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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset at eveyone

22 replies

NeedToVent · 30/12/2008 15:17

I'm seperated from my husband - his choice -and trying my best to bring up my DD alone. He helps but TBH it's minimal and was when we lived together to to all intents and purposes I have been a single parent since DD was born 12mths ago.

I have never forced DD into in any kind of routine, she was BF on demand, BLW etc. However from around 8 months DD has settled into a routine on her own particularly at night. She is in bed by 6.30pm this suits me and her. She is doing absolutely brillant development wise and is a happy baby.

However more and more I am getting digs from other members of mine and DH's family . About what I feed her, what time she goes to bed, that she shouldn't be in a routine I am forcing her !!!! If she cries I should go to her immediately etc etc.

I think it has been highlighted over Christmas as they have spent more time with her and have been around at bedtimes etc.

The main argument seems to be that I shouldn't be so strict with her bedtime routine and half an hour here and there won't make a difference. BUT I know my child and it DOES make a difference and it's me that has to be up with her in the night if she has got over tired. It's me that is up with her at the crack of dawn in the morning. So I feel that it is important that I read her cues and put her to bed when she is tired.

I know that they are her grandparents and care and want to see her etc but I feel so upset that they all seem to be undermining how I am doing things

Not really expecting any responses just feeling fed up and needed to vent

Don't want to keep falling out over this but I can't seem to get them to listen to me and take on board that I am not putting her to bed so that they can't spend time with her etc it's because she NEEDS to sleep arrrghhh

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 30/12/2008 15:20

I think they are right - half an hour here and there won't make a difference

i say that now in HINDSIGHT as i was similar when DS was younger as he was a bugger for sleeping

it can be hard to let go at times but babies and toddlers can be more adaptable than you realise

however, feeling constantly undermined is not nice and can leave you feeling upset - if it bothers you, tell them (nicely at first)

muffins · 30/12/2008 15:20

Well your daughter is happy, sleeps well and is settled in her routine, I'd say you are doing everything RIGHT. I am for you

JeremyVile · 30/12/2008 15:25

Everyone gets this to some extent or another.
You need to say something aong the lines of what you've written - Everyone has their opinions but as I am her mother and it is me who knows her best and would have to deal with her being over-tired or getting up at the crack of dawn, then I'll stick with what works best for us, I assume you have no objections to that? Now, can we drop it please.

Yanbu. People can be such nob-jockeys.

Libralovesbiscuits1975 · 30/12/2008 15:26

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job and YANBU at all. Ignore them.

AuntieMaggie · 30/12/2008 15:31

try not to let them upset you - you know your dd better than anyone and even though half hour here and there won't make a difference you and your dd are happy with your routine.

you have to have a life too and if your dd going to bed at 6.30 makes her happy and means you can do what you have to then so be it.

everyone has different opinions on bringing up children and every child is different - i think you're doing a great job and you should be proud of yourself.

Heated · 30/12/2008 15:41

They obviously enjoy your dd's company which is lovely but they haven't worked out that the reason she is so lovely to be with is because you have a routine that suits you and her.

I find a simple, "It's what works best for me and dd" usually suffices, or a very level but firm, "I've said no" (indicates you've been pushed far enough).

Although rubyslippers has a point about half an hour not making a difference, I only reached that more relaxed attitude with my 2nd child and I have the benefit of a supportive dh to back me up. When it's your first and it is only you who has to cope with the 5am start, then control and routines imo are very important.

Good luck at dealing with their well-intentioned interference.

HSMM · 30/12/2008 15:43

If half an hour here or there won't make any difference, then why are they making such a fuss! Stick to your guns.

Original poster

NeedToVent · 30/12/2008 15:49

Thanks everyone. I've just rung my mum to explain calmly to her but she said I am over protective and it won't matter etc. We agreed to differ but I'm upset that it's my daughter and even if they don't say anything i get the 'look'

I'm back to work in a few weeks and DD may be going to her grandparents (both sides of the family) initially but TBH I really don't want her to because I feel that they are not respecting my wishes

Arrghhhh feel like taking myself off somewhere away from the lot of them.

OP posts:

aGalChangedHerName · 30/12/2008 15:50

My dd's still need to go to bed at a particular time and they are 2.5 and 4.5,if they are put to bed any later than the normal time they are over tired and whingy going to bed and the next day.

She is your dd and you make the decisions esp as you are bringing her up alone atm.

If family want to see more of her why not let them have her overnight/keep he rup late/deal with her all the next day?? That should shut em up

muffins · 30/12/2008 15:51

Could she not go to a nursery or childminder instead if you don't want them to go to grandparents?

Flihgtattendant · 30/12/2008 15:53

I think you need support as a single mum and it's shocking that none of them can see this, and are just homing in on your vulnerability.

I hope you have got some strength left to stand up for what you believe is right.

It's bloody hard being on your own and you're obviously doing a grand job x

Leo9 · 30/12/2008 16:04

half an hour here and there makes a huge difference to some babies! As you say needtovent, if it means you are going to have a hellish night and then be up at the crack of dawn having to entertain a cranky child who has not had enough kip, it is just not worth that half an hour here or there.

I know to some people it may seem amazing it matters so much but I sympathise because my ds was the same, he needed to be in bed by a certain time and have a certain amount of kip otherwise he was a nightmare.

When you can see this potential 'nightmare' actually having happy and contented days, you know the routine suits them so you bloody well stick with it.

Please don't be undermined; they're just being selfish and putting their wish to see your child over her need to keep her routine. You're clearly a mum who is following her child's needs rather than imposing some arbitrary routine.

That's the point of a routine after all - it's all the time, not the odd day here and there; that's not routine!

MerryMadMarg · 30/12/2008 16:17

Ooh, this sounds so much like when I go visit my mum and stay with her - other side of the world so for over a month.

We have actually ended up in a top of our voices screaming match over this - seriously. I don't mind a little bit of interference, but by the end I just firmly (forcefully if needed) repeat that I am DS's mother, and she is his GRANDmother, and that she had better remember that I get to make the decisions and quite frankly I'm allowed to be as precious/strict as I damn well want to be.

LucyEllensmummy · 30/12/2008 16:18

I'd needtovent too if i were you. It sounds like you are doing a stirling job with your DD and that they should just butt out.

The only thing i will say is, like you, i let my DD establish her own routines and she did. Most times it was great, but it did become quite restrictive. However,she is three now and doesn't need to stick to things quite so rigidly, and also life gets in the way. My betting is that this will happen with your DD fairly soon, but you are right - you know your child better than anyone ese and you are right to follow her cues. Like you say, they are not the ones who have to deal with a miserable child if things go out of kilter.

[anvy] about the early bedtime.

Original poster

NeedToVent · 30/12/2008 16:21

I suppose in the main they are supportive but just these niggles that I am being overprotective when I state that I need to be home by a certain time to have her ready for bed etc. They can't see why I can't stay longer ie til her bedtime when visiting then go home! They seem unable to grasp the concept that it takes 15 min to get home then she has her bath, feed and bed.

They can't have her overnight yet as she is still breastfed and feeds before bed, at least once in the night and in the morning.

She is booked into a nursery but they were going to mind her for the first month whilst I settle back into work and to ease the cost burden. However I am thinking that this is not going to be a good idea so think I will be putting her straight into nursery.

OP posts:

aGalChangedHerName · 30/12/2008 16:24

I would just keep doing what you are doing now. Oh and i think nursery sounds like a great idea. They will not even try to follow the routine etc.

Nightmare for you!!

senatorvass · 30/12/2008 16:28

half an hour would be the difference between a good day/night and bad one for my DS. Other people can stuff it really I do what is best for him! You sound like you are doing a fantastic job.

NAB3lovelychildren · 30/12/2008 16:31

I am with you, OP. Sometimes a break in a routine does make a deifference. If my 3 year old doesn't nap in the day he will be up in the night (over tired) and if I don't put him down by a certain time he won't sleep at all.

Ignore them. If they want to spend more time with the baby, tell them they can, but you will not be undermined when YOU know what is best for YOUR baby.

pamelat · 30/12/2008 20:40

Needtovent, I get you totally. People are like this with me too.

GP's are booking things for her lunch time nap and I consider it rude, frankly, to expect her to miss a sleep just so that we can eat.

I think half an hour here or there is important if it equals an unhappy baby. And you will be the one in another week left with a grumpy/cranky baby who is over tired.

prettybutterfly · 30/12/2008 20:45

Rellies are bonkers. You actually cannot win.
Can you smile, thicken your skin, and just say something like "I'll bear it in mind, thanks" and then carry on as you were?

Original poster

NeedToVent · 30/12/2008 23:29

Thanks everyone will take your advice nad hopefully ge through NY then they can all go back to work and leave me alone!

OP posts:

Bonnycat · 31/12/2008 12:14

YANBU and sound to be doing a great job,i would try to smile sweetly then ignore them and do as you think is best for YOUR child

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