AIBU to want to make my dd's 1st bday cake and for it to be the 1st set of bday candles she blows out/

[Rubysmom08]

Iknow this sounds pathetic but I am going to ask for advice anyway......

My dd is 1 in a couple of weeks and we are having a little bday party with family and her playgroup friends on her bday. I am not an over the top mom but I wanted to have a bash at making her a little cake for the party.

My fil's bday is a week before my dd and mil has organised a dinner which she has lightly said could be a double celebration for dd1's bday too. Then went on to talk about cakes etc. Iwas half listening as was trying to stop dd trying to lick the dogs toys but it struck me when I got home that she is intending to do cake and candles for my dd a week before my dd bday when I had already said I was doing the cake on her bday.

AIBU to not want my dd to have cake and candles a week before her bday so MIL can be the 1st to do? To cut a long story short this happened with xmas, me and DH decided that we were spending xmas as our little family and saw parents in the morning at respective houses but made lunch oursleves. A week before xmas again went to MIL for another relatives bday and ended up being a mock xmas party which she took loads of photos of and passed them off to people as dd 1st xmas!

It bothers me because she has had her kids and this is my time to do all the 1st's. I have had countless problems with her and to be honest I want to say just f*ck off but I love my Fil, he is so long suffering our company is like a reprieve!

I want some amo as I am going round this pm!

I understand why you may be peeved but it doesn't matter to your DD does it?

the more celebrations the better IMO

all of DS's grandparents wanted to buy him his first pair of shoes ...

it sounds like your DD's grandparents really want to be involved and that is a relationship worth nurturing IMO

no i dont think you're being unreasonable myself!, i would have been the same wether more on here say we're both mad o not...i would (and have) explain frankly but tactfully that you DO NOT want a cake for dd at the other party and will be very upset if there is one as shes your first and only dd and YOU want her actual birthday to be special and not celebrated a week before to make it tie in with someone elses..i warn you..they WILL take offence, but 5 years down the line(me!) if you dont stand up for what YOU as a family want now, everytime you dont want to do things their way YOU will look like the one being awkward as they seem like theyve come to expect YOU will ALWAYS make allowances for them!...best of luck!.x

You will still be able to make your cake etc. I also think its nice that GP's want to be involved.

I know Rubyslippers and I do nuture it, I love the way they love her and I make sure they see her twice a week- she spends tues afternoon with them and saturday morning so I am a fair dil, but sometimes I just feel they step over the mark and blur the mother/nan boundries.. I just want to savour thesemoments, even if my dd doesn't remember them I want to be abloe to recount them to her as she is so precious to me.

Your cake will be on her birthday and will be the 'real' one. I remember being very 'precious' about my DDs 1st birthday cake and stressing about making it myself (even though I'm not a baker). When she was 2, she got a large chocolate crispy cake. Since then, I have handed over the reins to other people (or the supermarket).

Hmm, I think YAB a bit U. There will be plenty more, bigger, issues to feel frustrated about as your lo grows. In the grand scheme of things, I can't see this as being particularly important IMO.

HSMM- making of the cake is a whole other issue!!!!!!! I am useless but want to try will have a shop bought one as a back up though!

Its not like she wants to make it , it will be from the shop so it's not like I am debating her fantastic baking skills, I think she is as useless as me!

Pink chick- I have had many issues during my dd's short life! At times I have felt utterly exhausted by her but I am getting better1 My dd was so wanted after 2 years of losses, she was almost like a miracle child as I had resigned myself to having kids, example of my mil humility the day my dd was born she posted on her facebook site that she was a 'nan at long last!'

Anyway ......

wasnt my dd's first birthday, but i had a 'friend' who had a ds 2 wks younger than my dd..everything i did or said she got in there first and did!..dd's birthday (3rd) she had no idea what to do for her ds and i excitedly told her what we had planned for dd, the theme, were, time, who etc...a week before her ds's birthday she gushed up to me telling me about this fab aprty shed organised and it was totally unique......................only it wasnt....it was EXACTLY what i had said we had planned (and already paid for) for dd!..trying not to cause a fuss although i was extremely mad, i tactfully asked her later if i could take her and her ds out for lunch the day before to celebrate, give him his presents as , as dd's party was planned to be same thing only 2 weeks later i wanted HERS to be the first timeshe did this and not think, oh it was like x's aprty the other day..she went off it!...said Ihad copied of her, i always did!!! and i wasnt the first person to do this kind of thing (thats right but no one we knew had, so it was different for us/dd)..she said some horrible things and after closing my gobsmacked mouth i just said goodbye x and havent seen or spoken to her since!..almost 3 years ago!...so it pays to be honest from the start and then people wont think 'your fine' with it..if you are close as a family, explain it nicer and say you do appreciate the gesture but its really important to you to do this..good luck!

aww.so theyre just hapy to ahve her then really??]..go for the nice approach but still let them know what YOU want

Pinkchick - sounds like you are better off out of that one!

Op, I think you are BU, right now it is a massive thing to you but, in about 2 years time when she first understands blowing out candles you will get to see her delight and share it with her, this will be forgotten - unless you decide to hang on to it! At 1yo she will probably not be able to blow them out properly anyway, she is more likely to lunge for the cake or the shiny bright thing on top of it!

IMO it is another one of those "choose yor battles" things. If you say no to this and next week something else comes up that is really important to you then you will end up looking like a controlling so and so. Meaning you come out looking like the bad guy.

Can I ask,

Who is coming to your DD'd real 1st birthday party, the one you are organising? Who is your Mum showing the xmas pics to?

Sorry, meant MIL not mum

well... my ds was 1 on Sunday he loved his cake and TBH couldn't have cared less about the candle! But he's #4 so the first birthday cake thing isn't so important to me as it was with #1

I was thinking you were being a bit unreasonable until I read about MIL passing off the photos as dd's first Christmas

I'd say to MIL that you're happy for it to be a joint celebration, but no need for a cake for dd as she's having that for her real birthday.

I'm sure dd will enjoy her cake(s!) whatever happens

millyr it's not my mom its my MIL- all her side of the family and has posted them online. That soesn't bother me really though...

For her bday party both sets of granparents, my sister and partner and sil and her partner (no kids yet from them), my dd's 4 friends from playgroup and thats it don't want it to be over whelming and we are going to soft play as didn't want to restrain her to a highchair.

Pinkchick they dolove her so much and being the 1st gc on both sides she is treasured but sometimes I just feel the lines of who does what are slightly blurred.

I know she won't remember a thing but it is important to me as her mother that I provide these things, as silly and selfish as it sounds, my mil got to do it so why shouldn't I! I am very precious about my dd and I know it more than anyone but I have always been fair I just think sometimes my mil should think before she opens her mouth and take my feelings into consideration over what she wants to do..

Plus I would be dumb not to see that there is a level of competition between my dd's grandparents which does annoy me!

Why don't you tactfully suggest that your DD could blow out the candles on your FIL cake instead, save her the trouble of getting 2 cakes. Is she coming to your DDs party?

I can understand you're peeved but your DD won't remember and you don't have to either. I would be more peeved if MIL was a fantastic cake baker and insisted on bringing a cake to your DDs actual birthday party but I think you could let this one go.

It seems like you have a lot of emotions concerning your DD and you may be misinterpreting your MIL's attempts to be involved.

i spent hours making a beautiful tractor cake for my DS 2nd birthday and all he remembers is the Sainsbury's Thomas the Tank Engine cake he took to nursery

She may have thought that she was saving some time and trouble for you.
Just tell her that you have arranged a party the following week - I take it that you have invited mil?

If fil has cake and candles your dd will have NO IDEA that they are for fil. She will just see cake and candles. Then she can have her own the following week.

If she wants to make a cake then say 'oh lovely, I am going to have a go at making a cake but if you do one as well then there will be plenty for everyone'. If you both bake a disaster then just stick some candles in and laugh about it.

Trust me , in a couple of years you will be saying in December 'now then dd wants a princess ballerina cake for her birthday, do you fancy having a go at one of those?'.

Perhaps a compromise would be to say that you don't want your dd to have a cake at her grandfather's party (for the reasons given above) but you'd like MIL to make her birthday cake for you.

I know that you want to bake the cake yourself, but as others have said, there are many more years for you to do this for her, and by giving your MIL something, you might avoid a big family row.

I hope it works out for you.

I think (but correct me if I'm assuming the wrong things) that your issue is not really just the cake, but that this is part of a situation of competing over who gets to do what for your daughter.

I have always been in a similar situation, although it is a bit easier as one set of grandparents is a long distance away. There is a constant dispute between my aunt and my mum as to who gets to do the big xmas event and they argue over my children, which is obviously madness as my kids have 7 great aunts so there is no reason why one in particular should expect to have them for xmas day.

My way of handling it is as follows (but wont work this year for you as you have already arranged your party), there is a 'family' event for my children of easter egg hunts, halloween parties, christmases, birthdays etc. My extended family argues between themselves over who is to host this as many of them want to. I don't host these ever.

Then there is what I consider to be the 'real' party, which at christmas means only me, ds, dd and dh on the day, and for every other event (birthday, halloween etc) means my children and their friends and I do not invite extended family as they want to do their own parties for my kids.

My children will refer to the stuff that goes on with grandma/aunts etc as their 'second christmas', third christmas and even one year their 'fifth christmas'. I think my kids do not mind at all having a fifth consecutive day of opening stockings and pulling crackers, or having 3 parties with 3 cakes, but I know they think of the 'real' party as being the one I organise, because they know I'm their Mum, even when my MIL has done a party first before my one on the actual birthday.

You need to find a solution you are happy with to mediate with your MIL and everyone else for the next 18 years, because I think things like this will come up over and over again. My method might not work for you, but I think it helps to find a way of distinguishing between your private family life and the extended family life.

So YANBU to feel the way you do, but you have to find a way of handling things that will suit you and make you happy.

It really, really doesn't matter as (I hate to say it) your DD won't remember any of this anyway, and when she is old enough to look back on the photos or whatever, she will just see that her gran and her mum made her cakes and think 'How lovely'. Seriously - don't sweat the small stuff!

I totally see your point. I made a big thing of dd first bday, because she is my first and i wanted to, God knows being a parent is hard and you have to do all the hard bits, so its not fair for someone to take all the fun out of the good bits! My mum was a bit like this, I know she was excited about her granddaughter, but she had to come with us to buy baby stuff before dd was born, she turned up at hosp when i was in labour and she kept going on about getting stuff for party bags for first bday. I felt the same - you have had yours, its my turn now! Saying that, she's just had another baby last night! So hopefully she may back off a bit! So no you are not being unreasonable, (well, maybe a bit, but that makes 2 of us! )