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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that there isn't a child rapist hiding round every corner

30 replies

Reallytired · 09/01/2009 19:37

Ofcourse tragedies like the murder of Sara Payne or Holly Wells or Jessica Jackson do happen. It is the fact that these terrible events are so rare that they make national news.

However I think many parents have the risk out of proportion. The chances of a child being murdered or sexually abused by someone they know is far higher than them being kidnapped, raped and murdered by a stranger.

Roads are far more dangerous, but if children aren't ever allowed to cross quiet roads on their own they will never learn.

I know someone who drives a secondary school aged child to school because she feels that eleven is too young to start being independent. Her eleven year old daughter is allowed less independence than my seven year old son. I would not allow my seven year old son to walk to school on his own, but has walked to the letter box on his own. (Ie. with me spying on him in secret)

I think she is emotionally stunting her daughter's growth.

OP posts:

SmallShips · 09/01/2009 19:40

I don't think i was allowed to walk to school on my own (with friends) till i was 11 or 12 and i'm certainly not emotionally stunted.

TheCrackFox · 09/01/2009 19:47

I remember going to post a letter by myself when I was 4. Was walking to school by myself at 6. Everyone at school did. There is a feeling of "safety in number". Even if you felt that your 5 year old was ready to play outside unsupervised you are unlikely to do so because it is deemed weird.

There is not a child rapist on every corner, but there are a lot of drivers with no common sense. Cars have completely eroded the freedom we enjoyed as DCs.

kickassangel · 09/01/2009 19:50

i actually have a problem with walking to school because of traffic.

my sister was really wary of letting her 2 wear swimming costumes in our garden (people could see through a hedge, but not a clear view) when they were 5 & 7. this was because we 'weren't that far from Soham' about 20 miles. so, ian huntley was locked up by then, but that would mean our quiet village, middle of the day, was a high risk area, with two adults supervising the children?

i laughed.

wouldn't go as far as saying it emotionally stunts them though.

chegirl · 09/01/2009 19:51

I agree with a lot you have to say except that in the last year I have become more frightened of letting my 15 yr old DS out of my sight.

We live in East London. It is so territorial. If you are in the wrong place at the wrong time........

I have tried extra hard NOT to wrap my kids in cotton wool because I have lost a child. I dont want their lives to be blighted by this any more than I can help.

I worry about them as they get older far more than worrying about pervs and the like.

choufleur · 09/01/2009 19:55

DS is only 2 so a bit early to go ut alone but I'm far more worried about traffic than rapists etc. I used to get the bus home at 7 (with other kids who lived on my street) alone and had to get two buses to secondary school.

I hope i will enable DS to learn to do things safely and play outside (hopefully with friends whose parents are paranoid about strangers either)

smudgethepuppydog · 09/01/2009 20:06

Jessica's name was Chapman not Jackson.

And yes, there is a whole generation of kids who are not allowed to have the same freedom as kids did a few years ago. The media would have us believe that there is a dangerous paedophile lurking around every corner an dthere isn't. A paedophile's best access to children lies in befriending a parent, the incidents of child abduction/murder have barely changed since the 1950s.

choufleur · 09/01/2009 21:34

obviously meant to say parent who AREN'T paranoid

Mimia · 09/01/2009 21:48

I wasn't allowed to go to school by myself until I was 12.

I don't see why judging a child to be too young to be independent is directly related to thinking that a child rapist is lurking around every corner. You haven't explained yourself well in your example, does your friend choose to drive her eleven year old to school because she thinks her DD is too young to be responsible for herself on all counts, or because she believes there is a rapist on every corner?

I actually think you are being abit judgy and you just want people to support you in your judgement and so you are sensationalising the reasons why your friend has made this parenting decision. Of course there isn't a rapist on every corner, but everyone knows that. It is such a subjective area of parenting that there isn't going to be a right answer, and you saying that you let your seven year old walk to the letterbox on his own is irrelevant as a measure. Your postbox could be 10 metres from your house for all we know, you could have watched him from the door. You could live in a quiet village or slap bang in the middle of a city. Your friend's DD could live 5 minutes walk from school or it could be a two bus journey.

noonki · 09/01/2009 21:49

I completely agree with you.

I think children are so sheltered these days and spend far too much time with adults as ajudicators.

They will grow up unable to deal with situations on their own.

I spent most of my childhood roaming our local area (from about aged 4 I was allowed out on the street, but not across the road) and from 9 I was allowed further afield.

It meant we learnt how to handle risk.

muggglewump · 09/01/2009 21:59

My 7 yr old walks to school with a friend.
She can go to the parks with friends (both about 3 minutes walk away) and can go to the shop herself, in fact I send her to the shop sometimes.
I don't worry a bad man will get her anymore than I worry an earthqauke will occurr on her bed.

I let my daughter live and grow in independence in an appropriate way, I think not to is unrealistic and holding kids back

Of course it depends on the area you live in but to not even try and let your kids go strikes me as weird.

OneLieIn · 09/01/2009 22:05

I kind of agree with you, but also don't. I am an adult now, but I can still remember very very very clearly being followed by a man in a car when I was 11. I was petrified.

The other thing to think about is that most sexual abuse happens to our lovely children with people they know. So, they are at most risk when in supposed safe places.

Sammyg81 · 09/01/2009 22:05

I think that you are totally right. We DO worry too much (not to say that we shouldn't of course as they are, after all, always going to be our 'babies'), but I also think it is mostly media led.

We do now hear alot more of what is happening all over the world let alone in the next city, which of course we never used to.

And I totally agree that we don't give our children any space to be children anymore. We complain that kids are growing up too fast, but I think, in general, we make them because we are a bit too over protective. Surely we can allow them space to play, etc.

My mil wouldn't allow my sil childrens to play past the end of the driveway (in a cul-de-sac of a nice area), for fear they could be snatched at any moment. But not only this, aren't we also scaring our children?? Yes they need to be aware, but do they really need it shoved down their throats at such a young age?

squeaver · 09/01/2009 22:08

YANBU.

mumeeee · 09/01/2009 22:12

I wouldn't let a 7 year old walk to school without an adult. Not because I think that there is a rapist on every corner. But because I don't think a 7 year old has enough trafic sense or is mature enough to do these things on their own.

Kbear · 09/01/2009 22:12

My problem is I live at no 70 and the local paedophile lives at No 43. He has been in court for possession of child porn TWICE and convicted but the judge thought it best that he be back in the community rather than serve a prison sentence.

I am firmly of the view that they're not hiding round every corner but it shits the life out of me that there is one living over the road.

evaangel · 09/01/2009 22:13

my dd was attacked in a lift by a man whilst on holiday, she is 14.(and just to point out she didn't know him)

tbh I gave her that independence for a while, now I have reigned that in

when that happens it makes you think of how lucky she is for getting away

pinkmagic1 · 09/01/2009 22:16

Totally agree that traffic is the biggest danger to our children. There are no more paedophiles and perverts than there was 30 years ago, just that there is a lot more scaremongering these days.

MillyR · 09/01/2009 22:23

YANBU.

Although I worry about drowning. My 10 year old is allowed to play in woods etc. but is not allowed to play in streams etc unless an adult is present.

I think it depends on where you live. I will let my dd walk to the shop when she turns 8, but I might view things differently if I lived in a city. I think people make judgements based on where they live, what their friends' children do, and their own upbringing. My son is lucky in that his friends are allowed to play out; there's no point letting a child play out if everyone else's is indoors.

OonaghBhuna · 09/01/2009 22:26

I was allowed to walk to and from school when I was 7-8.I would never allow my Dds to do this. Its ok to give children independance in other ways.
I escaped from a possible aatack. A boy from school dragged me into the bushes ( a lane that was isolated and surrounded by trees, no one else in sight) I will never know what his intentions were but I kicked him in the balls and ran for my life.I remember not being able to breathe and my legs were like jelly they didnt connect to my body. I couldnt talk when I got home.Even writing about it now brings it all back.
When I was an adolescent some of my friends were followed every day by the same man in a car or on his bike. Eventually with collaboration with the police they caught him, thank goodness.He had been giving them pornographic photos etc. It was awful. So I will always be wary.

Smine · 09/01/2009 22:56

I was followed home by a man when I was 8 years old. My mums friend realised what was happening and followed us both, a whole mile out of her way. God knows what would have happened if she hadn't.
I will still be letting my kids walk to and from school as soon as they start secondary school, but will be doing what a friend of mine has done with her kids. That is, she has sent/sending her kids to self defence classes, telling them that it's just another form of exercise. This way she feels she's helped them with confidence and that if they are attacked, they may automatically use it without knowing.

OonaghBhuna · 09/01/2009 23:10

Seld defense classes are a must no matter what age you are. I did this for my work and it is quite empowering and it does give confidence. A great idea for children.

muggglewump · 09/01/2009 23:58

"I wouldn't let a 7 year old walk to school without an adult. Not because I think that there is a rapist on every corner. But because I don't think a 7 year old has enough trafic sense or is mature enough to do these things on their own."

Any 7yr old?
My 7yr old really does have the road sense and maturity to cross the road, and to pop to the shop for bread/milk for me.

Perhaps it's where I live, as it's normal here to let kids walk to school/go to the shop alone at age 6-7 but I find it odd that 6-7 yr olds don't walk to school, or play out with their friends!

Ah well, the stream at the back of my house (30 feet away at most) will have defrosted for the summer so DD and her friends can paddle as much as they want!

Smine · 10/01/2009 00:02

I agree thats why I'll let them when it's secondary school (about 12yrs)

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/01/2009 00:11

6-7 year olds dont walk to school alone here, they are still in infants (Yr1/Yr2). Our schools policy is to only allow children in the last year to walk home without an adult.

cory · 11/01/2009 00:04

I suppose some adults do become overprotective, others don't. Have a friend who wouldn't let her two girls (10 and 8 at the time) play in the front garden unless their Dad was out there too; keeping an eye through the window wasn't enough to reassure her. But others let their 8-year-olds walk home from school alone. I do. Have also been known to send him to the COOP for me.

When I was 11 I was allowed to take a boat out on my own because the assumption was that I would be as good a judge of changes in the wind as an adult. And I probably was.

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