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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Settle a disagreement - AIBU?

20 replies

MillieMummy · 02/01/2009 13:10

So, (breifly):

DH mentioned a couple of weeks ago that an old friend from college and her daugter were in town over Xmas and wanted to meet up with all the family - he didn't give any name or details (and I didn't ask any q's).

Two days ago he mentioned this again, this time I asked q's - turns out the 'friend' is an ex-girlfriend who DH 'found' on the internet two months ago and has exchanged e.mails with.

So my POV is that :

The meeting with the ex GF is not romantic in nature as she is bringing her DD and DH is bringing me and the kids BUT I think it is disloyal of DH to be searching for and contacting ex's and keeping this all secret until 2 days before the arranged meet.

DH thinks that there is nothing wrong with what he did and that he didn't discuss with me before as it wasn't important.

OP posts:

elastamum · 02/01/2009 13:13

No you ANBU, I would be livid

KingHerodNametaken · 02/01/2009 13:14

I don't think there's anything wrong with what he did, but I don't think there's any need for you all to meet up.

I mean, ask him how he'd feel if you arranged a night out and invited a man you'd had sex with in the past.

You can say hello and catch up with long lost girlfriends on Facebook, and leave it at that.

Theochris · 02/01/2009 13:14

I can see why you feel a bit cheesed off, but I think YAB (abit) U. It just sounds like he was looking up an old friend. He has been mostly upfront about it and you are going, so no problem. He prob didn't even think about it when he looked her up.
Hope you all have a fun day out.

BouncingTurtle · 02/01/2009 13:15

Umm if there was nothing wrong with what he did, then why did he fail to mention until 2 days beforehand?
YADNBU!

alicet · 02/01/2009 13:15

I can understand why you feel like that.

As to who is being unreasonable i think it depends on the circumstances around the contact. For example if she was a good friend either before they got together or after and they just lost touch I think there is nothing odd about it. If there were lots of unresolved issues surrounding the breakup then perhaps you are more justified in feeling uneasy.

I think it also depends on how secure you are in your relationship with your dh - have there been trust issues before etc.

I think you should sit down and ask your dh about their relationship / the breakup etc and explain why you feel uncomfortable. but if there are no other trust issues and he isn't defensive about answering your questions I think you should probably try and not think too much about it and enjoy the meet!

alicet · 02/01/2009 13:19

Crossposted with all the rest of you - have to say i am always really interested to meet dh's ex's - some of whom have reamined close friends and a couple we have met at weddings and stuff. afterall they are the people who have shaped him into the man I love and I would be far too nosy not to go!!!!

I trust him completely though, he is always open and honest, and I also don't have any issues in my past that makes it hard for me to trust. So it would never have crossed my mind to be concerned about this.

your background both with him and pre him will affect how you respond but try not to make too big a deal if otherwise there are not trust problems in your relationship - this may end up getting blown up out of all propertion if you can't let it go.

And as to why he left it until 2 days before to tell - er, he is a man and men just don't dwell on stuff like this in the same way as women. Of course it might be becasue he felt shifty about what he had done in getting in touch and there might be reasons to be concerned but you will only get a feel for this by talking it through with him

J2O · 02/01/2009 13:20

agree with Alice-as per usual!

alicet · 02/01/2009 13:21

he he hello J2O!

Original poster

MillieMummy · 02/01/2009 13:22

I have to say that I do trust DH 100%, but I guess I am a mixture of angry/disappointed that he kept the whole story from me. In retrospect he didn't mention her name the first time it was mentioned and I think that was deliberate on his part to keep me in the dark.

I guess at the end of the day my line is if there is nothing wrong about what he was doing, why keep it from me? Does that make sense?

OP posts:

morningpaper · 02/01/2009 13:23

well he didn't NOT TELL, you didn't ask any questions, so he was probably a bit about it

I think it's nice and sounds like he wants to show off his lovely wife and family - I'd enjoy it!

MrsWeasleyStrokesSantasSack · 02/01/2009 13:23

This sort of thing must happen all the time thanks to sites like Friends Reunited. You browse; you see an name you recongnise; you send a "Hi do you remember me?" note and hey presto!

IMHO it would depend on what type of relationship they had. How old they were, how serious etc.

hercules1 · 02/01/2009 13:25

I'm not sure I'd go tbh. I would get him to take the kids and I'd have some time to myself.

J2O · 02/01/2009 13:26

hmmm, do you think he was testing the water to gauge your reaction when he didn't mention her name the first time? I have trust issues with my dp, but i am far too nosy to not going to meet her. have you had any issues over the same woman before?

Original poster

MillieMummy · 02/01/2009 13:30

I have no trust issues with him - tbh he is the one with trust issues and I have avoided contacting any ex's so as to not cause problems.

I am going to go, if nothing else I am interested to meet her. I've met a couple of DH's ex's before so not worried about meeting her.

OP posts:

MerryMadMarg · 02/01/2009 13:33

Don't agree that not telling is not lying. My DH and I both agree that lying by omission is just as bad as deliberate lying. The thing about trust is that you don't play 20 questions with your partner, but that shouldn't mean that they can 'lie' by hiding something from you.

alicet · 02/01/2009 14:05

OK so the fact that he has trust issues makes it a bit more suspect imho - if he knew he would be upset by this he should have been honest with you really. Or i guess another interpretation is that he thought you might be upset so he didn't say anything to try not to upset you.

Either way its probably no cause for concern though - hope you have fun!

Jux · 02/01/2009 14:24

Oh go! I ended up with two good friends I would never have had if I had avoided dh's exs. They are great women and we love each other loads. I am closer friends with them than dh is!

amidaiwish · 02/01/2009 14:34

when you say he "looked her up on the internet" - in what way?

if on facebook or linkedin, then i think that is fine - you are frequently sent lists of people who you might know (via shared friends/colleagues etc...) so if via this method i wouldn't think there was anything untoward.

i am very good friends with one of my ex's, from about 10 years ago, i don't even think of him as an ex, just a good friend. then again i don't think we were ever in love ifykwim

TLESinChristmasStockings · 02/01/2009 14:49

I have a very very good friend who sends me things from the states for my ds's. He is also the man I was engaged to and with for 5 years. DP and I have been invited to go and stay with him and his wife.

OneLieIn · 02/01/2009 14:53

I think YABU. It is really easy on websites where you can see old school friends to 'see' old boyfriends / girlfriends. It is good that he is being honest with you and telling you he is doing this.

Don't be mad at him, be glad you have a DH who would tell you what he is doing.

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