Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To be irritated by MIL. Long sorry.

22 replies

Wigglesworth · 09/01/2009 15:24

My MIL is generally nice but she really got on my tits a few times over xmas. Myself, DH and 5 month old DS went to stay with PIL for a few days (they live 2 hrs drive away), it was fine for the first day but then she started to be a pain in the arse.
Firstly DS gets tired and needs a nap after being awake for more than 2hrs at a time otherwise he gets really pissed off and is hard work to settle down. Everytime he was getting tired I would say oh he is getting a bit tired now he will need a nap shortly she would reply with "oh your not tired are you". Then if she was holding him and he was getting fed up cos he was tired I would say it's time for a nap and she would say oh he might not settle, I don't think he's tired. It really got my back up. One day I put DS down for a nap and he was really upset and wouldn't settle, in the end I brought him back downstairs and she said "oh I knew you wasn't tired my darling". {hmm}
She also made a couple of comments about the fact I did not breast feed DS, long story but I had an evil labour and delivery, my recovery was slow and DS couldn't get the hang of it, I tried but couldn't. She looked at his formula I brought with us and said " does he get enough nutrition and vitamins from that." He also had silent reflux for the first 3 months, it was hell. Myself and FIL and MIL were discussing this and FIL mentioned he had colic as a baby and she said to him " really were you bottle fed too?" {shocked}
I spoke to DH about this and he said he understood why I was miffed but we don't see them very often. He did remind his mum that DS is still only little and needs his rest. They see us once every 6 weeks roughly, so not that often I guess I can bite my tongue but I am starting to see her differently. AIBU?

OP posts:

moondog · 09/01/2009 15:29

A bit.

LiffeyOink · 09/01/2009 15:32

All middle-aged men were bottle fed weren't they.?

puddinghead · 09/01/2009 15:33

I can understand that you felt miffed - they just can't help sticking their two penn'orth in though, without thinking.

OhBling · 09/01/2009 15:34

Yes, I think you are a bit. especially on the tired thing. She's on HIS side and he thinks he's alert and perky? She's his grandmother, she doesn't want him sleeping, she wants him cuddling her.

Irritating, yes. But normal.

Sometimes, I find myself barely interacting with people's children because I'm terrified I'll say something like this and they get all snippy and think I'm being a know it all. When sometimes, it's just chat. As a mother, I think you get more sensitive.

Someone told me recently that the thing with being a mother is that from the first minute you feel you have to justify every choice you make and it makes you over precious and over sensitive. I think that's probably true.

piscesmoon · 09/01/2009 15:36

I think you are being a bit over sensitive-it all seems quite mild.

traceybath · 09/01/2009 15:40

yeap yabu - this is mild for mil annoyance.

but i know my mil annoys me for equally mild reasons

Original poster

Wigglesworth · 09/01/2009 15:52

It just seemed she was being a bit selfish and acting like he is there to entertain her, she isn't the one who has to try and settle him after she has wound him up to the point of breakdown. I did bite my tongue the whole time, my DH said he would be upset if I had told her to butt out as she would have been devastated and would have probably cried if she knew she had upset me. Surely if someone is nervous of offending people they would learn to zip it in the first place.
Sorry I also forgot to mention that she told my DH she was disappointed that I didn't breastfeed and that I could have tried for longer. What about the ignorant comments about my not BFing, AIBU to think it's none of her damn business?

OP posts:

Pheebe · 09/01/2009 16:14

Of course he's there to entertain her, she sees him once every 6 weeks or so and this was the special first christmas visit. YABU and ultrasensitive imo but I'll stop short of accusing you of PFB syndrome

On the rare occassion my MIL makes daft comments like the milk thing I generally look at her for a few moments too long as if I can't really believe what she's said, laugh and carry on with what I'm doing. After all I know I'm right so there's no reason to be rude about it

Guitargirl · 09/01/2009 19:10

I don't think YABU as I know how annoying this kind of stuff can be.

However, I also know (she says through gritted teeth) that this is probably just the start and for your own sake, I would develop coping mechanisms. He is only 5 months - you still have weaning to go, first time he eats chocolate, how often he eats sweets, how much tv he watches, your choice of childcare, first birthday, etc. and that's just year one-two! IME MILs have opinions on all of the above and let you know them whether you're interested or not.

It's going to be exhausting for you if every issue becomes a battleground. Fine tune your coping mechanism now. A nice bottle of wine after (or before?!) each visit?

All I have to do now is take my own advice...

prettybutterfly · 09/01/2009 19:15

Guitargirl has put it in a nutshell. This is the Beginning! Thicken the skin and think of two or three really good phrases which acknowledge her input as kindly meant (whether it is or not) and yet don't commit you to anything.

"That's really interesting. Is that what you did?"

"You're the third person who's said that to me recently. I hear it, but I just can't see it!"

"What a good idea! I'll bear it in mind."

etc, etc.

Then carry on as you were!

ForeverOptimistic · 09/01/2009 19:19

She sounds very insensitive, not very nice comments about the formula feeding.

prettybutterfly · 09/01/2009 19:20

Just ignorant, not vicious.

Don't make evrything a batle ... there will be no end to it. Rise, rise, rise above!

sachkrimbo · 09/01/2009 19:32

I don't know. My ds is 6 and i still get comments on how we did things when he was born. It got so bad we didn't see the PIL for over 18 months. I say put boundaries in place now, she does love him and wants to see him but you are the one who then has to deal with consequences i.e. not settling and being grumpy. Maybe try involving her in your ds routine so she can spend time with him doing his routine but he doesn't get disturbed.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 09/01/2009 19:39

A little sensitive on the sleeping stuff (though my own parents used to do this and I ended up scooping him up for a nap at times without talking about it. Just said 'nap time' very loudly!)

The breast feeding stuff is unreasonable however and would piss me off royally (as a fellow FF mum who had a horrible BF experience). I think your DH needs to back you up and tell her that her comments are not appreciated.

normansmum · 09/01/2009 19:44

wait until he's a toddler and getting over tired and over excited... and can only cope by trying to destroy the house and shouting loudly. Then they believe you about sleep and routine. Then they start shooing you out the door asap and find excuses not to have you all there too long>
Ah revenge is sweet.

wotulookinat · 09/01/2009 19:45

YANBU. I am extremely inlaw-unfriendly at the moment!!

jenwa · 09/01/2009 20:14

I can see how it is irritating. Other people always seem to know what is best for your child especiallly their grandparents
My MIL usually tells me when DD is tired yet when she is tired and I want to put her to bed they turn up and want to play and bring her toys
Also unreasonable re BF, its your choice and she should not question it, maybe you shold explain how upset you were that after a traumatic birth you tried to BF but it did not work and you thought it was best DS actaully got some feed (even if formula) rather than nothing
I hate it though when you do try to prove a point like putting them to bed and they wont sleep! Just prepare yourself next time and if she wont let him sleep then leave him with her for the rest of the day so she can deal with the strop whilst you and DH go off for a meal

weenawoo · 09/01/2009 20:32

I think a lot of us are feeling like this towards inlaws after Christmas - too many people wanting their way as far as the baby is concerned makes us all a little over sensitive. You have my sympathy!

ladymariner · 09/01/2009 20:49

I think everyone and esp mothrrs/mils are experts with other people's children.
For the sake of your sanity and family relationships learn to smile, look interested in what they say, make appropriate noises then carry on in the way you want to. xxx

jenwa · 09/01/2009 21:27

When my MIL started looking after DD1 she wanted a list of what to do and when dd1 needed things ie bottles nappy change sleep, I did a list and she did everything her own way anyway so like ladymariner said listen but do what you want!

JingleBonesJun · 09/01/2009 21:53

I know how anoying the nap thing can be so I think YANBU.

My MIL is exactly the same, 'but I want to play' everytime it is time for DD to sleep.

Sexonlegs · 09/01/2009 22:00

That would wind me up too, and with dd1 I found myself in a similar situation with mil sticking her oar in. We had words, as I am not one to put up with stuff, and things did improve. They admitted the other day that they did go ott with dd1 and are being less so with dd2 thank God.

Good luck with it all.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread