To give DP a "wake up" slap? (long sorry)

[Siriusmewsaysboohoodrwho]

We are moving house this month as we cannot afford the rent on our present property. I'm not too concerned about this as have seen some lovely houses and am quite looking forward to a new start. DP has the idea of moving to France. He's always had this dream and I think it's a good idea. He says we need to move in about 9 months to tie in with DS1 starting school and other random DP reasons. Things have been very very tough for DP busines wise recently and looking at French properties has been keeping him going and give him a lift. We are storing his parents furniture and stuff as they are touring abroad and plan to join us in France in the idyllic country paradise we are getting . Now DP is putting all his parents stuff into secure storage as we will only be renting a 2/3 bed instead of the 4 we have currently. All this sounds great beside the fact that we are skint!!! They is no way on earth we can afford to move to France in 9 months if we don't know if we can feed ourselves for the next 2?! So should I give him a slap and a reality check or should I let him carry on with his dream? Sorry this has been so long but it's been eating me up inside for weeks!

Let him carry on dreaming whilst you deal with the reality of day to day life. Make sure you enrol you son in a UK school. If you move to France someone else can have his space.

Ok no slap then. But it is getting very hair pullingly frustrating.

Slap him right across the choppers.

It's not fair you having to deal with the reality and stress of day to day life alone whilst he's away with the fairies. Does he realize just how bad things are for you right now? Or do you think he see's France as an escape from your problems now, hence his enthusiasm for it?

Look into it very carefully.

Friends moved there 18 months ago and are struggling financially, as their French isn't too hot, so they are very very limited in the work they can do.

In her words - "The French seem to live on very little" - it's not always the idyll people think.

Do you have skills you can offer? Is your spoken/written French shit-hot?

I think it is escapism in a way. He feels like he has let us all down and is looking for that perfect life. I explained that its not his fault we're going through a rough patch right now and that as long as we stay strong we'll be ok. He's such a bloody Eeyore though. I also haven't mentioned the £1000 he gave to his parents which put us in hock with the rent people in the first place so I've been pretty restrained!!!

My french is very good so i'm not too worried about that and DP works all over the place already so there won't be a problem of work. It's just the finance ,the upheavel and everything that goes with it. I've looked long and hard at every facet and am ok with the move but in a year maybe two. Just think we should get ourselves out of this present predicament before doing anything foolish.

Has he really looked into the practicalities of moving to France? Because his dream might not live up to reality. I spent several years there and spoke fluent French before going AND had a job to go to. Even with those things life as an "ex-pat" isn't always easy, there is a lot of frustrating red tape in France and the cost of living really isn't that cheap. I would have him look into it - properly - and not just dream about it. Maybe that will wake him up.

You are right that you will need a hefty bank balance to cope with the move, first months settling in and adjusting.

In the current economic climate, at least one of you having a job in place before you go would be wiser.

If you do eventually agree to move, it doesn't matter if your DS starts school in the UK and then changes in a couple of years time. Most children of that age soon pick up the French.

Dp has his own business and works all over the world with contracts for most of this year. He wants to run a gite business alongside as well which sounds good in theory but in practise could be a nightmare. I feel quite bad and disloyal posting these thoughts but I know it's not going to happen. DP is a lot older than me so doesn't always agree with my arguements as he has more "life experience"

Life experience counts for nothing if you have no common sense to go with it.

I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that you're no longer going to consider moving until he can present to you proof that you are financially able and more to fund this move, allowing for any emergencies that may require money.

Moving to another country with an almost empty bank account is just madness.

OOHH! Feeling really nervous now!! Know this conversation has been coming but know it will be awful!!! It just really upsets me looking at his face whilst he is lokking at the websites and magazines. It's the hope. He actually cried when he found the perfect one the other day.

Too many gites available in most areas.

Looking in the Charentes area. I feel sooooooo bad now. I'm going to have to shatter his dream.

Why do so many people hAVE THIS fRENCH DREAM?
iT'S SHITE in France (and i have lived there, speak French and have sister married to one with loads of kids).

I really have no idea why he chose France. Bless him.

Sorry, meant to say the tourism market is getting saturated in many areas but RL got in the way.

Moondog, in my experience France isn't that bad but many people fall into trap of thinking it is all sipping wine in the sun.

The only French people I knew/know who sip wine in the sun are old alcoholics.
Such a falacy that they loll about on geranium scented terraces quaffing Chablis.

From my recollection if there was any drink at all it was unspeakable aperos in new builds in the middle of Christ knows where.

So how should I break the news to him in a way that won't completly smash his heart?

Sirius, you don't have to rule it out completely. You yourself said it is a good idea. You just need to convince him to take it slowly and make sure the financial base is there.

Perhaps it would help if the reality check comes from elsewhere. There is loads in the media at the mo about British people struggling in France, especially those who have a salary in sterling or who depend on tourism from British people (weak pound). I have read articles in the French press and heard on French radio about British people having difficulties.

Also French banks very unforgiving when you go overdrawn.

Good luck!

Moondog, you are right about that. But I didn't mean to imply that's what the French do. It's just what other nationalities do when they are on holiday here and some people imagine that life here is the same all the time.

Could you approach it from another angle, with more of a darling lets work out how we are going to do this in practice type line? Just that you don't want to be seen as the negative one in these situations (my dh gets very upset with me in these conversations if I seem negative about something he really wants to do). So if he has said 9 months, work out what needs to be done, what it will cost etc? If you move in a year or two rather than 9 months it won't be effort wasted. So look at rental costs, childcare, food etc in the area he is interested in, and compare them with UK costs. You have to survive through the next few months regardless of your future decision, so no reason not to do this exercise alongside planning for the near future. I t also might make economising now easier for your dh if he feels there is an exciting plan ahead.