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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset i wasn't invited to my pops wedding.

15 replies

Mum2OJ · 12/01/2009 20:04

He was diagnosed with cancer last week and was told he would be ok until at least April when he hasd a holiday booked but he was rushed into hospital yesterday and he has gone downhill so much that he has decided to marry his girlfriend tomorrow but i can't go because there ins't enough space in the hospital chapel.

Everyone in my family has seen him except me and DS (not that DS would no any different) and i am so worried that he will go before we get to see him

I know that i am just being selfish but it is something i would really liked to have gone to.

OP posts:
TallulahToo · 12/01/2009 21:29

Mum20J: So sorry for you, really am. Have lost my own mum to cancer and also worked in a cancer support centre.

Just go - Don't wait for invite or more discussion. Even if you get there and really can't get in, you can be there waiting outside for when he comes out. And be happy for him. And show his girlfriend support.

It's a difficult time when nobody knows how to behave or what to say. There's nothing you can say except that you love them and there's nothing you can do but be there for them.

In my past experience (work), we often found that the patients coped with the idea of their illness but really struggled to cope with the emotions of the family members. It's important to be honest & fairly direct. Happy memories are a good start.

Original poster
Mum2OJ · 12/01/2009 21:36

I don't drive and it is over an hour away by car so i can't just turn up because i am relying on transport.

I have just found out from my cousin that everybody else knows but me because he wanted to tell me himself, the only reason i have been told is because of how quickly he is going down hill.

OP posts:
TallulahToo · 13/01/2009 10:51

My parents were the same with me (I was pregnant with DD at the time). Mum had very direct conversations with my sis (and lots of cousings too) but not me. Realised afterwards that she was just protecting me and actions were based on love.

Maybe up to you to show you can take it & maybe get a cousin to take you.

If you get any arguments, just say that you need to be there for him. Can't think of anyone coming up with an argument against that.

Patients tend to worry more about what will happen to those the love after they've gone. My mum was the same and only came to terms with the illness once we had reassured her we'd be okay.

Are you okay?

Original poster
Mum2OJ · 13/01/2009 11:52

I am feeling a bit better today, thank you, My sister is going to take me up to see my pops after she finishes work so we can see him after the ceremony.

I have only have 4 hours sleep though so am cream crackered.

I might see if i can get a nap in later and i really need to try to get an early night.

OP posts:
cikecaka · 13/01/2009 11:59

glad you are getting to see him today. Sleep deprevation can make things seem a lot worse.

Original poster
Mum2OJ · 13/01/2009 12:05

It is the second day i a row i have had little sleep, i think it just adds and makes me cry over any silly little thing.

Plus DS was upset last night, i think he can sense that something isn't right.

OP posts:
cikecaka · 13/01/2009 12:42

Plus, having to deal with it on your own without anyone to turn to doesnt help. Try and be strong, will be thinking of you later

TallulahToo · 13/01/2009 13:56

Mum2OJ, glad you're going. No time to allow for regrets. Not much you can say to him & his bride - Just hugs & love.

When you get home try & catch some sleep. You'll need as much energy as you can.

Will catch up with you tomorrow.

Lots of hugs....

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 13/01/2009 14:12

Mum2OJ hope you have good memories of your time together after the service.

SFIL and MIL also decided to get married at short notice after he was diagnosed with bowel cancer. However they choose not to tell anyone about it until a month after!

Thinking of you....

HolyGuacamole · 13/01/2009 14:56

Did you not get to see him on Saturday mum2oj?

Original poster
Mum2OJ · 13/01/2009 15:19

No HG, My mum and dad had things which they couldn't leave and my sister was going to take me in on the sunday but he got rushed back into hospital, he can't eat now because of how badly it has affected his stomach and he says he only feels like he has a few days left in him.

He has come to terms with it though which is good, i just wish i could! i think seeing him will help towards that.

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 13/01/2009 15:56

Aw, am really sorry to hear that

At least you know you are going to be able to see him now and that will make you feel a little bit better.

Original poster
Mum2OJ · 14/01/2009 14:08

I went to see my pops yesterday, apparently he had a lovely day but by the time we could see him he was very tired (and married ) although apparenlt he had been slipping in and out of it all day.

It was quite upsetting because i don't think he really knew we were there most of the time and kept hallucinating (apparently a side effect of the morphine) and coming out with really strange things, it's so hard to think that he is going to go so quickly, yet at the same time i am glad he won't be suffering for long.

I found it so hard to not cry whilst I was there and couldn't help myself at some points (should have worn waterproof mascara) but didn't want him to feel guilty at all for being poorly, IYSWIM?

Everytime he woke up he would hear OJ laughing at the balloons and giggling at the confetti on pops' bed and his eyes would light up for a moment, i just ended up staring at him looking for a glimmer of my pops but hardly saw it.

He had a lovely time and they did the whole day in stages, the nurses decorated him room with balloons and just married banners, they even made him confetti using a hole punch and different colour paper. there was food there and two cakes.

They used their commitment rings because his GF didnt want to pick the rings on her own and the commitment rings they had chosentogether.

OP posts:
TallulahToo · 14/01/2009 16:07

Hi, Been wondering how you got on. Glad (for you) that you went. It's a scary time.

Morphine really does some strange things but doesn't make you completely oblivious. He most likely would have known you were there. Even if he doesn't speak you should talk to him.

Apparently hearing is the last thing to go.

My mum was seemingly unconscous for a week before but still managed to sqeeze her thumb into my hand when I told her I loved her just an hour before she passed away.

How is his wife? Are you able to support each other through this?

peanutbrittle · 14/01/2009 16:12

sweetie - reminds me of when my mum was passing on - it's so hard when they are strung out on morphine - but at least they are feeling much less pain

thinking of you at this very sad and difficult time

glad you got to see him and that he has accepted things, am not sure my mum ever really realised

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