To be cross that my mother has just got up (11:45 a.m.), and told me that ...

[clumsymum]

It was very upsetting laying and listening to me shout at ds before school this morning, and there must be a better way to get his behaviour back in line.

Since 9 o'clock I've done 2 loads of washing, dealt with some office work, cleaned up the kitchen, ok mumsnetted a bit too, and she's done ....... nothing.

clumsymum she sounds like my mum when she was welcome in our house (had a huge fall out and now barely speak).
She would come and stay pretending it was to see more of the gc's then would spend half the day in bed, get up make herself some breakfast and spend the rest of the day and night watching shite on sky (think repeats of millionnaire, deal or no deal and fact or fiction). Never played a game with them or did drawing or anything you expect from people 'desparate' to see their gc's

Life is better now she doesnt come to stay!

I can understand Gp's playing the 'I've already raised my kids card'....because it's true! However if you claim to want to see your GC then surely you should WANT to play with them/do activities. Equally, as a guest in someone's house (even if it is close family) I would feel rude by lying around in bed/leaving cups around etc. It's just bad manners; you get up/wash your dishes/ask if there is anything you can do to help. Unless you are properly ill or diavbled obviously.

This thread makes me realise how lucky I am with my mum and MIL. They both live 3/4 hours away, so we only see them every couple of months, but the main problem is stopping my mum trying to do EVERYTHING when she is here.

Oh bugger...

I've had a "word" with her about it.

She can't see it matters what time she gets up. She says she stays in bed to stay out of my way.

Apparently she doesn't make me a drink because once she made me some toast, when I was on the phone to a customer, and I complained afterwards cos it was cold.

Also she has looked after everybody all her life and it's our turn to look after her (it's 30 years since I left home, youngest daughter).

I am apparently a) takiong it out on her cos ds had to be yelled at this morning
and
b) just so used to grumbling at everyone I'm impossible to live with.

So now we can't speak to each other. A great evening ahead

oh now THAT sounds like my mil. "i did something for you once, and you weren't properly appreciative, so that's it, i will never do anything for you again because i can't risk that you might hurt my feelings in some way" grrrrrr

Oh holy sh*t.

She's been in & read my last posting while I was on school run (screen saver not switched on, ds must have been messing). She NEVER normally sets foot in my office.

So now she's ashamed of me.

We are now both so hurt. I would cry if ds wasn't here.

I don't know what to do now.

Why is she hurt - you haven't said she's an awful, mean person - just that she doesn't help you. Unless you have lied about her how can she be hurt????

This may well be the answer to your problems...now instead of biting your tongue you have spoken out and she knows how you feel.

because it is none of your business what time she gets up, and she's ashamed of me.

clumsymum, im sorry youre having a rough time now, but this is exactly how my mum behaves 'oh youve hurt me so much' blah blah.

Ive put up with it my whole life, but then I read on here about narcissistic (sp?) parenting and realised thats what I'd been dealing with.

Now i just ignore comments such as this as they are just made to make me feel guilty which I wont do anymore and then I just carry on. They now get less and less because she doesnt get the desired response (bit like a naughty child really)

Thanks mosschops.

I think part of the prob was she was a spoilt only child, and then had a pretty privileged time while we were growing up.

She did have to cope with my father's alcoholism later on, and my sis and I were both disabled at birth, so a tough time early on, but both pretty successful once our physical probs were understood.

I know she feels we both fail as daughters, don't run round after her enough

for some people how ever much you ran around after them it would never be enough. it's a bottomless pit. energy suckers!

and what was she doing nosing around in your office reading what;s on your computer screen anyway??

Some mums are atrocious. We were at mine's for Christmas and she actually complained about getting an 8:30 wake up call + cup of tea. I told her she was lucky I didn't let the kids go up to her at 5:00 when they wanted to and she shut her beak after that. Seriously mad.

OP your mum sounds like bloody hard work.

Mosschops - yours and mine sound a lot the same. My mum's like a 60 year old toddler, and a quite untruthfulone at that. An energy sucker, an underminer and a 'you've hurt me so badly'er. And now pretty much a 'not in my life anymorer'.

Echoes of my mother here. When she comes to stay she complains that ds1 wakes her up (and about countless other things that I do wrong) She is 'on holiday' apparently, so should get a lie-in (the fact that she is retired and could sleep late on the other 360 days of the year counts for nothing). She stays up until 2 in the morning watching tv very loudly (and it really carries in our house - too open plan). Expects to be waited on hand and foot too.

I decided enough was enough. Now when she comes down now she has to stay at a near (but not too near ) B&B. That way she can have all the sleep she wants, and 'proper' breakfast served to her when she wants it etc. She is coming at the end of the week and I am dreading it so much.

OP I hope your mother takes the comments on this thread on board and apologises.

Im glad to see no-one's flamed you on the thread. A few weeks back I posted something about my sil not ever helping out for sunday lunch (has been round ours for a year to ease tension as pils are divorcing) and got absolutely trashed by posters saying I shouldn't expect her to help just because she's a female, I gave up and stopped reading the thread in end.

If I am staying over at someone's place, relatives or friends alike I will definitely clear up after myslef, do their washing up for them and generally offer help with dinner etc, I think not offering is very rude.

I don't know if I'd have the courage to say anything to your mother's face but I'd definitely be judging/fuming inside.