Another housework-sharing dilemma - not sure if I'm BU, not sure what to do even if I'm not!

[houseworkhorror]

Background: DH is lovely - loves me, loves our DDs, hands-on Dad, been very supportive with some health problems I've had.

I'm a SAHM, and I've found it very hard to keep on top of the housework. My DDs are two years apart, and I've had rubbish pregnancies that have completely wiped me out, plus our babies don't seem to want to sleep. Now I have a toddler and a baby and I'm knackered all the time. DH works full time and is also knackered all the time. He does a big chunk of the housework, things like washing up, vacuuming and laundry. I know that he isn't thrilled about doing as much as he does, as I am home all day. I struggle to get much of anything done, but I do BF and take all of the night-time stuff with DD2 so that he can sleep and be refreshed to go to work.

So here's the dilemma - DH often doesn't do stuff the way that I'd like. He is a bit of a that'll do person, so our cups and spoons all have tannin stains on them. Quite often there are bits left on the bottoms of plates or the sides of saucepans. And (here's the killer) he'll put dark and pale things together in the wash. So our DDs beautiful clothes that are presents from family are ending up grey. He doesn't check pockets, and often sorts out my clothes from our bedroom, so often there are tissues in the wash, and a couple of my favourite things have ended up with white fluff bobbled into them.

Part of me thinks that a lot of men don't do anything and that I should be grateful. Part of me thinks that if I want DH to do housework then I can't consider it my area of life to be in charge of (if you see what I mean) and so I can't insist that it's done a certain way. Part of me thinks that there are far more important things in life like the fact that he loves me.

But part of me gets frustrated that when someone pops around unexpectedly that when DH was the last one to do the washing up then the cup that I'll give them is stained. Part of me is sad that our DDs lovely clothes are getting spoiled. Part of me is embarrassed that I have little enough nice clothing at the moment (my choice too - there's no point until I get some kind of figure back) and the stuff that I do have isn't being looked after so I end up a complete scruff-bag.

So, AIBU to want DH to do things differently? And if I'm not, what the Hell do I say to him that won't get him really grumpy and risk him not doing anything at all?

[abbierhodes]

I think some people on here are being a little harsh, it is very hard to keep on top of things with a baby and a toddler, I find working full time to be much easier!
I agree with others who have said look for practical solutions like a double laundry basket and a dishwasher!
I also agree with those who say you should hand over the kids when he gets in rather than the housework...shut the kitchen door and put some music on, the washing up will be done in no time and bizzarely,you'll feel like you've had a break!
Oh, and as for the suggestion that 'children nap, there's plenty of time', can someone who has managed to get a toddler and a baby to sleep at the same time (as a routine, not a lucky one off) please come round here and show me how!!!

[naturalbornmum]

Good post Abbier.

[PrincessButtercup]

I don't think YABU. I find it hard not to feel disappointed and frustrated that my very helpful DH does not have the same cleanliness/tidiness threshold that I do (again not terribly high). Yes, he works all day but I am also busy all day in running the kids around and spending time with them, cooking, shopping, meal planning, clothes buying, etc. etc., doing a million things that I accept as my responsibility as a mother. Just because I decide to stay at home to be the type of mother I want to be doesn't mean I've automatically signed up to be the household skivvy. In fact, even as a ft WOHM and principal earner I had exactly the same issues with shared housework. Is it so unreasonable to want to share the household chores?? I'm no more qualified to do them than he is. Grrrr.

I've found abbier's solution the best. Hand over the kids and just get on with it. Not ideal if you hate housework as much as I do but at least it gets done thoroughly and avoids arguments.

[littleducks]

ooh, this got a bit nasty didnt it:

i especially liked this from happymumofone

"If your children are young they will nap so plenty of time to do housework"

i have two young children, they do both nap albeit for one briefly and not daily but not always AT THE SAME TIME

i would take onboard some of the useful tips, colourcatcher/sort clothes when undressing/wash low temp and get a dishwasher possibly and maybe a trip to gp if you arent on any meds already, perhaps iron tablets or something simple like that could boost your energy levels

i take berocca which helps me feel good but makes your pee flourescent

[dustbuster]

Blimey, so many hostile responses, I thought MN was supposed to be supportive!

The OP is obviously thoughtful and has admitted that her husband is helpful and that she doesn't want to nag. But does she really have to be slavishly grateful that he does some housework when he gets home. She is looking after THEIR children all day and all night.

YANB at all U to mind about the clothes being ruined. That would drive me barmy too. Clothes are expensive and it's gutting to see them go all grey and manky. The tip about the separate laundry baskets is a great one.

The washing up is a bit trickier - IME everyone has different standards of washing up. If you can afford/find space for a dishwasher that might be answer.

Good luck OP!

PS Have you tried Floradix, it's great to give you a bit of a boost.

[onepieceofbrusselssprout]

I prefer to do certain jobs myself laundry being one of them. We are fortunate enough to have a dishwasher. I also prefer to clean the bathroom myself.

I have lowered my standards a little bit. Sometimes, (I work part time) on the days I am at home with the baby I don't do any housework; either because I am feeling knackered, or unmotivated, or we go out or whatever. So at teatime while the dcs are eating I give dh a genuine choice. Would he like to sit with the children and have a coffee and then play with them while I hoover and clean the loos, or would he prefer to do those tasks while I sit with them? He enjoys sitting and chatting with them, whereas by that time I crave a bit of child free time.

Then at the weekend again another choice, would he like to stay home and do an hour's housework, or take dcs to the park. He chooses the park. I get an hour at least to do stuff. Amazing what one can do with even 20 minutes and no dcs.

Also we try and give each other little breaks during the day (weekend) or early evening. It's lovely to take it in turns to sneak off with the paper and a hot drink, and then do the same later on for him.

[NotPlayingAnyMore]

YANBU and I agree with you OP!
If someone tries washing up or doing laundry but either are still stained afterwards, that's obviously NOT even a job done in my book, let alone done well.

[noonki]

Househorrorwork

You have my total sympathies

I am in a very similar situation, in fact you could be me!

What health probs do you have? I have CFS/Me and therefore find it really hard to keep on top of housework plus two toddlers.

When I was well enough to work part time in someways it was easier as the dcs were at childminders and so not making a mess (something that seems to have been completely ignored)

My DH is brilliant at doing stuff but we are both knackered (he works shifts so is hard for both of us when he is on nights as I have to try and keep kids quiet or find somewhere to take them without costing a lot.

Anyway here are my top tips

1. have a discussion out side of the house about housework and come to some sort of agreement on who does what

1. Either decide to do the jobs he is crap at or choose a time to bring them up (I alwys do it on the phone as DH doesnt mind then for some reason - he does the same with me)

1. sort out some time together that is fun

1. sort out toys (this changed my life!) They are now in smallish boxes. A box is choosen, they play when bored they help me back it up and a new one comes out (they are 3 and 20 months)

1. WOrry about your health more than the housework. Work out ways to minimise housework - do weekly meal planners or easy stuff. Double cook and freeze meals. Get out the house if you are up to it.

1. ASk friends to help. I have found out that people actually meant it when they offered that they would be pleased to take kids to park (or one of them) whilst i have a kip/clean up.

I think it is very hard when roles are blurred - good luck !

[MinaLoy]

Don't flame houseworkhorror! It is a real dilemma, and I think it was brave of her to describe it. I don't talk about it to my friends because they would think I was a spoiled brat. - I'm in the same position and so are a lot of other respondents. I'm going to read through the responses slowly and figure out how they can help me too. Good luck lady

[PrincessButtercup]

Good question TPHW!

My Dh's infuriating answer is that I should accept the second rate attempt because he's done his best...aaaaaarrghghgh!

[nooka]

I think that you should be grateful (as I think you are), but that doesn't mean that you are not allowed to be irritated or sad when things don't work out. I have to admit that in my household it is dh who might be having these feelings, not me I think he spends too much time doing the laundry and should just stuff it in (obviously not darks with lights) whilst he likes to check all the labels etc. It's not a men do things badly thing, more a some of us are more observant/careful about things than others.

I had a 16mth gap between my two, and even though I went to work when dd was three months, and we had a lovely nanny, and a cleaner once a week it was still incredibly hard for the first two years. Sometimes I think you just need to acknowledge that. On the plus side once you get past the baby years it is then delightful, and much less hard work, as your children are much more likely to play together, and generally be into similar things etc because of the small age gap.

In terms of management, I think there are some great ideas here, and you may also find checking the flylady stuff useful. It's all about gradually taking back control, figuring out what you can do, and doing it, and what you can't do, and not feeling bad about that.

Personally I found that being out of the house as much as possible was the best thing. That was much less mess is made, the children get worn out (lots of fresh air!), and you get a break. Other people's houses are always good at this time of year!

[mumeeee]

YAbu. Empty pockets befor you put stuff in the Laundry basket. I wash at a low tempreture and often mix colours. The clothes come out fine.

[onadietcokebreak]

maybe have a set if mugs for guests only?

Gotta say DH sounds like hes an angel even ifs not up t your standard....is he available for hire?!

[violethill]

I think there are dozens of very practical solutions here which will completely sort out the laundry/mug/teaspoon problem without a huge amount of effort tbh.

I think it's highly amusing that people are talking about the OP's DH doing a 'crap second rate job'!! He already does a job, remember, working full time so that the OP doesn't have to! Cut him a bit of slack FGS!

Or swop roles and OP go out to work!

[edam]

I think you'll find BOTH the OP and her husband work - it's just that some of his work is paid. Seems, in lots of peoples' heads, that's the only bit that counts. While all the housework and childcare is what, a little light relaxation?

houseworkhorror, some good ideas on here about the laundry. Suggest you get some Glo-white and do a whites wash to get the grey out once and for all before you bring in your new system. And bleach the mugs.

[violethill]

Looking after children can be hard work, but the fact is, if you're home all day, then it's easier to put a wash on than if you're 20 miles away at the office!

[violethill]

You know I've just re-read the OP to see if I am being a bit harsh. And the OP describes her DH as a lovely hands-on dad, who also does a big chunk of the housework including vacuuming, laundry and washing up.

And the main issues are around things like: sorting out her clothes in the bedroom and putting them on to wash, leaving tissues in the pockets. And putting the children's clothes in the wrong wash so they go a greyish.

Well excuse me!! Since her DH is out at work full time, surely the simplest solution is to use just 5 minutes of the day while he's out at work picking her own clothes up, taking things out of the pockets and putting them through the wash? And maybe even putting on a couple of washes of kids clothes? I mean, given that her DH is probably out of the house from at least 8 til 6, that's not a big ask is it? And that would solve all the laundry problems, which everyone seems to agree is the thing that would annoy them most.

I really think the OP is either depressed, or more unwell than she realises (in which case I'm not making light of these issues - depression is a serious thing and she deserves to get medical support) or she is barking mad!

[Bonnycat]

I do all the laundry in the evening whilst DH spends time with the DC-they are also 2 years apart and bloody hard work so its almost impossible to get anything else done.My youngest is constantly trying to kill himself by climbing onto then falling off the sofa etc so cant be trusted for a second really.

[nooka]

violet, I think the OP is quite capable of figuring out that the "obvious' solution is to do it herself, but she clearly feels she can't. That might be reasonable or not, but I am sure she doesn't need instructions in how to do the washing (although her dh might, lovely though he sounds).

I've always found the hard bit of washing is not the putting in, but the taking out, drying, sorting etc

[Desiderata]

You're being totally unreasonable.

Either get a grip on the housework yourself, or accept the jobs he does with good grace.

There are plenty of women out there with no husbands at all, so make the most of what you've got, and stop whinging.

[mrsruffallo]

Oi Desi
Did you get in the moldies?

[Desiderata]

I don't know, Mrs R. I never check my emails

Nope! And I wouldn't have joined if they wanted me to. As Groucho Marx once said, I would never join any club that wanted me as a member!

[mrsruffallo]

Good on you, I knew you wouldn't!!