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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated by the way my sister manages her finances?

26 replies

deaconblue · 06/01/2009 11:21

she often borrows money from me and mum and fair enough is on a lower income than me, BUT I'm finding it increasingly irritating that straight after pay day every month she has lots of new clothes, then wants to borrow at the end of the month. She's due a bonus at work which could bail her out of financial strife but my nephew told me yesterday "mummy says we're going to Australia on holiday with the bonus money".
Her money is of course her business if she's not depending on me to bail her out.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 06/01/2009 11:23

stop lending her money

she will then have to manage her affairs more sensibly

NCBirdy · 06/01/2009 11:23

Stop lending to her then. It is her affair, if you don't like it, don't be part of it.

You say she borrows, does she pay back? If she does then you are BVU.

KingHerodNametaken · 06/01/2009 11:24

Just say no - I'd be livid at the Australia bit.

TBH she's probably just got into a habit of doing it. Can you say you haven't got any money to spare?

Original poster
deaconblue · 06/01/2009 11:29

She knows we do have money to spare. It's often for things for her children or eg mum's birthday present and does pay back. Just find it a bit galling when she looks a million dollars in her new clothes, yet is always broke at the end of the month. DH is starting to get very annoyed as although we look at our money as joint he is the sole earner in our household.

OP posts:
sleeploony · 06/01/2009 11:29

I can undertstand being irrationally irked by things. But YABU it really is nothing to do with you as long as it is not causing you financial problems. I think it is great that she is taking her family to oz - I would given half the chance.

EldonAve · 06/01/2009 11:31

stop lending

beanieb · 06/01/2009 11:32

I can see why he would be pissed off. Maybe this month use the excuse that it's new year and you are broke and will be for a while.

I would be livid if my OH took money out of our account (savings) to give to a member of his family every month, regardless of whether we were going to get it back eventually!

Lemontart · 06/01/2009 11:34

I agree with the others. You are allowing her to use you as a prop to bail her out. If she can consider a holiday to Aus, then her finances cannot be that poor that she is incapable of planning ahead for family birthdays fgs. It is hardly a last minute shock - whole year to budget!
Not easy to do, but if you are kind, word it carefully and make a mega effort not to sound judgemental, she should get the hint without a family fall out. Don?t envy you having to put your foot down though - I am pants at confrontation!

NCBirdy · 06/01/2009 11:35

So she borrows at the end of the month but pays back at the beginning of the month?

In which case it is a cash flow thing, she can afford the things she is buying and she probably can afford her trip. It is simply that her spending and earning are out of synch?

Octothechildherder · 06/01/2009 11:37

I do this to my dh We have seperate bank accounts and I always run out of money - it drives him bonkers - he is happy to give me more but still drives him bonkers that I didn't ask for more int he first place!

I would tell her to srt it out - shes a big girl now and needs to take control. ((makes note of own advice)))

Original poster
deaconblue · 06/01/2009 11:38

sleeploony, how can it be nothing to do with me when she is borrowing money from me every month?
I find it really hard to keep my mouth shut as I can think of so many ways she could manage her money better (stop eating takeaways every Friday for example) but don't say anything because her response is always "it's ok for you, you have plenty of spare money"
Dh says to just say he won't let me lend her any more but then he looks stingy and I don't want him to look bad when he's a generous person really.

OP posts:
FunnyLittleFrog · 06/01/2009 11:38

Agree with ruby slippers - stop lending her money.

Are there other issues here? You say she looks 'a million dollars in her new clothes'. Touch of ?

Octothechildherder · 06/01/2009 11:40

She may have huge debts you don't know about - lots of people have secret credit - it will all soon come out ...

Original poster
deaconblue · 06/01/2009 11:40

yes is definitely cash flow, she doesn't plan or budget so if an unexpected bill comes in she's already spent all her wages. she's 33 btw not a teenager

OP posts:
Original poster
deaconblue · 06/01/2009 11:41

definitely I look crap as am alwaYS sleep deprived as have much younger kids

OP posts:
FunnyLittleFrog · 06/01/2009 12:01

Sympathies shoppingbagsundereyes - I have a size 8 stunner of a sister who always looks fab while I stagger about all muffin top and bleary eyed, covered in baby vom.

BonsoirAnna · 06/01/2009 12:05

Bloody hell, I wouldn't even dream of lending money my DP had earned to someone else. Grrrrr. You shouldn't do this.

Uriel · 06/01/2009 12:09

Could you just cut down the money you lend her (less and less each month) so you can wean her off it?

MerryMadMarg · 06/01/2009 13:22

Next time she asks to borrow money, tell her you're saving for a holiday so have no spare cash. You don't have to say when the holiday is, do you??!!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 06/01/2009 13:42

It does not make your dh look stingy if you say no.... she is asking (begging) from you each month you are the only one that will make her grow up. You are aiding this style of short term living and until you stop she has not reason too.

A simple sorry were short ourselves this month too should be enough, If she pushes she definitely needs a firm NO

duchesse · 06/01/2009 13:47

Absolutely stop lending her money! She is a grown woman and can run her own finances. "Borrowing" money from family to finance a better lifestyle than she can afford (and probably better than you can afford) is beyond crass. Of course you want your nephews and nieces to be well cared for, but you could ensure that by having them over for dinner regularly or by occasionally buying items of uniform or shoes, if your sister really can't manage on her salary. If she can, then stop the subsidy.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 07/01/2009 22:39

so bascically if she didn't ahve to pay you back one month she'd be on track and not have to borrow again?

by the way not suggesting you let her off, just pointing out that if she didn't borrow money she wold ahve the same amount of money and be ok.

Lend one more time but make it clear this is the las time and stick to it.

poetmum · 07/01/2009 23:53

I don't see how anyone could dream that you are being unreasonable. I understand that she is family, but, this seems like a habit.

You would be helping her tremendously by no longer lending money to her. If she knew it was no longer an option, she'd be encouraged to figure out another way...like proper budgeting.

If you are worried about how it appears, I would say something like, "I'm truly sorry, we just don't have it." Then blame it on something like "a new pension scheme came up at DH's work that you just couldn't afford not to be part of."

But, it's your money. You shouldn't have to make excuses. My DD (22) was borrowing all the time. DH finally put his foot down. It doesn't matter that we have it. We may have plans for it. Just because we have it and aren't using it doesn't mean somebody else ought to be.

But, I felt like I had to make an excuse anyway. So, the excuse I gave DD was an investment plan and my monthly "budget" being cut. She took it just fine.

nappyaddict · 08/01/2009 00:57

i agree with all those that say don't lend her money.

twentypence · 08/01/2009 01:04

If you don't lend it, it becomes none of your business. She'll just have to go overdrawn the first month and not buy anything the second month and she'll be fine.