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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I need to breathe slowly and calm down, but I am livid with this doctor.

32 replies

roisin · 12/01/2009 18:14

A doctor said to my 9 yr-old son today "Have you been eating a lot over Christmas? Have you been putting on weight?"
She then went on to talk about him needing to do more exercise.

Dr should have known
He is a skinny little thing - you can see is hip bones and he has no tummy at all! He is above average height for his age and below average weight for his age.

Dr would not have known
We have been concerned at his unhealthy attitudes to food in the past. He sometimes exercises compulsively and chooses/declines food on the basis of them being 'high fat'. (He has not got these attitudes from us.) I know some very anorexic boys (teenagers) so it's always on my radar.

Dr should have known
He was in for a consultaton about some plastic surgery on a birth mark on his back/bum. He has had two operations in the past 4 months. Among other things this has meant he has had 6 weeks of this time when he hasn't done any PE, swimming or playtimes (on their advice).

Dr should have known
The operations by their very nature (excising and stretching skin) will have reduced the elasticity of the skin. Apparently - when pressed - when she made her ill-judged comments this lack of elasticity is what she was talking about.

ds2 was rolling about on the floor just now and I tickled him and jokily said "you're a skinny little wretch" and he said, "No, I'm not! Call this skinny? Look at this huge tummy. The doctor today said I need to lose weight."

I wasn't at the appointment. But dh went as ballistic as he could at her with ds2 in the room. We are now considering whether or not to complain in a more official manner.

OP posts:
thesockmonsterofdoom · 12/01/2009 18:16

I thi8nk you need to formally complain tbh, it is frigtening that a doctor would say this without any thought of the consequences.

GossipMonger · 12/01/2009 18:16

Shocking!

I would definitely complain esp as there are issues with your son and food anyway

These sort of comments can often kickstart eating disorders (as you obv know) and I would be soooooo angry!!

MaryAnnSingleton · 12/01/2009 18:17

and here

oneyummymummy · 12/01/2009 18:31

I would definitely complain!! I took my DD to the doctor because I felt a lump in her chest and the doctor made me feel really silly for taking here, saying 'Its completely normal, I did say that on the phone.' to which I replied 'Well its better to be safe and all that, I didn't want to risk it' to which she replied 'Well no thats not always the case!' WHAT?? She felt that its not always better to get things checked out, she advised me to look at my child next time 'You can see she is well', SOME things can be very dangerous but a child can appaer well for a while, surly she knew this!

I really do feel you should complain, I didn't and I regret not doing it now, I was strong enough to stand up for myself, as did your DH by the sound of it, but I just think that if she had said this to another mother who was more vounerable that they might not get something checked next time

oneyummymummy · 12/01/2009 18:33

By the way my DD was ok (she was 12 months at the time) but It hink this is irrelevent. The doctors should know better, people take their position very seriously and will believe most things that a 'doctor' tells them!

Olifin · 12/01/2009 18:36

I totally understand your anger at the Dr and would think a formal complaint might be in order.

However....I deliberated over whether to say this or not but... I am wondering how wise it was to have referred to your son as a 'skinny wretch'.

I understand you are concerned about him thinking he is fat but calling him 'skinny' is still an observation about weight; still drawing attention to it; making a judgement about it. Might it not be better to try to make no remarks whatsoever about his physical appearance; whether positive or negative?

I have no real experience with eating disorders so I could have this all wrong but it's just a thought.

Either way, I wish you and your son all the best and hope you are able to extract an apology from the Dr in question.

sausagenmash · 12/01/2009 18:38

Gah. Some Drs are SUCH knobs. I said those kind of things to a patient of mine in my clinic last week. She was however over 100kg and 15.... and had put on weight since last time (6 months ago). The Mum asked for a magic pill. Seriously. I said it hadn't been invented yet. The got shouted at. Hmmf.

Was it a paediatrician you saw? Cos if so, they should have a growth chart in his notes, with his height and weight plotted on it, along with your and your dh's heights. Not every clinic does this but they should. I'd complain. If it was a paediatrician at a hospital - to the clinical director of paediatrics. If it was a gp - to the practice manager. Good luck x

oneyummymummy · 12/01/2009 18:38

roisin just had a look at your pictures [just because Im nosey] Your DS's are gorgeous, there is no way you would class them as 'needing to lose weight'. Clearly this doctor doesn't know what they are talking about!! Have you tried to reasure your DS about his weight, does he firmly believe what the doctor says is true?

morningpaper · 12/01/2009 18:41

Hmm the comment is odd but Doctors can be odd - I'm not sure what his needing to exercise has to do with anything?

However, I do think that you calling him a 'skinny wretch' and your DH 'going ballistic' about the GP in front of your DS2 are unwise. Sorry.

morningpaper · 12/01/2009 18:45

I do think that Doctors etc. make a lot of comments like that, which we adults can be super-sensitive to: I would probably have said something like "oooh yes we've all been stuffing our faces over christmas so we're going on lots of walks at the moment so get fit again" or something

Docs make quite a lot of comments about my dd's weight and I try to put them into more positive words "yes she is looking much healthier and stronger!" etc. when she's in the room

frogs · 12/01/2009 18:48

100kg? At 15? Yikes. That's a lot of kilograms.

Roisin, I do think the Dr was unwise, but can you distract from it rather than turning into a big issue? It is odd how sensitised even skinny can get about weight, and I don't think the whole 'healthy eating' thing in schools helps as it tends to leave kids with the impression that apples and carrots = good, crisps and cake = bad.

nametaken · 12/01/2009 18:54

YABU - the doctor didn't say he'd put on weight, the doctor asked him if he'd put on weight. What's the problem.

Your DH going ballistic won't do your son any favours whatsoever.

Jacksmama · 12/01/2009 19:01

do complain!!!!!
that is outrageous!!!
for you

StealthPo09IsHere · 12/01/2009 19:04

at the OP's doctor and also oneymmymummy's for suggesting the highly scientific "diagnosis by looking at them"

bellavita · 12/01/2009 19:36

for you and DS

pamelat · 12/01/2009 19:40

I would also consider complaining or at least make a telephone appointment with that GP and tell them what you have said on there and the consequences that this has had or could have had DS (without DS there).

I really think that this GP needs to consider his/her actions and at least feel some guilt?

morningpaper · 12/01/2009 19:43

Obesity in children is a HUGE problem

I don't think Doctors should be terrified of mentionning it, or need to spend weeks on courses learning sensitive ways of mentioning the topic without offending anyone's sensibilities

I'd rather they spotted cancer and stuff

It's all the same to them - vaginas, arses, fat, knobs, gangrenous limbs, depression

I think some of you are being too harsh

Original poster
roisin · 12/01/2009 19:43

Hmm Dh told me he 'went ballistic', but I guess that isn't a good description of what he did. He is extremely gentle, tactful and polite at all times. I'm sure he didn't shout and swear at the doctor, but he will have got his message across.

Morningpaper and Olifin - I do take your points about my 'skinny little wretch' comments, and will watch my language around him in future!

OP posts:
chancelloroftheexCHEQUERS · 12/01/2009 19:46

I'm confused because the OP phrases it as a question, 'have you put on weight?'

Not a comment, 'you have put on weight.'

Which was it?

Original poster
roisin · 12/01/2009 19:47

sausagenmash - he's down as a paediatric dermatology patient, but this is just a 'dermatology' clinic. So the staff will have been seeing mostly adults all day.

It was mid/late afternoon and the clinic was running very late, so maybe she was just very tired.

It was an appointment 'with MrP [plastic surgeon] or a member of his team'. First time we saw MrP, thereafter have seen other staff, as is normal I think. It was a 'Miss C' though, so definitely a surgeon, not just a minion iyswim!

OP posts:
morningpaper · 12/01/2009 19:49

ah well even worse you see

specialised consultants have no social skills at all

but they are very brilliant at what they do

can't have everything

sausagenmash · 12/01/2009 19:51

Morningpaper - quite agree - obesity is all over the shop - but only an issue if it is an issue - iyswim.... Not worth mentioning weight issues if there aren't any... think thats why those parents shouted at me.... ho hum.... (just confirming my previous post - I missed a letter from They - hope people didn't think I then shouted at them. That would never do..) Anyhoo, for what its worth, a letter of complaint will only get the issue raised with the said Dr - she'd hardly get sacked - might just make her think what she says in future, thats all. Wouldn't even go down on a record thing anyway, I should think...

Original poster
roisin · 12/01/2009 19:52

Morningpaper I agree completely that obesity is a huge problem and doctors shouldn't be terrified of mentioning it ... if there is due cause. But ds2 is not in any way, shape, or form plump, fat, chubby, or overweight; quite the opposite in fact.

The doctor had no way of knowing that ds2 already has 'body image' issues, but even so I think she was way out of line in the way she expressed herself.

I need to chat with dh some more (he only had 30 mins to fill me in, then had to go out to a meeting).

Atm I'm thinking we won't pursue a formal complaint, but I'm still wondering about it.

OP posts:
wb · 12/01/2009 19:53

Obesity in children is a huge problem but unless a child is obese, or on the verge of becoming so, I don't see any point in mentioning it at all.

My ds1 is small and skinny (25 percentile for height, 9th for weight). If a doctor started talking about obesity to him I'd think they were barking tbh

LucyEllensmummy · 12/01/2009 20:31

Please complain - she was well out of order. It would have almost been worse if she had said this to an obese child. Talk about messing with self esteem. The person to complain to would be the practice manager - at the very least this woman sounds like she needs some more training.

Im not saying doctors shouldnt mention obesity to children, but it might be more effective to talk to the parents on their own or at least show some fecking tact!

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