To have broken my NYR regarding my mother already - quite upset, nay, very upset

[LucyEllensmummy]

She is playing me again!!!

Its quite complicated, but my mother is a "difficult" person and always has been. Its just that in the past, it has been my poor long suffering father who has copped for it. He died three years ago. The whole transition from her being the parent to the child did sort of take place but of course she wouldnt have it that way - she is impossible to help and the only way to integrate her is to ask for "help". She is possibly the most generous person i know and would give me her last penny. My eldest DD sort of lives with her, very long and complicated story (DD is nearly 19) although spends most of her time at her BF.

Anyway, i could write loads about my DD but thats not the issue - my mother now has a B in her bonnet about DD. She gave her some money for xmas and wanted DD to spend some of it on a pair of boots that she wanted, DD doesn't want to. I told my mother before xmas if she wanted to buy DD the boots then to buy them as i know DD would want the money for her holiday. So now as in true 18yo fashion, DD has gone out and pretty much wasted her xmas money (from me too) on Ds games (her DP bought her one for xmas) and shite. I was miffed but if i wanted to dictate what she brought with the money i would have bought vouchers. Anyway, my mother has gone off on one about it. But said NOTHING to DD. No, she has been on the phone to me constantly about it - three times in one morning, saying the same shit over and over. I have phoned DD in the meantime - and asked her how nanny is - fine, no problems, ive told her what she said, she has said nothing to her . Anyway, most of this is irrelevant, it is just an example of how my mother can be - perfectly reasonable? Well maybe, but I have said to my mum, if you feel DD is taking the piss, then send her back home (i would actually really like her back!!!!) but of course no - she doesnt want that, and i do understand tbh.

So now, with fresh Bee in bonnet my mother "looks for trouble". Going through her phone bill to look for mobile numbers etc - found several that i am sure DD has rung (although when i dont know as my mother takes the phone out with her when she goes out and DD is mostly at her DPs). So all the day before NYE i rang and rang, no answer - i got worried so went round there, mother answered door in foul mood - "I;ve had the phone disconnected i don't want a phone anymore anyway". So i say, what if you get sick? "i dont care!". Starts going on and on - DP is outside with DD2 who has fallen asleep in car, its freezing so i have to cut her short and go home. So, i checked to see if the phone cut off, No its not, no problem with the line (no, i bet she has smashed up her phone in temper - this is a classic thing for my mother to do, she smashed a perfectly lovely walnut dressing table because my poor old dad left a tea cup on it and it marked it) She has done this soooo many times. So, OK i think im not getting drawn into your fucking games again.

Every NYE DP and i don't go out (we are hermits ) but we like to phone our parents, or they phone us, whoever gets there first - so i rang and rang and rang - no answer. That really upset me. DD1 was out at a party and problably shit faced, had left her phone at home anyway so i didnt ring her either.

So, yesterday i thought id pop round, she was out with the dog, so we went to tesco and i got shopping i thought she might need. Took it round there, house in darkness, no answer, but dog in and not lockedin kitchen so i knew she was in, So shouting through the letter box etc. Eventually she lets me in, saying she was asleep - she clearly hadn't just woken up. Again in foul mood "What do you want" "Ive brought shopping, i didn't know what to get really". "Well why can't you just let me lie down" No thank you, nothing....I just put the shopping in the front room and left - she wouldnt even turn the light on!

So. Now i feel like shit. Upset that things are this way AGAIN (last time she wouldnt speak to me for weeks because i wouldnt help her to clump her sister for "stealing" things from her house - yes, its as mad as that, i wouldt mind but my mother is 75 and her sister 82!!!!!), Pissed off with myself because i'm being played again, she knows that i worry and feel i have to "chase after her" as my DP puts it. Worried about her and feeling sorry for her because i know she is lonely and probably feels like shit too. I don't have time to keep doing this, a simple phone call was enough to know she is ok. And just as always, whenever my mother does this, i just feel crap - flat and miserable and of course taking it out on DP.

I am in counselling and my counsellor says i shouldnt let my mother get to me so much and that she is playing games with me, so my new years resolution was not to rise to her bullshit , and fuck me, i didn't even get past NYE.

Would i be a complete CUNT if i did just that and not rise to it. Not run round after her and pander to her shit? But she IS my mother at the end of the day and has pretty much isolated herself from the rest of the family so sees no one.

I think you have to treat her a bit like a toddler-ignore the bad and respond to the good-distract if possible!

Oh LEM, how difficult for you.

You are clearly a very caring daughter, and I do know how hard to get that balance right between having enough space to stay sane yourself, and keeping in touch to show that you care for your Mum - however difficult she is being.

First, don't worry about the NY resolution thing. That is a red herring. Every day is the start of a new year, and you can start again today.

"Would i be a complete CUNT if i did just that and not rise to it. Not run round after her and pander to her shit?" No you wouldn't! Let her be for a while. When you feel calmer, you can have a cup of tea and a chat with her - let her know that you were hurt by her not answering the phone at New Year, if you need to, but say that you accept she needed space and you are sorry if you disturbed her.

She wanted to buy your daughter boots for Christmas but wanted her to try them on first. Shame, but that's teenagers for you. You can't control them (like you can control adult children!) Let your Mum learn her own lessons from this. It is nothing to do with you. Smile sweetly and sympathise if you mum needs to talk about it, but you have done all that you could/should, in alerting your dd to how her Nan feels.

'Last time she wouldnt speak to me for weeks because i wouldnt help her to clump her sister for "stealing" things from her house - yes, its as mad as that, i wouldt mind but my mother is 75 and her sister 82!!!!!' Oh bless! You know life would be so much more boring if you had an ordinary mum! But you know now that you can survive the times when she doesn't speak to you - and can be there for her, when she does need you.

Hope that you can feel able to put this behind you and that you can enjoy 2009 with your partner. Your counsellor sounds as if s/he has an important point there, but has s/he come up with any concrete ideas as to how you can let go? The mother and daughter relationship is hugely important to us. If you are to create some space, then you will need something else to fill that space . . .

Thanks NQG, the thing is, i feel like a bad daughter - because id really rather she just left us be. She gave me and my partner £400 between us at xmas, she does care - but sometimes i just get so worn down by what i feel is occult emotional blackmail. She doesn't ask for help etc etc, but she has her own set of rules. She has just "stolen" someones cat because she doesnt feel it was being looked after properly.. The Sister fued is unbelievable. She has accused her of taking things out of her house, swapping things. The problem is, it is probably half true but when you have your mother on the phone to you in a rage because she can't find a set of pegs that she has had for years.....accusing her sister of swapping them for cheap shitty pegs, but no, she gave the pegs to me, ages ago - they are long gone, broken through wear and tear, but she wont have it. But then, her sister left a bag of stuff at my cousins to give back to my mother, a gold watch that was my nans was among this, the strap has clearly been swapped for some cheap gold plated strap - a fool could see it (well i did ), i think its so unfair that everyone just rolls their eyes when my mother goes on about stuff, because she goes on about stuff that her sister wouldnt have bothered to "swap". Its plain ridiculous. But it escalated to the point where the police were involved - thankfully they just walked away scratching their heads.

The thing is, in a week or so, she will be fine, but it is just that, she has only got to be slightly off hand with me and my mood descends and i end up moody and short tempered with DP and DDs.

Please god don't let me be like this with my children.