Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get upset when my mum criticises dh

28 replies

Pinkjenny · 09/01/2009 13:46

Dh is a bit of a workaholic, and works an hour and a half's commute away. He is relatively senior, and works quite long hours. He rarely sees 20mo dd during the week. This week he has had to make some quite senior people redundant, and therefore his working week has meant that he was away from home Monday night, came home at 9.30pm on Tuesday night, away at a black tie dinner on Wednesday night, and home at 6.30pm last night.

I was complaining to my mum (why oh why did I do this?) this morning saying that it had taken me until 9.25pm last night to get dd to sleep, and when I came downstairs, dh had not done the dishes or even tidied any of the toys away from yesterday. So I was a bit cross.

Mum has just phoned me and started to talk about it again. I actually think that she thinks dh is having an affair, she keeps on saying things like, 'I don't think he needs to work all those long hours, but obviously I can't prove that' and 'I can't understand why you weren't invited to that black tie dinner'. This kind of thing, she has also called him lazy, irresponsible and just spent the last twenty minutes telling me he expects too much of me, and she's worried about me, and he does nothing to help with dd, and she doesn't feel we're a parenting team. Then she goes on and on about how wonderful my dad was when I was little, how much he did, and even said 'I bet the bloke that lives next door comes in from work every night and rolls his sleeves up and helps with the kids'. How does she know?!

Dh doesn't do an awful lot, and to be honest, when he does it tends to be 'tidying up' (not cleaning, mind), it usually turns into him having a go at me and saying, 'What's this doing here?' blah blah blah.

Now my mum actually gave up work two days a week to look after dd while I work four days a week, so I have to understand that she is entitled to have an opinion, and I have probably opened my gob a bit too much about dh in the past.

But this conversation has really upset me. Dh can be a right pain in the backside, but I used to work at a similar level, and I do understand the pressures of his job. Don't get me wrong, it does annoy me, I'm not a martyr, but at the end of the day, he's my husband, and I don't like hearing her criticising him.

Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
GivePeasAChance · 09/01/2009 13:48

No. Big mistake to talk to your mum. Leave the necessary moans to friends / siblings/ mn.

mumblechum · 09/01/2009 13:48

I think you've absolutely got to stop criticising your dh to your mum. If you need to have a moan about him behind his back, do it with a trusted friend.

Your mum sounds a bit interfering, tbh, so don't give her any ammo.

AmIOdetteOrOdile · 09/01/2009 13:49

Tricky one - she probably thinks she's being supportive by playing you back what you've said to her.

If I were you I would just watch what I said around her.

And give your DH a kick up the bum!!! (although I know it's probably crap for him at work at the mo too)

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/01/2009 13:49

She is still very PFBish about me, I am an only child.

OP posts:
MadMarg · 09/01/2009 13:51

If this is what your mother is like, don't complain about your DH to her. It just doesn't work.

It's sad that you can't have a grizzle to your mum, but clearly you can't. Find a friend to grizzle to instead.

I'm the same, I can't grizzle to my mum. It's her job to be protective of her daughters, and she finds it hard to let go of these remembered criticisms when she is upset about something, so i just don't tell her these things.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/01/2009 13:53

You're so right MadMarg - it is starting to really affect her relationship with dh, and I just know she is slagging him off to other members of the family.

OP posts:
BlueSapphire77 · 09/01/2009 13:59

I don't grizzle at my mum i grizzle at HIS mum cos she brought him up... does that count

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/01/2009 14:00

Ha ha, I'm not sure. MIL has a completely rose tinted view of her perfect son.

OP posts:
Nekabu · 09/01/2009 14:01

I feel YABslightlyU to your dh. If he was only in two nights and one of those nights he didn't get in until 9.30pm, I feel it's a little unfair to complain about him not doing housework on the single night he was in. He was probably knackered! I do appreciate you're there looking after the dcs and house 24/7 and that you don't get any time off but it does sound as though your dh's job is very much nose-to-grindstone and stressful too.

And I agree with others ... sounds like you need to keep schtum around your mum!

BlueSapphire77 · 09/01/2009 14:03

YANBU in my humble opinion.. ok you gave her the ammo but still.

with my DP, i have a RIGHT to moan about him IMO.. i have to put up with him 24/7, but i get defensive if anyone else says anything about him .. strange i know, but he's my bloke so i do defend him even sometimes if they are right.

Its just what we do... So have a whinge at a trusted friend, your mum is biologically programmed to care about you and hate anyone who hurts you.. she doesn't mean it in a bad way..thank god you have a caring, if overbearing, mum .. xx

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/01/2009 14:03

I completely understand your point, but to be fair, I work four days a week too. And I wasn't really expecting him to do housework, just tidy the toys up and wash a pan and two bowls from dinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/01/2009 14:04

Blue - I know, I know. I hate that feeling of being 'piggy in the middle' of them.

OP posts:
Nekabu · 09/01/2009 14:17

Apologies, I completely missed your paragraph about working 4 days. Please ignore my other post completely! (well, apart from keeping schtum when it comes to your mum!)

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/01/2009 14:19

It's difficult as his absence means I lean on her, so she is also affected by the long hours he works, and will often come round and help me with bathtime etc.

OP posts:
twelveyeargap · 09/01/2009 14:44

Mums will almost always take "sides" and want to protect their children. I think I made this mistake with my mother and told her when DH and I were having problems. She now, as you know, doesn't speak to DH and I reckon she has a lot of pent up anger at him for whatever upsets he's ever caused me. Now I can't remember any of the things I would have moaned about, but I know she remembers every conversation word for word.

Remember too, that my DH works long hours, so we're in a fairly similar situation.

TBH, if I were you, I would let this one go. Remember to moan to us, not your mum about DH, but remember to praise him to the skies to your mother, every time he so much as excuses himself to fart. This will help to redress the balance.

WRT leaning on your mum. I think I've said this before. It's probably time now to lean on her a little less. Not so much that she feels unwanted, especially after the sacrifices she's made for you in giving up work, but the more she sees you coping alone, the happier she'll be to leave you and DH to your own devices.

And lastly; I don't know all the ins and outs of it, but in our household, there is very much a gender divide in the work. DH works very, very hard in the office to bring home the bacon. I cook it. (And do some other stuff too , but if DH is working til 9pm, then it is kind of "fair", if you'll forgive the loose use of the word, if you are too. By this I mean if you both get up at 7, it doesn't matter whether you're in the office for the next 14 hours, or splitting between home and office, but either way, you're still "working" the same hours, iyswim.

As you say yourself, you don't like hearing your DH being criticised, but if that's the case, don't criticise him to other people and expect them not to repeat it back to you.

Sorry if some of that is a little off-topic. I'm just thinking of the stuff you've said about this situation before.

moondog · 09/01/2009 14:46

Well, if his absences mean you lean on her and she has undergone a radical change in lifestyle, you can't in all honesty expect her not to have an opinion and express it.

Do you pay her?

twelveyeargap · 09/01/2009 14:49

Oh I meant to say, I would fall over with shock if DH washed up the pots after dinner. It kind of irritates me too, but you have to look at the bigger picture. It's not something I feel strongly enough about to cause a fuss, but you might feel differently of course.

Your DH may come into his own with being "hands on" as your DD gets older. This is appearing to be the case with mine anyway.

Don't forget to let him get more hands on. I know what you're like.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/01/2009 14:56

No, I don't pay her, and if you read my previous posts, I have actually said more than once that I don't expect her not to have an opinion.

TYG - you're very wise. You know me too well.

OP posts:
AprilMeadow · 09/01/2009 15:02

Pinky my love, you know that your mum is just looking out for you. I guess even if you dont moan to your mum she will still pick up on what you are feeling.

He does work long hours and i guess at the moment it causing those days to be longer than usual, BUT he is still jointly responsible for the upbringing of A and keeping the house together.

It is always hard to hear other people being critical about your other half, family members etc even if you have spent hours complaining yourself.

Dh gets cross at me when Meadow Towers isnt clean and tidy, and whilst it annoys me it is my 'job' given that i dont work. However, as you are both working you are both responsible, regardless of who has worked a longer day.

Is he making more of an effort to get home before A's bedtime? Are you talking to each other more?

I know this is a load of waffle mainly, but perhaps if your mum saw M doing a bit more of his fair share then she wouldnt need to moan. Is he bothered what she thinks? Would it make a difference if she told him how she felt?

Also i think because you are an only child it makes it worse as all her worry is directed at you rather than diluted between you and siblings.

xxxx

AprilMeadow · 09/01/2009 15:05

Not sure if any of that was helpful.......
think my brain has gone out to lunch

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/01/2009 15:08

Yes AM - you're right. And having witnessed it first hand, more qualified than most to have an opinion on this subject.

I think that she definitely picks up on me feeling tired and stressed, as I was this morning, as L had been such a nightmare to settle last night, and then I'd had to tidy up the living room before breakfast and do the dinner dishes before I left for work.

Dh thinks that I should stop leaning on her, but makes no effort to get home early, or finds himself unable to leave at a reasonable hour.

There has never been an awful lot of love lost between them to be honest, I think as TYG said, she remembers every bad word I ever say about him and then holds it against him forever. She idealises old boyfriends that I have had, when I know that she used to call them all fit to burn on occasion as well! And despite dh and I having been married for four years!

OP posts:
saucysusie · 09/01/2009 15:10

From experience mums are the last person to moan at about dh.

Similar situation as twelveyeargap. Laughing at her comment. You moan to mum about dh....then weeks later havin forgot the whole ordeal...mum reminds you again. They never forget.

I'm too protective of dh and I feel mum's should be supportive and give a listening ear without making too much comments. Often you just need an outlet...

DONT moan to mum about DH, use friends and nm....

AprilMeadow · 09/01/2009 15:16

Could you perhaps try and get some sort of rota going? Dh baths the kids and whilst he is doing that i will get the dinner on, tidy the playroom and get the milk/pj's ready. Could you perhaps try and get some thing like that going? Or ask him to come home before the bath&bed routine on certain nights and make it the same every week. That means that he then knows when he can work late, arrange late meetings, con calls etc. A would then get used to seeing him and perhaps start getting a little easier.

You could even take it in turns to the bath&bed so that its not always you doing the tidying.

Maybe you could start thinking of all the good/useful/ positive things that M does (even if it is only 1 ) and make sure you tell your mum, so that she starts hearing good things about him....

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/01/2009 15:19

Hmmm, it depends on the mood dd is in, and whether he's home. Some nights she will happily play in the bath while dh looks after her, other nights she just whines and whines for me and I end up going in there. I like the idea of him perhaps agreeing to come home at a reasonable hour one night a week. It would certainly help the relationship between dd and dh, which can be strained because she never sees him, and he's so desperate for her to be all over him (another of my mum's favourite topics, she constantly says, 'But if he wants dd to be like that, he'll have to put the hours in!'

Sometimes I just feel pulled in so many directions.

I'm allowing myself a slight martyr emoticon now.

OP posts:
AprilMeadow · 09/01/2009 15:38

I think its all about picking the battles you think you can win.
If you can get him to agree to coming home just one night a week for the bed routine then maybe he will realise what he is missing out on and will make it a more regular thing without you having to say anything.

I cant really give any mega helpful suggestions as i have been incredibly fortunate to have dh around every night and even at home during the days. But even seeing lots of of your dh can cause issues. When dh was working from home when J was small it was great but also a hinderance as i didnt need to adjust to being at home with a small baby, and as a result i find myself relying on him too much sometimes.