Another housework-sharing dilemma - not sure if I'm BU, not sure what to do even if I'm not!

[houseworkhorror]

Background: DH is lovely - loves me, loves our DDs, hands-on Dad, been very supportive with some health problems I've had.

I'm a SAHM, and I've found it very hard to keep on top of the housework. My DDs are two years apart, and I've had rubbish pregnancies that have completely wiped me out, plus our babies don't seem to want to sleep. Now I have a toddler and a baby and I'm knackered all the time. DH works full time and is also knackered all the time. He does a big chunk of the housework, things like washing up, vacuuming and laundry. I know that he isn't thrilled about doing as much as he does, as I am home all day. I struggle to get much of anything done, but I do BF and take all of the night-time stuff with DD2 so that he can sleep and be refreshed to go to work.

So here's the dilemma - DH often doesn't do stuff the way that I'd like. He is a bit of a that'll do person, so our cups and spoons all have tannin stains on them. Quite often there are bits left on the bottoms of plates or the sides of saucepans. And (here's the killer) he'll put dark and pale things together in the wash. So our DDs beautiful clothes that are presents from family are ending up grey. He doesn't check pockets, and often sorts out my clothes from our bedroom, so often there are tissues in the wash, and a couple of my favourite things have ended up with white fluff bobbled into them.

Part of me thinks that a lot of men don't do anything and that I should be grateful. Part of me thinks that if I want DH to do housework then I can't consider it my area of life to be in charge of (if you see what I mean) and so I can't insist that it's done a certain way. Part of me thinks that there are far more important things in life like the fact that he loves me.

But part of me gets frustrated that when someone pops around unexpectedly that when DH was the last one to do the washing up then the cup that I'll give them is stained. Part of me is sad that our DDs lovely clothes are getting spoiled. Part of me is embarrassed that I have little enough nice clothing at the moment (my choice too - there's no point until I get some kind of figure back) and the stuff that I do have isn't being looked after so I end up a complete scruff-bag.

So, AIBU to want DH to do things differently? And if I'm not, what the Hell do I say to him that won't get him really grumpy and risk him not doing anything at all?

[violethill]

get it done even

[violethill]

Nope - I even manage to get clothes in the dryer, hang up the non-tumble dry stuff, sort and put away without it making huge demands on my time. As I work full time, and so does DH, we even manage to get it down outside of the hours 8 am - 6 pm.
Just really doesn't seem that big a deal!

[nooka]

violethill. Think about that 10 mins you say you spend. I would suspect that the majority of the time and effort (obviously very little in your case) comes with the clean clothes, not the dirty ones, as sorting and stuffing is a quicker and less arduous job than putting the wet clothes in the dryer, hanging up the clothes that don't go in the dryer, and once the clothes are dry sorting and folding and putting away. It's not rocket science to figure that out is it?

[lizziemun]

In answering to your question as to 'is it ever OK to criticise your DH/DP's housework?'. No i don't think so. My DH is realy bad at housework, but i'm pleased if he does any.

I know what it like to having a demanding baby. But i do think that you and your dh need to come up with a plan to stop these little niggles being blown out portion. Say for example to whites one day and colours the next and you sort out the clothes and put by washer for the next wash.

[violethill]

Oh I'm totally in agreement there princess! Which is why I do it as quick as possible, sort, stick on a load in the morning before going to work, take out, bung in another couple of loads after work.
You can get the laundry routine down to 10 minutes a day I reckon.

[PrincessButtercup]

Not rocket science but bl**dy boring. There are so many more interesting things to do in life!

[violethill]

'I've always found the hard bit of washing is not the putting in, but the taking out, drying, sorting etc '

Sorry but this made me ROFL and really should go down as a MN classic quote.

It's not rocket science ya know!

[VeryAnnieMary]

Re: laundry - could you mention to your DP that clothes last longer when washed in a certain way, and that this is therefore the most fiscally prudent way of doing it? perhaps he needs another reason other than simply that you like it done in a different way?

The colour-catcher sheets are ace, by the way, if your DP can be persuaded to use them.

I have a lovely, helpful DH too - I have to remember to let him develop his own methods of work and not to correct everything, but in the main he's very good.

Hope you get it sorted and sorry this thread got a bit overheated.

[blueshoes]

Actually houseworkhorror, another silver lining is that as your children get older, they will play together more. Your little one is only 2 months so it is far too early. But I remember that once my ds started crawling, he and dd were already having such fun together. Things really took off once he started walking. It gives you a breather and keeps them happily occupied, apart from stepping in to marshall every now and then.

There is a greater chance your dcs will play well together since the age gap is so small. Mine are 3 years' apart. In fact, their playing together is one of the happiest things of having children, from my POV.

[OhBling]

Mmm. I don't think you should have to keep your mouth shut. If the problem was that he was doing the washing but that you like to do whites on Mondays and colours on Tuesdays and he was doing it the other way round, then YABU and should shut up. But if he's destroying clothing or leaving washing up to be unhygenic (I'm not counting the tea stains, that's irrelevant and can be fixed with a weekly/monthly blitz), then you have every right to say something. There's no point him "helping" if he's actually just making it worse.

I do the bulk of the cooking in our house but that doesn't mean DP doesn't have the right to say that he doesn't like a particular meal or feels he'd like more of x,y or z.

[houseworkhorror]

Same problem with childproofing - it's a small rented house so we're very limited. The room in which I'd be drying washing isn't big enough for me to put a gate on the door and fit me, DD1 and the washing all in together!

It's true though - this will be a temporary problem and so better to keep my opinions to myself. And save the worrying about what will happen when we're both in work for another day!

[JustKeepSwimming]

Firstly - i haven't read all the thread so sorry if i repeat stuff.

I do the laundry in our house as DH would exactly as you've described
But i do get him to bring down the laundry baskets as they are heavy and i find it hard to lif them, esp over the edges of the stair gates/door gates. And esp when i've left it too long and they are full

He also totally stacks the dishwasher in a way that means things can't get clean, grr.

But he has tasks that are just his - the compost, the rubbish and so on.

Maybe just split things and make some things definitely yours, like the laundry/washing up. But take away other things you may find yourself doing that you don't bother so much about?

[rookiemater]

Sad person that I am was thinking about this overnight.

Presumably once the baby gets a bit older then OP will have less disturbed nights and will feel more able to do chores during the day, therefore as this is a temporary problem then perhaps its best to keep quiet.

[LucyEllensmummy]

I dont think it is ok to criticise, but it is ok to point out that he needs to make sure that the colours are separate, that isn't really a criticism, if he thinks it is, he is being over sensitive.

[blueshoes]

The younger one learns to fight back and eventually possibly even bully the older one. So the fights don't necessarily cease, but at least it is less likely that one will kill or maim the other.

[blueshoes]

houseworkhorror, to answer your question, criticise your dh's housework sparingly and as a last resort - keep it short and to the point. One or two simple improvements he can make, rather than a long-winded moan (not saying you would do this).

My preference is to see if I can 'manage' it first, hence the numerous suggestions on this thread.

I know you don't want more suggestions on how to run your house, but can you childproof your home more?

[houseworkhorror]

Thank you LEM - we can't get a dishwasher as we're in a small rented house. Things will probably get better when we buy a house (which will be bigger), and of course, our DDs will be older too and I'll be able to stop worrying quite so much about DD1 hurting DD2. I've noticed with friends' children that the younger one learns to fight back at a remarkably young age!

[houseworkhorror]

Because last thing at night the previous washing is still damp and filling up the drier (which almost fills the tiny room that it's in). To be honest, I think that it has become a bit of a race to get to the machine first. DH wins more often than me as he has more freedom to wander upstairs on a regular basis and check whether the previous washing is dry. I either have to leave DD1 on her own downstairs or take her with me (which is a huge PITA as she can open the doors up there are loves running around opening drawers and playing with all my stuff - she then doesn't want to come down, and with a bad back I have lost my ultimate sanction of just picking her up and carrying her wherever I want her). When I see DH doing the washing, I offer to take over, but he won't let me. I'm planning to get some whitening stuff and some colour catchers and rescue the stuff when I can get to do the washing myself.

I reckon that we could discuss the details of my house and it's running until we're all blue in the face, but the main question has become - is it ever OK to criticise your DH/DP's housework?

For my part - I have resolved to keep my mouth firmly shut for now and try to concentrate my mind on the things that he does do right (plus rescue the clothes as above). MN has spoken!

[LucyEllensmummy]

hosueworkhorror - please don't feel you need to justify yourself, i think many of the posters here have been very unfair. I really think you are expecting too much of yourself. Could you really not get a dishwasher? They are one of the best labour savind devices on the planet. I was actually thinking about you last night when i was hanging washing up - its fecking easy to load the washing machine, i do it when im feeling lazy and can't be arsed to do anything else and make myself feel less lazy, its actually the drying and sorting the washing that is the pain in the arse - i am assuming that you do this?

Honestly, i would start to care less about the house work and give YOURSELF some slack. Before we had a dishwasher we had tannin stains on our cups, now they are unheard of and i think they are a bit minging, but they are not really - its just a stain, its not dirt.

I do think your DH should help around the house more, but maybe it would give you more of a break if he were to take over some of the childcare? Do bed times and bath if you have back problems.

It WILL get easier - i would still have a word with your doc re PND though, your LO is still very young and you could be hormonal.

[BonsoirAnna]

Why don't you load the machine last thing at night instead?

[houseworkhorror]

Wow! This kicked off!

Just a couple of points to clarify - my DD1 does not sleep in the day at all. DD2 is still very little (2 months) and obviously naps in the day, but not as much as the average baby. Neither of mine have been great sleepers. So no nap time to get things done.

The problem with the washing isn't the loading of the machine. I can cope with that just fine. DH tends to load it in the morning when I'm feeding DD2 so no chance to stop him. It really doesn't help me for him to do the laundry - but I can't tell him that without insulting him.

The washing up thing is going to get better over time, as my ability to stand at the sink is improving as my back problems improve. I'm doing more and more of it now (couldn't do any when pregnant with lots of pain).

[bloss]

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