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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think niece shouldn't need to ask for food everytime she visits?

26 replies

ilovetochat · 06/01/2009 16:07

I know that sounds awful and i don't begrudge any child food, what i mean is why don't her parents feed her?
dn is 8, when she comes to visit with her mom and dad (dp's db and dsil) she always asks for a sandwich or what's for dinner and if we say haven't you had any dinner she sometimes hasn't even had any breakfast.
they let her snack and eat take-aways every night. she has been here for an afternoon, arrived at 2 and asked for food, turned out she had got up late so they brought her round without breakfast or lunch.
obviously we feed her but she isn't used to proper food so doesn't like much and wants fizzy pop to drink which we don't have.
dp has said to his db that dn is hungry and he just says we are going to the chippy on the way home.
reading that back i sound like i'm just moaning and you will say iabu and should just feed her.

OP posts:
Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 06/01/2009 16:10

that is truly crappy parenting

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 06/01/2009 16:10

lucky you're around to feed her

nailpolish · 06/01/2009 16:11

i feel sorry for her
when she visits next time make a big pot of vegetable soup with her
introduce her to proper foods

12StoneNeedsToBe10 · 06/01/2009 16:13

what nailpolish said

MerryMadMarg · 06/01/2009 16:14

YANBU at all!!! That poor little girl. At least if you keep feeding her healthy food she will eventually learn what it is, otherwise she will have only ever tasted junk food.

Original poster
ilovetochat · 06/01/2009 16:14

also she asks for things and takes a bite or a sip and leaves the rest, i think she tries to hold off so she can eat more crap at home.
she will ask for a drink but mess it and leave the glass pretty much full. she has a bite of sandwich and says she doesn't like it or doesn't eat brown bread or doesn't like how we cook potatoes etc.
she is very overweight and already bullied at school, it makes me mad

OP posts:
nailpolish · 06/01/2009 16:16

if you get her involved in cooking the food, i bet she would eat mroe of it

TWINSETinapeartree · 06/01/2009 16:17

I am sure this is genuine but my dd takes great delight in being fed in other people's houses and saying that we have not fed her.

What you describe isnt awful if it is every now and again but clearly if it is a constant lifestyle that is very sad.

nappyaddict · 06/01/2009 16:18

DS hasn't eaten anything yet today. It was his choice not to eat breakfast. Then we went out for the morning and didn't get back until 2 when I intended to give him his lunch but he ended up falling asleep in the pushchair 5 minutes before we got home.

Do they offer DN breakfast and she refuses it or do they not bother even asking her if she wants anything? If she refuses it YABU. If they don't even ask her if she wants any breakfast YANBU.

karab · 06/01/2009 16:20

I had a friend who's child would do this every time they came to visit, if I opened the fridge to get milk out for coffee she would be right there saying 'those yoghurts/sausage rolls/grapes look nice, im soo hungry' to which my friends reply was always 'im sure Kara will let you have some if you ask nicely' how do you refuse a child asking for food? I dont begrudge a child food as a general rule but as you say, this came down to her parents laziness, and dependence on someone else to feed their children, I have my own family to feed without feeding everyone elses!!
I eventually broke away from this particular person, not sure how to deal with it as a relative!

Original poster
ilovetochat · 06/01/2009 16:21

i would like to see more of her and take her swimming, walking with us but she doesn't like any exercise, obviously never tried.
also, maybe i am just not used to 8 year oldsbut i find her very naughty, not a good word to use i know.
i took her on a walk with my dd to shops, she wanted to push dd but left her in the middle of the path and ran into a shop, lucky i was right there to grab the pram, she argues over everything and whined wanting things, wanting crap snacks, saying she was tired, in the end had to come back and couldn't get as far as the park. she answers back, very cheeky and misbehaved constantly. as i say i don't know if that is normal for an 8 year old?

OP posts:
karab · 06/01/2009 16:24

perhaps just offering fruit or other healthy snacks will determine if she is actually hungry or just scavenging for goodies, if she is actually hungry she should eat whatever she is given and be get some goodness at the same time

shinyshoes · 06/01/2009 16:25

ilovetochat it sounds like a very bad diet, that's why she's tired, I know if I eat crap, especially over christmas I felt very sluggish.

cheeky and misbehaving, perhaps she's trying to push the boundaries with you, or perhaps it's bad parenting on their part.

Her diet seriously needs looking at though.

karab · 06/01/2009 16:26

if her diet is as poor as you suggest then this will have a negative affect on her behaviour

piscesmoon · 06/01/2009 16:42

I think that all you can do is offer her healthy food when she is with you-on a take it or go hungry basis. There is no need to give in to fizzy drinks and biscuits etc-unfortunately there is nothing you can do about her parents.

MsG · 06/01/2009 18:06

Have you tried to discuss with her parents? I guess that could be really awkward though!
x

tootyflooty · 06/01/2009 18:20

her diet could be affecting her behaviour.It's a delicate situation to discuss it with her parents. Could she come for a sleep over one weekend and see how she manages on proper food when that is all that is available. Most kids (well, mine and many i know wouldn't dream of misbehaving in someones elses care,) so she may have other problems, her weight and lack of energy may be getting her down but she can't verbalize it. Maybe your dh could talk to his db about it.

Original poster
ilovetochat · 06/01/2009 20:40

they don't have real food in the house, they each have a bottle of fizzy pop to drink and order take-aways, massive amounts too. they let her stay up till all hours, we have come home at 11pm (pre dd days) and she has been still up after take=aways at 9pm. if you ask for a tea or coffee at their house they haven'y got it, just pop or beer. parents don't think there is anything wrong as it's what they eat. she is over tired and eating wrong foods at wrong times. i think her behaviour is also cos they spoil her and treat her like a baby as she is the youngest.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovetochat · 06/01/2009 20:44

she misbehaves everywhere, she was at her gps house today who are elderly and ill and was crying to get her own way. here if we ask her to stay downstairs as dd is sleeping she sneaks upstairs and opens dd's door, we can hear her on the monitor. if we ask her to take her shoes off as she has been in the garden she runs upstairs in her shoes. she goes behind the settee and won't come out. she pumps loudly and laughs. she spills her drinks everywhere.
i know there is a good kid in there somewhere but she is hard work and not a pleasure to be around and i find her hard to handle.
we took her to a pottery factory a few years ago, she was about 5. i told her she had to be good and hold my hand and then she could go on the park. she was good as gold all day and fed the ducks after and i praised her up and she loved it. BUT it took ages to get her to weara seatbelt as she never normally does. she sits on a booster but not strapped in normally. i said no way.
i think she doesn't really like me and dp much as we are strict in her eyes.

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 06/01/2009 20:49

sounds utterly dreadful....
I agree though, if I was you than I would only offer healthy food....at age 8 she will be able to decide if she is really hungry and take what you offer, or if she is just wants to be trying it on...

WallOfSilence · 06/01/2009 20:50

My two nephews does this too.

They are fed at home.

They do this for attention. We have all discussed it.... myself & my 4 sisters (one of which is the children in questions mum)

They will have breakfast, snacks, tea, snacks, dinner, snacks... they will snack all day.

Especially the youngest one, he's just a greedy little sod. Every time they come in my house he asks for pancakes. I say I haven't got any, 'scone then?' I say not sure if I have that either 'what about some cheese...surely you have some cheese?' He's six!!

They visited me last week (NYE) in the day time. They arroved after 1pm. They had had breakfast at home & my sister had also brought a whole bag of food with her for them!!!!! (She explains it by saying 'I know what they're like & they'll be looking fed before we go home!)

No-one begrudges children food, especially not when they're family & you love them dearly..but sometimes a child is just looking for attention when they ask for food all the time.

Original poster
ilovetochat · 06/01/2009 20:53

niece sort of remember s things and wants to do the same each time, like dp always has to play hide and seek and i always have to look at her dollshouses, so maybe cos we have fed her before she wants it every time now. although i think she is probably hungry when she hasn't been fed all day.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovetochat · 06/01/2009 20:54

is her behaviour normanl though?

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 06/01/2009 21:04

hmm....she is, possibly, lacking something at home, either attention or food or both...so, I suppose, in that respect her behaviour would be a normal reaction to that, iykwim....does that even make sense?

Desiderata · 06/01/2009 21:12

She's probably obsessed with food. I'm sure the parents feed her, but it's all crap.

My next door neighbour's boy is like this (also very overweight), and the acquisition of food is the driving force in his life.

It's very difficult to solve. I guess the habits are a bit too entrenched now.