to be upset not to be invited to my best friend's husband's birthday.

[fruitstick]

Ok so there are underlying issues here but I need to get them off my chest.

My best friend's husband has a milestone birthday this week and my best friend has booked a weekend away with 10 of their friends - but not invited us. In her defence, all the men are a close group of friends from years ago but we know them all very well and have been away for the weekend with some of the couples independently iyswim.

I'm upset because they would be the first people DH and I would want to celebrate a special occasion with and used to go away with them all the time before we had children (they don't have any). Now I feel very much consigned to the B list.

I think my resentment goes a lot deeper than that as I've felt increasingly abandoned over the past few years. They are good friends and will babysit for us when we ask but I always feel that we need them far more than they need us. And our lifestyles are very different now we are forced to stay at home all the time and have no money!

We invite them round all the time for dinner but we never get invited by them, not even for lunch (although they spend their entire weekends having dinner parties and sunday lunches). I often ask her if she wants to meet in the evening for a quiet drink but she always has plans (presumably with people worth making plans with) or is too tired!

Sometimes I feel like I bore the hell out of her with toddler talk and other times I feel her only interest in me is as some kind of case study she can learn from when she finally has children so she can do it all so much better.

I realise I'm ranting now, probably unfairly, but does anyone else have this problem. Do I need new friends?

Yup - you need new friends. Sounds like a one sided friendship. She sounds horrid using you as a case study of how she'll do better when she has kids.

YABU - You cant expect an invite. They are going away with old friends.

It would have been nice if she had discussed it with you. It sounds as if your lives have taken different paths but you sound quite resentful about that. She may know this.

That might just be me being paranoid , I've never actually seen her taking notes.

I am having this problem with my best friend at the moment. Apart from the weekend away, all the other things you mention are things which I've experienced with her on a regular basis.

I don't invite her over anymore, and will wait until she wants to make plans with me.

She is such a lovely lady, and I cannot believe we are drifting apart

YANBU to feel disappointed, hurt and sidelined.

Agree you do need new friends. She is not your best friend. Move on and new opportunities will arise.

fruitstick I've had a similar experience with a friend a few years ago. We were inseparable when the kids were toddlers and she always commented on what great friends we were, yet for no apparent reason started "dropping" me and DH and was always too ill/busy/tired to go out in the evening, yet could manage to drag herself out with her new friends. Her and her DH started missing us out of outings/dinner parties yet she'd make sure I knew we'd been missed out by telling me all about it afterwards!! In the end I just decided to let go as I began to think she was very insecure in that she constantly needed to be part of a big group that did everything together and then just come and brag to me about her exciting new friends. I realised she didn't treat me like a friend, more as a person to use in order to make herself feel more important, and when I saw her like that I thought I was worth more than that and didn't want to continue to be used. So now we see each other say once every 2/3 months for a coffee, she brags about all her wonderful new friends and I just smile to myself as I know she can't hurt me any more. The irony is she still maintains we're best friends and she'd do anything for me but I have learnt to ignore comments like that!!

It sounds like your friend suffers from the same grass is always greener thing and whilst she probably wants to remain friends maybe she makes assumptions about what you would want to do now you have a child?

Maybe you could just see her as someone you'd like to stay friends with but not rely on as clearly she feels things are changed by the fact you have a child?

I would be hurt too, do you think they didnt invite you because they thought you might have childcare issues?

Everything changes when you have children doesn't it

sorry but just because they are the first people you think of to invite/spend time wither, it seems they don't feel the same way about you.

No, had nothing to do with childcare. I would understand if they wanted a child free weekend but one of the other couples (who we have become good friends with) have a DD the same age as mine and they are taking her.

yabu to be upset about the birthday trip. it's her husband's birthday, and his guestlist.

do you need new friends? well yes, probably, but you also need to accept that your friendship will change and that the childless friends of yours will need to fill the gap that you left - to an extent - when you had kids. you're just not available to her in the same way - to go out, to go away. doesn't mean it has to be friendship terminated.

Maybe the dh is doing the inviting, & it's his mates plus their partners, as opposed to his dw's...?

makemineagecko and thirtysomething, would you like to me my new best friends?

Fancy a weekend in the country?

It's strange though because our lives are not dissimilar apart from the children thing. and yet the friends I have who are single and lead completely different lives to me don't seem to have changed their attitude towards me at all.

I know she would like children fairly soon, maybe then she'll be back!

If she wants children, perhaps she is a little envious of your life. Unless you discuss things with her you wont know.