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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask mil if its ok if I leave DH at home

25 replies

bronze · 10/01/2009 08:44

(my first AIBU woo)

Its my birthday on monday. Yet again DH has done nothing. On the rare occasion he does its either useful (last year a freezer) or benefits him (tickets to a show).
When its his birthday it always seems to stretch the nearest weekend so he has excuses to lie in late and do what he wants.
MIL has given us some money so we can go to a nice place for dinner. He's left me with instructions to find a babysitter. I also know I'll be expected to phone and book a table.
Hes gone out this morning to play with his toys (he calls it a hobby) leaving the sink full of hair (shaved) and to be honest it was kind of the last straw.
Would I be unreasonable to phone my MIL and ask her if its alright if I take my friend (the one I would ask to babysit) with me to the restaurant and leave DH with the kids.
I get on with MIL so wouldn't be scared to ask but it is his mum so not sure she would think it was fair though shes a very reasonable person.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 10/01/2009 08:48

don't ask your MIL

take your friend and have a bloody good night out

if she asks, you can tell her why you did it

your DH sounds a bit inconsiderate

souperdahrlink · 10/01/2009 08:48

I understand why you want to but I wouldn't do it. Dragging his Mum into a disagreement between you two is not a good idea, and you would if you did that. You need another way of dealing with your dh.

LynetteScavo · 10/01/2009 08:49

YANBU

wingandprayer · 10/01/2009 08:55

completely understand why you would want to do that but would be inflammatory and resulting arguments certainly with DH maybe with MIL might ruin it for you. Also may be worth keeping MIL on side if this kicks off. Why not do something bit different with your freind - spa day? Lunch somewhere nice and shopping? Cinema for chick flick loads of sweets?

Libralovesbiscuits1975 · 10/01/2009 08:59

I'm stuck between rubyslippers view and souperdarhlink whilst I can see why you want to do it and part of me just thinks go for it if he can't be bothered HOWEVER I am not sure dragging your MIL, however much you get on, into your marriage problems is a good idea.

Original poster
bronze · 10/01/2009 09:02

I did forget to say that when his mum asked him if he had got me anything he told her he was getting me something saturday. He told me this to cover his back for when she asked rather than because he will be getting me anything oh well a sleep in would have been nice.

Can't afford to do anything if it wasn't with that money.
I've decided that I'm going to tell her I can't get a babysitter and we'll buy something nice to eat at home. I'll keep the rest towards my trip to visit my parents.
Instead I'm eating his packet of jaffa cakes.
DD who is two has cleaned the sink for me (shows he could have managed doesn't it) and I'm a bit calmer now (definitely recommend jaffa cakes for breakfast)

OP posts:
Libralovesbiscuits1975 · 10/01/2009 09:04

I am very heartened to learn that 2 year olds can clean sinks, I look forward to this development with DS.

I hope you do have a nice birthday, ignore your hubbie, is there a nice walk you can go on or meet your friend for a cuppa in town?

mummyhill · 10/01/2009 09:04

The way I look at it is this is your birthday money it is up to you what you do with it. Don't phone MIL and drag her into a disagreement though it always causes tension you don't need.

BouncingTurtle · 10/01/2009 09:06

'(my first AIBU woo)'

That just made me PMSL!!

Eww at shaving hair in sink!

Seriously though, you need to have a good talk with your DH, and tell him you are not happy with his attitude, he sounds rather selfish

Don't think it would be wise to bring MIL in tbh, not fair on her.

If you do go out, go with him to a place of your choosing - if you fancy a drink have one, and make it clear he is the one to remain sober to drive home/get up with the kids in the morning.

jenwa · 10/01/2009 09:24

I would just make sure that when his birthday comes up make sure you have something planned that involves no lye in or you go away without him

men are so insestivie
and so at him telling his mum he was getting you something sat and using you to confirm it! obviously knows he is in the wrong!

have a lovely birthday though.

cheshirekitty · 10/01/2009 09:29

Happy birthday.

Could you order a nice takeaway for your birthday dinner, bottle of wine and keep the rest of the money to buy yourself something nice?

Your mil sounds like a lovely woman, pity shes got a louse for a son.

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 09:31

FGS you are an adult.

Don't ask her.

Just go out with your friend!

Have a good birthday.

purepurple · 10/01/2009 09:35

tell MIL the baby sitter is fully booked. Send DH to the takeaway/ off licence and spend the money on a new pair of shoes!

cheshirekitty · 10/01/2009 09:37

Or a handbag.

LucyEllensmummy · 10/01/2009 09:42

YANBU but don't do it!! Its not fair to drag your MIL in and to be fair, she probaby thinks it would be nice for you to have some time together. No, you need to wrake him across the coals. What is his hobby that means he has to leave the house without cleaning the sink?

So, you suspect he wont have anything planned for your birthday (had to laugh at the freezer thing, my DP wanted to buy me a tumble dryer for xmas - because HE doesn't like clohtes drying all over the house! - he was told in no uncertain terms what would happen if he went down that road!). TELL him, that you are taking responsibility for it and book yourself a spa day or a day out with your friend.

Your MIL sounds lovely, It would be unfair to upset her over this - alternatively you could jokingly say to her - hey, why don't you come out with me instead DH is being such an arse that he doesn't deserve a nice meal.

Honestly though, don't let this fester and ruin your birthday - have it out with DH and tell him you expect to be spoilt this year.

aGalChangedHerName · 10/01/2009 09:48

Don't get anyhting nice for tea. Arrange for DH to have the dc's and go somewhere by yourself. Shopping? Spa thing? Beauty treatment?

I wouldn't be spending any money on my birthday if it meant beniffiting him. Sorry he sounds like an arse!!

Original poster
bronze · 10/01/2009 10:00

Oh my goodness everyone thinks I'm married to an arse

Hes alright really and I'm not just making excuses for him he just has these odd moments of twattishness which when spoken about to friends the reply tends to be 'he's male' and I was still mis strop when I posted.

I'm pregnant and knackered so to be honest staying at home isn't such a stress as long as he buys the food and cooks it which I'm sure he will do (and I'll keep the change). Especially as I've given him a piece of my mind. I'll also make sure he beomes my slave when he is around.
I'm currently ignoring the children anyway so I'm not much better than him

OP posts:
Original poster
bronze · 10/01/2009 10:01

*mid strop

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 10/01/2009 10:02

for some reason i read that as im currently ironing the children!!!

Original poster
bronze · 10/01/2009 10:03

ironing? me?
never and though pesky kids don't keep still long enough anyway

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/01/2009 10:10

A bit late on this thread but not sure it is any of MIL's business how you spend your birthday money.

It seems a pretty passive-aggressive way to draw her into a potential argument with your dh.

Do what you like, and keep it between you and him what you decide.

Original poster
bronze · 10/01/2009 10:13

Its not my present though pils have given me a separate present. The money was specifically for us to go out for a meal.
My Pils are lovely but I won't draw them into it even though I know they'll side with me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/01/2009 10:21

this is the trouble with giving a money gift and stipulating what it is to be used for

can cause no end of arguments, and often one partner ends up doing all the donkey-work to enable it

if I give money, I never tell somebody how they must spend it

Original poster
bronze · 10/01/2009 10:30

Maybe they shouldn't have bothered then. I think mil just wanted me to have a nice night off. I don't think the alternative was to give me more of a present.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 10/01/2009 12:33

Hope this wont be your last AIBU thread bronze!! I do this, i post minor frustrations about DP and then end up defending him

Im sure your DH is lovely - even if he does need to be reminded to be a bit more romantic!! I think you should go out for the meal with him and make sure you both have a lovely time - i'm quite envious actually - been ages since DP and i have had a meal out together, just us - make the most of it!!

Interestingly, i have had a similar thing happen to me lately - my mum gave my DD some money for xmas, she wanted her to buy boots - which of course, being 18 and away with the fairies, DD didn't. I got it in the neck from my mother! I had already told my mum, if you want DD to buy the boots, i suggest you hold some of the money back and buy them with her (i know what DD is like).

I don't think you can stipulate what people do with present money, but this was a lovely gesture by your ILs and i think you should enjoy it.

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