sorry.......long and a bit sad but don't know what to do.

[mangochutney]

I'm really confused and want to see if I am being reasonable as my emotions are all over the place right now. Two years ago I lost my sister who comitted suicide after many years of being depressed - We scattered my sisters ashes under a tree along a riverside walk she used to walk regularly with her daughter and placed a memorial bench there. As a family we have taken a while to recover from this loss and it was made much harder last year when my mum who was only in her early fifties and in good health, died in her sleep suddenly (cause of death has never been established)

We decided as a family it would be right that mum's ashes should be scattered at the same site and so that is what happened.

At this time I very much wanted to arrange for a memorial plaque to be added to the bench so the family can remember mum alongside my sister but my dad objected (he and mum were seperated although had both moved on and the relationship was extremely amicable between them).

At the time I couldn't face discussing it and so it was left, but as time has passed it has become more and more important to me to have a lasting memory of mum which will continue beyond the memories of immediate family. The rest of the family including her partner, granchildren and brother also want this but my Dad is saying this would somehow detract from him being able to remember just my sister and that I should be able to understand his feelings and that losing a daughter is very different and that we should be able to remember my mum without the need for a plaque.

I feel that if he felt this strongly he should not have agreed to mums ashes being scaterred there in the first place and also feel that my being happy should factor perhaps a bit more in his decision.

We are all so upset and perhaps over sensitive. I am scared that this could cause a huge divide/upset which I want to avoid at all costs but I feel maybe I should take a stand on this to respect mums memory and the wishes of other family members.

Am I being fair to be upset with him?

I am so sorry for your losses.

Could you have another bench for your mum as a compromise?

I can't help feeling that as they were speparated you became her next of kin and would have the final say on things like this.

Surely your dad does not really only want to remember your sister. Their marriage ended but they produced 3 DCs. Could you ask him to consider that losing a mother too soon isn't so very different to losing a child. If your pain can be alleviated at all then try to talk to him again. Who would be the best able to do this - you or your DB? Or another relative dear to all of you?

I had similarish problems when my mum died. It is very difficult and has potential to escalate which would not be good for you. What about planting a tree near the bench with a plaque under the tree? Would that work?

I'm sorry for your losses, you've all been through so much in such a short time.

Another bench would be the best compromise, but I think that your dad needs to recognise that while he lost a daughter, you lost both a sister and your mother. This isn't a competition and you don't want to interfere with his ability to grieve, but you also need something tangiable to go to.

You could also think about planting a tree in her memory or something similar.
x

I agree with NAB.

Another bench for your Mum would be good, or plant a tree beside your sister bench pehaps with a plaque at the foot of it?

Hope you can come to some sort of agreement. There is nothing marking the spot where my Mums ashes were scattered and I often wish we had something permanent to visit

Thanks for all your kind words. The idea of a tree is a nice one although I am not sure we would be allowed /if there is room as set into bushes by the footpath alongside the river - we had a bit of a battle getting agreement for the bench in the first place so whilst a small additional plaque or amendment to the existing one would probably be allowed, I doubt we'd get permission for anything else.

I really don't want to upset my dad as I know how unhappy he is - maybe I'll just whittle something discreetly into the tree and ask my children to put something more permanent when we are all not around to get upset about it.

Mango, I was going to suggest a tree also near to the bench. If you had a tree it would be like your mum looking over/after your sister and also your family when they came to sit on the bench.

Hope this makes sense.

don't think you are being unreasonable.

And whilst he was separated from your mum, he should respect the wishes of the rest of his family - who would, after all, not exist if he and your mum had not produced them iyswim. Also, your mum was the mother of his daughter who died and therefore he is honouring them both in putting a memorial for mum as well.

However, do appreciate that all this rationalising may be beyond him at the mo - and as you say you don't want to upset him.

Can you write him a letter with your sentiments expressed kindly and calmly so he can take it all in at his pace?

Mango, could you just plant something and not tell anyone?

My aunt died in 1962, at the age of 19, along with her full term but unborn baby.

Her grave is still unmarked, thanks to family bickering about who should pay for the headstone, can you believe. I am so deeply ashamed of my family for this .

It's hard to suggest a good solution, but I'd be inclined to wait a year or two and then act. Get your memorial to your mum but give your dad a bit more time to calm down.

Sorry for your losses.

As the bench was for your sister perhaps it it the fact that the plaque will be attached to the bench that is upsetting for your dad?

Could you perhaps create some other kind of memorial, either at the site or somewhere else important to your mum?

If your intention is to create something that other people who did not know her will be aware of then does it matter that this something be where the ashes are?

YANBU about your need for a memorial of some kind but it could always be somewhere else and still have as much impact/meaning.

Could you plant a rose bush or similar maybe one with your Mums name closeby ??

Hester thats an awful thing after all this time. I have been going through a similar thing with my H'S family, they removed the cross on my husbands grave and put a stone with 'loved by Mum, Brothers and Sister' there instead. My son found it with his Dads best friend and I was so livid

I'm so sorry you've had to cope with so much loss and sadness, and that your father is making things harder still.

Your sister and mother were irreversibly connected in life through being mother and child. I can't quite see your father's logic that having both plaques on the bench would prevent him from being able to grieve/remember his daughter independently of her mother, as clearly he was able to love her independently of her mother when they were both alive despite their close connection. I also think it's very unfair of him to suggest that his grief for his daughter is worse than that for your mother - he seems to be overlooking the fact that you have lost a mother AND a sister. Your sisters daughter has lost her mummy and grandma, your children have lost an aunty and grandma. It's not all about him, and he is likely to be the only person in the family who did not love them both.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, but YANBU!