in laws

[solanum]

AIBUto be concerned that my SIL has started takingon the role in herfamilyof"organising"family get togethers,which involve costly travel, inconvenient travel arrangements etc?The problem is that she has now stated thatshe thinks "the family"should get together for the nexttwo years, during summer, because of "significant" anniversaries,one of which happens to be her birthday.

Problem is, she is rolling in money, does not have employment( does notneed towork), her children are all over 10 years old now by the way.

In her family, her parents , especially her mother,are quite "distant" emotonallyfrom their off spring.Whilst they are of pensionable age, they are certainly not infirm or doddery. However my MIL seemed to take a conscious decision a few years ago to become even "colder".As a response, my SIL seems to have decided (and it has coincided withmy SIL stopping employment and coming into a lot of money too)to tell her family they need to meet up-- on herterms. THeothers involvedon theils sideof the family allagree and, obviously, they areallrelated. I am out on a limb.Also, money seems to be generally notan issueon the other side of the family.

My complaint is , apart from finding SIL detestable, (and some other of the other ils),that it is TOO EXPENSIVE.Why should we not be able to have our holiday, because we have to spend money ona "family reunion" that we do not want to be at anyway?

However, if I put my foot down and say enoughis enough, the cost is just too much, my children end up never seeing their cousins. Then when they do meet the cousins, the cousins, the cousins ignore them.Just like the SIl and co virtually ignore me.

My other half just does not state anything, and does not see that it is importnat to work out a way for our children to feel part of a family, but not at great expense , that is going to end up with our summer holiday being lost, as it will be spent with horrible SIL and co and use up all our holiday money, which is always difficult to fund anyway. Of course, I could justsay so what, forget about the il side of the family, but then ,is that fair on my children?

Last year, Autumn, we wasted a large sum of money due to SIL pressure. I just wish my DH would sort it out. I do not think it is my job to interfere too much in what is really his sibling issue( and it is not just about cost:the ils treat my DH differently to the others. I never know if it is because they think I am not good enoughfor their family, or because they think we should somehow pay for trips beyond our means and hence do not see them as much as they all see each other.

Personally,if it was just me, I would say farewell and that's that.However, I know that from my DH's point of view,it is his family.

Does anyoneelse havea horrible SIL or BIL who is insensitive regarding the different economic situations of family members?

Why does she have to organise? Can't you suggest alternatives that fit your budget?

Is this about the money or about how much you dislike your SIL?

The point is, no one HAS to organise: she has created this whole issue,partly because she has the time too. I am an IL -- why would I organsie ameeting to celebrate the birthday, or anniverasry ,of someone who I am not emotionally linked to? My point is,she suggests, her family say "great", she does not work and wants to create a meeting, and that's it.

She also has lots of spare dosh to spend-- soassumes we all have. she has created a difficulty which does not needtoexist, but by the rest of IL going along with in happily, I feel I am blamed if we do not join in.

And yes, the other ils do not mind it all. They love it. They can afford to go away to the West Indies and Europe and otherplace, and pay for SILs reunion.

The other ILS also have alwys kept in touch more anyway.

It's about:

1. I understand that we do not alllike our ILs but that for the sake of thefamily youvisit them, you do allthat.

2. THat yes,cost is abig issue when a situationis created that need not be created.

3. that a family can meet for one day in town /city rather than week or so in a foreign country, forced to live under the same roof, or even an expensive Center Parcs holiday, which is very expensive and isone of things that she sees as a "cheap" arrangement.

Part of the reason I do not Likemy SIl is becauseof her character,which ismanifestedin thistype of thing that I have outlines.

If I "liked" her, she would be of the inclination to be so thoughtless.

If my sister or sil arranged something that we could not afford to do (they are both much better off than us), I would have no problem in saying we could not make it or tweaking the plans so that we could.

Maybe stay somewhere cheaper or go for less time.

Alternatively, when it comes up in conversation about a trip abroad, make it clear then, that although it sounds wonderful, you just would not be able to go as you could not afford it. Nothing to be ashamed about.

It's up to your dh to tell his sister that you can't afford to go and you don't really want to spend your family holiday time with the whole extended family.
It's his family, he should be the one worrying not you

Just say no.

Why do you feel so strongly that your children have to have a relationship with such selfish, unfeeling people? Isn't that a bit hypocritical? Real families look out for each other and are considerate to each other - your sil is not doing this.

Smile, say 'sorry, we have other plans for this year, have a lovely time together' and spend time making friends with people who deserve your friendship.

They aren't mind readers - how will they know you can't afford it if you don't tell them, especially if you have gone to such reunions before?

Our ILs are talking about a similar mass trip to Center Parcs. It doesn't seem to have crossed their mind that DP has been out of work for several months, so it would be too costly for us. But we are quite happy to tell them if we can't go - it's an invitation, not a royal command.

Just tell them you would love to meet up (OK so you will be lying but if it is important for your children to have a relationship with their cousins then you will have to suck it up) but that the suggested plans are too expensive for you.

Suggest an alternative venue in this country that is in or near the same town as some of your family / close friends so you can stay with them and it is cheaper. Or suggest a cheaper venue or a shorter break so that you can still afford a family holiday.

But agree it would be better coming from your dh so sit him down and the 2 of you discuss it and come up with a plan you are both happy with to sell to sil. If you give her an alternative solution then you're not just raining on her parade are you?

If she is set on an expensive extravaganza abroad how about asking them to come to your home town for a long weekend, look into hotels for them all to stay in and arrange a series of family events over the weekend. Then they can't say you are not bothering - just that you genuinely can't afford it

I meant for that weekend to be held as a separate occasion to the holiday abroad that they will still go on anyway - wasn't clear in my last post!