Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to be a bit hurt

21 replies

susia · 04/01/2009 21:09

Today I arranged to see my brother so that my dd could play with his two daughters. He invited us over at 11 and I suggested we eat at his and then go out for the day. (I didn't think he'd mind us eating at his as he is a chef and happy to cook).

I hadn't seen my SIL at Christmas as she had been away so expected to go round there and have lunch with them all and then we'd all go out. But when I got there, she was upstairs working and didn't even come down to thank me for my Christmas presents to her (and my brother)or the kids ones or say hello. I did pop in to say hello to her but don't think she would have come down if I hadn't. She didn't join us when we went out which I suppose was fair enough as she was busy but I do think it a bit odd that she wasn't even going to come and say hello.

OP posts:

randomcupsoftea · 04/01/2009 21:10

Somethings up

cluelessnchaos · 04/01/2009 21:16

maybe they had just had a row

SlartyBartFast · 04/01/2009 21:17

do you normally get on?

TheInnocentBystander · 04/01/2009 21:19

How was she when you said hello? Did you brother say anything about her being upstairs?

It is a bit odd but who knows, perhaps they'd had a row as someone else has said.

Ashantai · 04/01/2009 21:19

Ooh thats sounds like the tail end of a huge row!

Original poster

susia · 04/01/2009 21:20

she's been cool with me for years to be honest. I've no idea why, I've always been friendly to her but my brother and I have a long standing (since we were children) difficult relationship.

To be honest I do feel a bit resentful of a few issues which I've probably talked about before such as the fact that I am a single parent with very little help/support network etc and they have never once offered any help when I've needed it - such as when I was really ill a couple of years ago. I don't know why, I don't know what she feels but I have always been friendly towards her and things like this often happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

susia · 04/01/2009 21:22

no I don't think they'd had a row but don't know obviously. She has a lot to deal with at the moment as her Dad is in hospital. I've never really understood her.

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 04/01/2009 21:23

well she is probably worried about her dad then - that explains it

wannaBe · 04/01/2009 21:25

if this isn't the first time then I would just put it down to the fact you obviously don't have that close a relationship.

As for them not offering you help - if you don't have that kind of relationship it probably wouldn't even occur to them to do so.

My SIL doesn't like me and I don't think she would offer me help if I needed it.

Doodle2U · 04/01/2009 21:26

If she's chaising back and forwards to the hospital, she'll be trying to catch up.

Deffo sounds like there's underlying problems but the only way you'll ever find out is by asking either her or your brother.

oregonianabroad · 04/01/2009 21:26

What's her job? Maybe she was genuinely working and tries to maintain separation from home/ office?

TheInnocentBystander · 04/01/2009 21:27

It sounds quite typical of her then!

wannaBe · 04/01/2009 21:27

and vice versa - I probably wouldn't think to offer her/my bil help either not because I wouldn't want to but because I think they wouldn't want help from me.

If you and your brother have a difficult relationship then your sil is going to be on his side.

PrammieMammy · 04/01/2009 21:27

sounds like they maybe just had a fight.. was everything okay after that?

Original poster

susia · 04/01/2009 21:27

I don't think that does explain it though as there are so many things...she's just not friendly and hasn't been for a few years. Until I had my son we got on reasonably well although I do remember feeling hurt when she didn't invite me to her hen night (about 10 years ago!) she had been with my brother about 5 years then so knew her pretty well.

OP posts:

Original poster

susia · 04/01/2009 21:35

I am quite an independent person. I've never really needed or wanted help from anyone. But I found myself unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 35 and my partner vanished when he found out. I have brought up my DD alone since (she is 6). When I found out I was pregnant I moved towns to be near my parents and brothers.

I very rarely need or ask for help, I have a well paid job, nice house and love having a child. But there have been a few times that being a single parent is really hard. Socially, I hardly ever get to go out and meet anyone. Babysitters are really expensive etc and never once have they offered to have my DD overnight (despite me asking, offering to return the favour, my DD being the same age as theirs etc).

Last year I was ill with pneumonia, at the same time as my Dad so my Mum couldn't help. My doctor said I should be in hospital but I was too ill to even think about who could have my DD other than my brother. I asked by text and he ignored the question. My SIL works part time and they live by my DD's school, they didn't even offer to pick her up from school.

...these are some examples

OP posts:

wannaBe · 04/01/2009 21:36

if she's generally not that friendly towards you then tbh this isn't really out of the ordinary is it? If she's going through a hard time because of her dad then she may feel less like making an effort than usual.

tbh she sounds a bit like my SIL, and for me the realization also started to dawn when i wasn't invited on her hen weekend. Things happened after that which just confirmed that she doesn't like me, and tbh that's fine - it's her perogative I guess.

Your best bet is to concentrate on your own family, you and your ds.

Original poster

susia · 04/01/2009 21:37

wannabe, yes that's what I do. But it's important to me and my DD that she has contact with her cousins and uncles (and aunts).

OP posts:

onepieceofbrusselssprout · 04/01/2009 21:40

I am in a similar position to wannaBe, and agree with what she has said. My sil wouldn't dream of putting herself out for us - wouldn't think of it or see the need. In the same way, I know (from experience) that if I offer help/suggest get togethers she is not keen and feels uncomfortable about it.

She is quite a cold person.

I think the key for you (possibly) is to accept that at best you are going to have a fairly superficial relationship with your db and sil. That is the reality in a lot of families. It is I know. However I have found it best to not even entertain the idea that in our family certain relatives are not interested in us and don't want a deeper relationship.

SlartyBartFast · 04/01/2009 21:41

that's a shame, and unhelpful when you were ill, some people are just self centred...
have you offered to reciprocate or something?, the baby sitting..
perhaps you could suggest that you take it in turns to baby sit/ pick up from school, etc. etc.,.

onepieceofbrusselssprout · 04/01/2009 21:43

susia you sound lovely and I understand you wanting your dd to have a close relationship with aunts/uncles/cousins etc.

Sadly if the relatives concerned don't want that, then you have to try and accept it.

It sounds as if you are closer to some of your family (your parents?) so you may need to focus on your relationship with them and perhaps develop relationships with friends.

Tbh some of my relatives are very cold and distant, but I have step relatives and friends who are close because they want to be rather than out of duty.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread