Why is weight an issue??

[fordywastaylor]

I have posted stuff on here before regarding my MIL and SIL and things they say and do, some folk said that yes IWBU and get over it, in general I try to. Every now and again something "rears" its head which bothers me. Just like today - my SIL in conversation mentioned that when my DS (nearly 2) was staying the night at MIL (over Xmas period) that the next day they weighed him. I was a bit surprised, since my SIL had already asked how much DS weighed only a few days earlier that they needed to do that, since I had already provided them with the info. Now DS is by no means overweight/ neither have I ever been bothered by his weight. Infact I am not governed by his/mine or anyone elses weight at all. He eats balanced meals, and is not really a sweet eater, so i have no worries. I am not a calorie counter either, but that does NOT mean I am ignorant or unaware of the food concerns. I was just bothered that they did that without my knowing, I just don't want him to be weight stressed by my IL's all the time. DH saw my face when she said it, but as usual is lacking in any support for me when it comes to his family. Do I just need to put "this latest annoyance" to the back of my mind...yet again

Agree with sunnygirl1412 - I wouldn't get into weighing your sil's children as I don't see how that gets across the message that you don't like/agree with what she did. Presumably if she thought it was ok to weigh your child she won't think it an issue if you weigh hers.

Also agree the direct approach would be better than playing games. Next time you see them just say that you don't want them weighing your son again. You don't believe it is necessary or psychologically healthy to get into weighing children unless there is some reason for concern over their weight. Also say that if ds does need weighing then this something his parents should do. End of.

I'm not surprised you have problems with your in-laws - they sound very difficult. My in-laws are pretty annoying/weird too and it does take a while to get used to having to deal with a whole other family - you're used to your own family's weirdness!!!

The thing is, the primary concern here is your ds' welfare and their ocd/obsessiveness could be harmful to him so you do have a responsibility to deal with issues like this when they arise. Especially if his father won't.

My fil has a really unhealthy attitude to risk and eg if my ds (2.5) is running around he will tell him to stop in case he falls and hits his head (because this causes epileptic fits...). I challenge him directly on this sort of thing all the time because I don't want ds to grow up worried about hurting himself.

It's hard to stand up to fil sometimes but I remind myself that I owe it to my son and that it can be easier for me to do it than for my dh as I don't have all the family history to deal with.

When you stand up to your FIL, how does that impact upon your relationship with your husband? That is the problem for me, if I stand up to either of them I just have DH who i am certain won't back me up. He is just incapable of confrontation with anyone inc his own family. So that leaves me with the problem, I risk putting our relationship in jeopardy for the sake of putting my foot down at the IL's. In the car on the way home yesterday I told him their behaviour was unacceptable, he said they were just curious that was all(like I had the problem) - but I said that they had an unhealthy attitude to diet/food etc. he just won't back me up, end of. What I don't understand is that the issue had already been done and dusted when it came into conversation on Xmas day what his weight was, it was discussed and that was that, now a week later they weigh him - did they think I was lying???

Hmm - that's difficult if your dh can't see that they're a problem.

I am lucky that dh is fully aware what a nightmare his father is and agrees with me and would back me completely if needed. I just tend to do it as I don't have the baggage and fil is more likely to listen to me.

Your dh sounds like he hasn't woken up to how unhealthy his family's obsessions are. I guess just keep trying to talk with him about it.

It is really strange that they weighed him but I would try not to analyse it too much as their behaviour doesn't sound that rational!!!

fordy, your ILs were deeply unreasonable. It does sound like obsessive personality issues. I doubt even by confronting them you will change them. Like you say, it will sour things with your dh to force a confrontation.

Since he won't address the weight issues in his family, can you quietly limit contact with your ILs? I am sure the issues in their family must go beyond random weighings.

Fordy, if you feel you cant confront them for fear of it coming between your DH then you need to restrict contact even if this means you get less of a break

The first time my MIL had my DS for a weekend ( to help me while I was working and DH in the Falklands) she said she was going to let BIL take DS out. I did say OK so long as he wore a seatbelt/booster.. I later found out 5 kids had been crammed in the back. She NEVER had DS AGAIN

Personally I think you also ought to have a word with DH on backing you up. He needs to realise you and DS are his main concern

Thanks for everyones advice, importantly I realise I am right in the way I think and that loads of you have expressed the same way I have done by being shocked. There have been times when I think I was being unreasonable with them and didn't give them a chance! On the whole they have made my baby experience horrible, so much so I won't be having anymore!! Never mind, life goes on and the 3 of us are a mini team and I am happy with my DS (and DH most of the time...ha ha) My first reaction to deal with it all was to restrict his visits, so I think that maybe the way I will still play this. If I ever get the chance and manage to be quick witted about it all, I will say something when the time is right, and I don't look narked about it all. I need to make sure he grows up in a well adjusted home, which doesn't mean popping on the scales every other day - I think its alot tougher being a kid today than when I was years ago, there are so many more influences and issues to do more harm than good. God knows he doesn't need his GM nurturing and forcing her own ways on him. x

I don't agree with sunnygirl - I think a phone call like that will be cause a humungous row. Which you don't want.

But next time he goes to stay you could ask them not to weigh him or measure him again as you think it's really not appropriate and you don't want him to grow up with issues around weight.

Firm, but no ultimatums - that's my advice.

(confidentially, I'm not good at this kind of thing when it's happening to me ... but I know I give very good advice about it!)