Another housework-sharing dilemma - not sure if I'm BU, not sure what to do even if I'm not!

[houseworkhorror]

Background: DH is lovely - loves me, loves our DDs, hands-on Dad, been very supportive with some health problems I've had.

I'm a SAHM, and I've found it very hard to keep on top of the housework. My DDs are two years apart, and I've had rubbish pregnancies that have completely wiped me out, plus our babies don't seem to want to sleep. Now I have a toddler and a baby and I'm knackered all the time. DH works full time and is also knackered all the time. He does a big chunk of the housework, things like washing up, vacuuming and laundry. I know that he isn't thrilled about doing as much as he does, as I am home all day. I struggle to get much of anything done, but I do BF and take all of the night-time stuff with DD2 so that he can sleep and be refreshed to go to work.

So here's the dilemma - DH often doesn't do stuff the way that I'd like. He is a bit of a that'll do person, so our cups and spoons all have tannin stains on them. Quite often there are bits left on the bottoms of plates or the sides of saucepans. And (here's the killer) he'll put dark and pale things together in the wash. So our DDs beautiful clothes that are presents from family are ending up grey. He doesn't check pockets, and often sorts out my clothes from our bedroom, so often there are tissues in the wash, and a couple of my favourite things have ended up with white fluff bobbled into them.

Part of me thinks that a lot of men don't do anything and that I should be grateful. Part of me thinks that if I want DH to do housework then I can't consider it my area of life to be in charge of (if you see what I mean) and so I can't insist that it's done a certain way. Part of me thinks that there are far more important things in life like the fact that he loves me.

But part of me gets frustrated that when someone pops around unexpectedly that when DH was the last one to do the washing up then the cup that I'll give them is stained. Part of me is sad that our DDs lovely clothes are getting spoiled. Part of me is embarrassed that I have little enough nice clothing at the moment (my choice too - there's no point until I get some kind of figure back) and the stuff that I do have isn't being looked after so I end up a complete scruff-bag.

So, AIBU to want DH to do things differently? And if I'm not, what the Hell do I say to him that won't get him really grumpy and risk him not doing anything at all?

[spicemonster]

It really isn't that hard to put on a load of laundry when there are kids running around - the rest of us manage it.

As far as the washing up is concerned, why don't you just put the mugs in the sink with a little bleach every couple of days.

I don't think you should say anything to your DH - I'd expect that to result in him resigning from the position of cleaner.

[naturalbornmum]

I think you might have to either except the way your DH does things or do them youself - which sound like you might find it hard at the moment.

I would get at our clothes being ruined and dishes etc not being washed properly although tea stains are'nt really a big deal - are they?

So if I were you I guess I'd try and take over the area that were really bothering me - prehaps your Dh would appreciate that too
!

[solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain]

Hang on, the OP has said she had difficult PGs and health issues, so what the rest of you (presumably) in *good health do is not exactly relevant to her situation.

[naturalbornmum]

I agree SOLID but while I do sympathize I don't think there is much OP can do. It does seem to be a case of turn a blind eye or do it yourself. From OP's post I am guessing that her DH will get annoyed if she trys to challenge him over these things and she may end with no choice but to do it herself.

[violethill]

True, but it's clearly nothing that prevents her being able to look after the kids and do housework herself when she wants to.
Many people have rubbish pregnancies, and being up half the night feeding is par for the course with babies.

In all honesty, the OP does come across as a bit feeble and whiney. Being at home all day, even with young children, enables you to get a lot more home stuff done than if you're actually at work like the OP's DH is. And yet he still seems to do most of the washing up and laundry.

I think she ought to count her blessings. (And maybe sort out the coloureds and the whites)

[naturalbornmum]

Just wanted to add that I am currently pregnant and have had health problems too! Some days I have not got the energy to do much at all and putting washing on becomes a big deal as does making dinnner, cleaning up etc. Some people are lucky and sail through pregnancy, babydom etc easily while some of us struggle. That is life we all cope differently.

[violethill]

Oh blimey here we go.....

the OP in no way suggests that her DH is deliberately doing housework badly. She acknowledges that he's a great husband and a great dad, he just doesn't wash up or do the laundry to her standards.

And now he deserves to be slated as 'passive aggressive'? ROFL.

And just a teensy hint here... maybe if the OP is upset about her clothes being ruined she could manage to... put her clothes in the washing machine all by herself???? Or is that too radical a thought?

[naturalbornmum]

Violet - I was'nt going to post in response to you but you come across as being very smug and not at all willing to give someone is clearly struggling a bit of slack and BTW doing housework while on MA is nothing like being at home long term and trying to mind DC and keep on top of everything.

[violethill]

I'm all for giving people a bit of slack naturalbornmum! I think that's exactly what the OP needs to give her DH!

Read the OP again. She says her DH is a great husband and a lovely hands-on father. He also works full time to support the family. In addition to this he does a lot of housework. The main problems seem to be stains on the crockery and clothes running in the wash. Both problems are solved EASILY. Laundry can be sorted and put in the washing machine in minutes!

I'm not remotely smug - I'm simply astounded that anyone can seriously think it's reasonable to criticise their partner in this way.

Oh and housework is housework whether you're at home for 6 months, 6 years, or whether you're home all day or working full time. So I don't understand how it is totally different when one is on ML!

[Kimi]

YABVVVVVVVU
Poor man has to work all day then come home and clean because you can not get on top of it, and then YOU have the cheek to moan he is not doing it how you want...

For crying out loud you have it made and you are still moaning!

[moondog]

It takes what?... five minutes to sort laundry into light and dark?

[LucyEllensmummy]

Sorry, but you are being unreasonable. I was about to post a thread that my DP does very little if not any housework. But i actually think thats fair enough - he leaves for work at 5.30 and often isnt home til 7. When he comes home, he looks after DD if im finishing dinner off, he puts her to bed which is a nightmare at the moment. He is a very hands on daddy and that is hard work. He actually commments himself that he feels he doesn't do enough housework but you know what - I actually think the labour in this house if fairly well spread out. We are not houseproud and our house is mostly a mess but life is too short to get wound up over these things.

OP i think you risk disheartening your DH who sounds absolutely amazing. If you have a problem with the washing up not being bright and shiny - get a dishwasher.

I would have a word about the washing, but just a friendly one - my DP has a very good sentence he uses if i criticise him -"if you don't like it - do it yourself" or words to that effect

[soapbox]

Instead of him doing the housework when he is at home, why don't you ask him to do the childcare (put in a positive way so that he gets to spend his time away from work with the children) while you get on and do some housework?

That way you are getting some time off of supervising the children. That way you can get to the washing up/laundry before he does and therefore avoid the issue.

Other than mat leave I have always WOTH, so DH and I have had to both get used to doing housework as well as child care when we are not working. A bit of juggling is sometimes necessary to get all of the things done that help to run a smooth house. As others have said, a load of washing takes a maximum of 2 mins to sort and load, so presuming your baby sleeps at least part of the day, this shouldn't be an impossible task?

[LucyEllensmummy]

I re read the OP. Had a think, and i think the OPs problem is that she is actually feeling frustrated with herself - so go easy on her guys. It might be that when the stuff isn't done "properly" she feels that it is down to her not feeling up to doing it? I think these things are pretty much easily remedied though.

Invest in a dishwasher (they are not that expensive really, but might be a space issue i suppose).

Get two laundry baskets, one for colours, one for whites - Bobs your uncle, fanny's your aunt. That way the issue of colours running can be tackled without any accusatory - "you keep putting colours in with the whites" conversations. Just go out and buy the baskets, it will make everyones life easier. My DP wouldn't even know how to use the washing machine bless him!

OP - why are you SO tired? Heavens above its knackering having two small children but do you think that your health issues are sorted? Might be worth a visit to your GP to get everything sorted. I hate to bring this up, but a few things you mentioned in your OP have rung some alarm bells for me - Could you be suffering from PND? even slightly? Being tired all the time and dispondent about the housework, not being able to get on top of it as you say - low self esteem, not feeling good about your clothes etc? I can relate to that having had quite severe PND myself. Just a thought that if you are so tired that you are struggling (but heavens i dont know how people manage with two children i really dont) to do what normally wouldnt be a problem for you, might suggest that your health still isnt 100%?

I think that people are being a little harsh here tbh. I agree that the OP is very lucky to have a helpful DH and she shoudlnt be looking a gift horse in the mouth, but actually, it can be a big deal keeping up with the housework - it did get on top of me in a big way for a while, and i only have one small DD.

[cory]

Has anyone mentioned rubbing with salt for getting tannin stains off crockery? I am a careless housewife myself and often leave cups of tea sitting around for hours, but salt gets them clean every time

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[violethill]

LEM - that's a thoughtful post.
Tiredness is normal with little ones, but it may be worth getting a medical check if this is really beyond 'normal'.

[blueshoes]

Houseworkhorror, agree with soapbox. After a day of childcare, housework is a welcome relief. Dh and I consider sheltered time to do chores considerably easier than childcare. Quite relaxing actually.

If the dcs are fullon during the day and don't nap, it is a good discipline to try and do some chores after they have gone to bed and before they wake up. But that depends on how knackered you are.

Dishwasher and sorting laundry baskets are a good idea.

Stacking and unstacking dishes as well as sorting laundry can be done with children around you. If the dishwasher is in the kitchen, my toddler might be happy to stand on a chair and watch proceedings. I don't know whether your baby is mobile but perhaps you could put the baby in a bouncy chair/highchair/play pen whilst you do it. Think of opportunities of how they can 'help' you - of course that is only a way to distract your toddler from terrorising your baby because it will take you longer to do things with them around.

Same for sorting laundry. You can as you sort ask your toddler who each item of clothing belongs to.

It is very tough now but will get better very soon. Once your toddler is 3, you can use free nursery places.

[PotPourri]

sound worn out. I agree with justneed some sleep. Try to come to an arrangement that you do the things that really matter to you. I have that thing about laundry, I can';t stand it not being done right. But I can see that you are aware that some men do nothing, so in a way you are lucky to have someone who shows willing. Jsut try to channel that willing into something less important to you. Hope you get something sorted chick

[deste]

What about sorting out the washing at bedtime when the children are in bed. One night whites, next coloured and the next night darks etc etc. All you or your husband has to do is take it and pop it in the machine. When you cook a meal, fill the sink or basin with really hot soapy water and when you finish with something pop it in. It keeps everything tidy and gives the pots and dishes a good soaking till you are ready to see to them. If you know people are coming check to see if you have clean cups, I think even you could do that. You have a very good husband be gratefull. It wont always be like this.