help. V complicated history there......

OP posts:

DragonLowFatSpread · 16/01/2009 00:31

what about online shopping?

not sure about the approval thing, that's bigger than getting the right teabags isn't it?

do your brothers live locally? if they helped last time when you asked, it's worth asking them again. but maybe accept that she will give you a hard time for not doing as much.

sounds like you are to decide between getting a hard time for taking a back seat and getting hard time for helping but not getting it quite right.
so YA definitely NBU.

tengreenbottles · 16/01/2009 12:45

I dont know about down there but the red cross offer a home from hospital service where they pop in and check on people who are discharged home ,i think shopping might also be one of the jobs they can do. Also ask the ward as soon as your mother is admitted if they can suggest any organisations who might be able to help . If your mums lives alone ,what about a step down bed ,where she goes to convalesce for a week or two before coming home ? Try ringing your local help the aged too as they have volunteers who might be able to help and can give advice re funding for all sorts of things and will point you in the right direction.

MadMarg · 16/01/2009 12:52

Find out what some private home help will cost and tell your brothers and sisters that they can either pull their weight or chip in and pay the bill. Time to get pushy with them I think!!!

Original poster

Monkeygi · 16/01/2009 14:33

Thanks for the info tengreenbottles- I hadn't thought of help the aged or the red cross. I had thought of phoning her doctor's surgery so I'll get on to that. Sadly my sibs aren't in a position to help out with any bills and they are all pretty intractable when it comes to having requests made of them- probably cos they've all been accustomed to me doing it. But thanks to all for your advice and support!

OP posts:

MotherFlippin · 16/01/2009 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ThingOne · 16/01/2009 21:13

Have you heard of this prepared meals delivery service?

Also, talk to her local surgery, or the local hospital, about what support is available.

Original poster

Monkeygi · 17/01/2009 00:13

Boy am I glad I opened up to you lot . My husband is great and v supportive but is a typical bloke -'tell her you don't want to do it' is his advice. Not that simple though! I didn't realise there were that many agencies that could help. I suspect Mum may have been told of them but hasn't passed that info on to me. Anyway I reckon with the help of some of these agencies I'll be able to do enough to at least make me feel ok about it! (Even if it's not enough for her....)

OP posts:

wrinklytum · 17/01/2009 00:31

Hi Monkeygi is theRE A Red Cross organisation near you?

Ours have a home from hospitals service here who will come in to peoples houses once a wek for about 6-8 weeks after discharge from hospital.

I got helpf or 2 hours a week as a parent of 2 small children with an incapacitated dp,they will help with elderly people with shopping/cleaning.Worth googling.

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