In expecting some support from my partner?????

5 replies

sadnog · 15/01/2009 18:34

AIBU to expect some support from my fiance with my ADHD DS and my DD who has learning and behavioural problems. I am divorced from my kids natural father and have been with my new partner for 3.5 yrs now. I was very wary when first meeting him as he is 11 yrs my junior . He took to the kids well and they both liked him so I didn't see a problem. He accepted them both and I was honest from the start that they were "difficult". However things have got worse with DD and I will admit she can push you right to the limit but I find my fiance no support whatsoever. Tonight DD had a major tantrum as she deleted her file on Brain Academy on her DS and she got very upset. My fiance dealt with this by telling her to shut up! when I defended her by saying she was upset at deleting her file he just said "well it's no different to any other night with her constant whingeing, is it?" He then took himself off to the bath. Right now I'm bubbling with fury, AIBU????

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 15/01/2009 18:37

am not sure - is this a one off? because if so then i think we can all be guilty of stuff like this

if it isn't then you to have a serious chat about your expectations of him and vice versa

I am not a step parent but you surely need to present a united front and have roughly the same parenting style

you can read him going off to have a bath two ways

1 - he is avoiding the situation
2 - he wanted time to cool off

just talk to him calmly

hercules1 · 15/01/2009 18:39

I would find it hard to muster much sympathy for a major tantrum at losing a file on a ds game. Sorry.

LucyEllensmummy · 15/01/2009 18:42

him being 11 years your junior is ok, but how old are you both?

I think he is entitled to get peeved with your DD as a step parent, in just the same way a parent would. IF he is normally good with her, I bet you lose your patience with them, you sound like you have a lot on your plate right now. It really depends as the previous poster says, if it is just a one off or if this is becoming recurrent behaviour. If it is, i would be worried that he is actually showing that he can't cope or doesn't want to.

Original poster

sadnog · 15/01/2009 20:21

It's not a one off. He's never really been great with either of them. He's not nasty or anything like that but I often feel he doesn't seem to have much time for them. I used to put it down to his age and inexperience of children, he's 28 and I'm 38, but having been together 3 years now I'd have expected him to have gained some sort of parenting skills. Hercules1, We have a lot of problems with DD at the moment, it wasn't just a tantrum tonight, DD has behavioural problems and is currently being statemented at school, maybe I should have explained better. I have tried to approach my partner in the past but he gets all arsey and thinks I'm just having a go at him. And yes i do lose my patience sometimes but my partner never seems to have any in the first place!

OP posts:

LucyEllensmummy · 15/01/2009 22:35

This is really difficult as your children have some challenging issues from what you say. That would be hard anyway but to step parent these children must be even harder. Part of me thinks you're expecting too much but part of me thinks that if he can't step up to the plate then you have to think seriously about him being a father figure in their lives, as what they need is consistency. He is old enough i think, maybe you could both benefit from a parenting course? Im going to go on one next week as i have been struggling with my 3yo DD lately. I appreciate that you have additional issues to deal with, but maybe if he showed this commitment it would give you something to work on.

Flip