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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit hurt that my mum isn't planning to come and see me when I give birth?

26 replies

babyignoramus · 07/01/2009 20:59

My mum and dad live about 50 miles away, i.e about just over an hour's drive. My mum drives, my dad doesn't, but she hates driving anywhere she's unfamiliar with. I've lived in this town now for 9 years and she's been here twice - once was for my wedding. My dads been down quite a few times - he just jumps on the train but my mum has never done it - TBH she hates going anywhere except when she goes to visit her sister in Scotland. I've even bought her a sat nav to try and make her more confident about driving further afield. When we went to see them at Christmas my sister jokingly said 'when Babyig has the baby are you actually going to go and visit her for once?' - she sort of shrugged and evaded the question.

I understand that she has a genuine issue about driving and the journey includes the horrible M25 but I'm feeling a bit hurt that she can't overcome this when it's such an important time. Especially when she could easily come for the day by train - she wouldn't need to drive at all!

AIBU to expect her to at least try?

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 07/01/2009 21:01

have you explained to her thats how you feel? I have an aunt who won't drive anywhere if it involves a motorway ?!? maybe she would benefit from some extra driving lessons to boost her confidence?

Frizbe · 07/01/2009 21:02

{{{hugs}}} I'm sure she will come and see you when baby arrives, have you tried talking to her about it since?

KingHerodNametaken · 07/01/2009 21:02

how old is she?

noonki · 07/01/2009 21:06

does she have an issue with trains as well?

June2009 · 07/01/2009 21:06

She might have just reacted to your sister's teasing, not to the actual question.
Maybe ask her yourself in your next phone conversation.
If she's a little bit old fashioned she would probably only answer that if you asked her directly.
I know my dad would not answer that question to someone else, only to me.

Original poster
babyignoramus · 07/01/2009 21:07

She's 53 - and I think she knows that I've found it upsetting over the years that she won't come to visit but she's not the sort of person you can discuss things with easily. EG. if I was concerned about her health she would just dismiss it and tell me not to be daft.

I don't think extra driving lessons would help - she's been driving for nearly 30 years and she's just a very nervous driver - and she's got a terrible sense of direction a morbid fear of getting lost which is not a good combination...!

OP posts:
Original poster
babyignoramus · 07/01/2009 21:08

Noonki - no issue with trains as such - she just sees anything out of the ordinary as a hassle. She and my dad haven't been on holiday in about 10 years because she just sees it as a burden.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 07/01/2009 21:11

is there a reason your dad can't drive? maybe he would learn, he sounds as if he likes coming down?

my mother was exactly the same, I can count on my hands the amount of times she was here since we moved in back in 2002

noonki · 07/01/2009 21:11

Does she go anywhere? even closer to home?

just a friend of mine is agrophobic but took years to admit it to anyone.

frumpygrumpy · 07/01/2009 21:12

Could it be she has issues she doesn't want to bother you with? Like a real fear? Depression? A phobia?

How important is it to you that she comes to you?

Original poster
babyignoramus · 07/01/2009 21:23

My dad will never learn to drive - he tried years ago but it was a disaster from what I hear!! I don't drive either so I understand.

I think my mum genuinely does have some sort of phobia about driving on motorways or on roads she unfamiliar with - which is why I'd happily put her up if she came on the train instead. TBH, it's not that important for her to come to me most of the time - I'm happy to go to her as DH drives, and that's whats happened for years. But immediately after the baby's born I'm not going to want to make that journey and it means she's not going to see her grandchild for weeks after he/she is born.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 07/01/2009 21:26

Y'know, lets presume she is agoraphobic........

As long as you have a good relationship otherwise and you are happy that she is not avoiding the journey because she secretly hates you, I don't think you have anything to worry about x.

noonki · 07/01/2009 21:28

in that case I would tell her now that you won't be able to come for a couple weeks

and that you will be upset if she doesn't come. And see if you can have a good convo about it now

then at least you not getting upset when the baby comes (and you are all over the place anyway!)

Original poster
babyignoramus · 07/01/2009 21:28

I'm just going to resign myself I think. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want to start a war in my hormonal state!

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 07/01/2009 21:34

Sweetheart, you don't have to start a war. Its a reasonable question to ask if she'll be coming. Could you directly invite her (by phone)? "Hi mum, I'd love you to see the baby as soon as he/she arrives. Do you think you can come? By train? I'm worried I won't get up to you for a few weeks."

Original poster
babyignoramus · 07/01/2009 21:38

Well, I'm going to discuss it with her so will see how I get on... she might make it yet!

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 07/01/2009 21:45

Fingers crossed for you x.

Nekabu · 07/01/2009 21:49

I have a relative who drives less and less now and the roads she'll go on have become fewer in number. She cannot bear to not see the road right out in front of her, so if she's driving down a hill she just can't take it. It's gone from being nervous and not liking it to now she literally has a panic attack (full on hysterics, shakes, etc.), even if someone else is driving. Sadly this means she isn't getting out and about much but she just can't get over it and it's definitely got worse as she's got older. It sounds as though your mum suffers from a similar problem.

It's not she doesn't want to visit you, it's that she can't face the journey and no doubt feels bad about it and is in denial as to the real reason and so won't really talk about it. She may also be poo-pooing the train a bit because she feels silly taking it as she has a car, can drive and doesn't want to admit (even to herself) that she's scared to do it. Maybe try selling the train to her as a really good idea - if she books in advance the tickets will be cheaper than petrol, it'd be far less hassle for them both to go on the train and have a walk around and a cup of tea than being stuck in the car all that time, you know, that sort of thing. Good luck!

mazzystartled · 07/01/2009 21:56

People are funny
You love her she loves you
Don't waste energy or brain-space being hurt
It sounds like a confidence issue rather than a can't-be-arsed issue [which would be hurtful], so I don't think its fair to emotionally blackmail her. Maybe get your dad on side and invite them down properly, suggesting they both come on the train together

naturalbornmum · 07/01/2009 22:28

YANBU as she can get the train.

On the issue of driving - I am the same and TBH it is not a case of just getting over it.

mrswoolf · 08/01/2009 04:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jacksmama · 08/01/2009 04:51

YANBU. Tell her to get the train. FFS, who wouldn't come to see her grandchild???
and for you.

lucysnowe · 08/01/2009 08:58

Is a hire car an option? They can be pricey but it would mean they might come up sooner. My DM and DF usually take this option since they are v. much like your parents babyig ? a mixture of growing infirmity and being v. stuck in their ways (a trip to Tesco is the most exciting thing they get up to these days). My parents didn?t come up and see DD till she was three weeks and so, and I was very sad not to have mum around for the birth ? like you I knew she wasn?t particularly mobile but I thought she would make a special effort.

MadMarg · 08/01/2009 08:59

It sounds as if your mother has more of a phobia than just driving on new roads. If your parents haven't been on holiday for 10 years because she's uncertain of new roads, etc, then it sounds like she has a fear of anything new and unknown, which would include catching a train to somewhere ne (a fear which has probably gotten worse as time goes on).

I think someone needs to pick her up and drive her to your place a few times for her to ecome used to your place as somewhere familiar, and then maybe accompany her on train trips to your place. She needs a lot of help and encouragement and understanding, if this is truly a fear, and not jokes and such.

tengreenbottles · 08/01/2009 16:58

Could your dh not go and pick them up after you have had the baby , i know its a hassle but it might make things easier in the long run.

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