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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

this is a long one, sorry

33 replies

NKd9fa21aX11e873b4c2d · 30/12/2008 10:00

have been married for 5 yrs.(this is the 3rd one) over the last year my husband and i went over a bad patch and last dec. he moved his money to his own bank account. i have continued to keep the house running paying all the bills etc over the last year he has not hardly contributed to anything. A few yrs back we remortgaged and i had a large sum to pay off my bills and with the extra we had we agreed we would pay extra towards his, which didnt happen. We have a house that needs a lot doing to it and i took out a loan to have a room done as it was so badly damp, due to the problems wrong with it it cost me more than i wanted to pay but had to have it done, i have had insulation done to the home as well. He has 2 jobs, i had a 5 day a week job to which i dropped to 4 days to help out a sick family member to which that money makes up the shortfall of my full time job. I am now at the end of my budget and cannot make ends meet anymore all my christmas money to me has gone into the bank to help towards the bills, he keeps telling me that i should not keep shopping on my catalogue, which i do have an account with, but i dont drink or smoke and am continually working for my own job and then helping out my family member. As well another very elderly family member has very little in the way of family and i have ended up with that one too, as they have been really poorly. I would like to add that he has a brand new motorbike and has all the gaming gadgets going and also buys games for those.
Im now thinking that should i be leaving him am i wrong in expecting him to contribute and what can i do about this as i am very very fed up...your responses please Many thanks

OP posts:
MerryMadMarg · 30/12/2008 14:09

You know that this can't continue, how you actually tackle it in the end must be up to you, but there are several options.

I'm guessing he feels that 'he' contributed to the sum that you got from the remortgage because the house is in both your names, even though you are solely paying that mortgage off. I would assume that a year's worth of paying the mortgage on your own more than makes up for it, let alone the rest of the bills which you have paid.

Firstly, you can treat him like a lodger, and he has to pay a set amount for 'rent'. But that means that you don't buy him ANYTHING. Even to the point of not buying him any food, unless you include that in the 'rent'. If he doesn't want to pay, then he can move out.

Secondly, you work out your outgoings, and split them in half. Then you each contribute half of that amount into the joint account, and you pay the bills etc out of that.

Thirdly, you sit down and work out outgoings, and ingoings, and do a fair distribution, allowing each of you to have your own personal money. This would be the most ideal, proper marriage division in my opinion.

Not wanting to be the voice of gloom, but if you can find out how much he has in his account right now, you can cover yourself. If you split up now or in the near future, he is probably entitled to half the house, regardless of the fact that you have paid solely for the last year. But YOU are entitled to half of his savings as well if they accumulated in the last year while you are married, and you need to make sure you know how much he has, in case he decides to take off and hide it somewhere. If he does this, then the courts are likely to to take this into account when dividing the assets.

lalalonglegs · 30/12/2008 14:11

I think at first he may have been making some sort of point but now it has become ludicrous. He is either completely unrealistic about how much you are paying out or he is exploiting you. Let's assume it is a lack of realism and do as Notreally suggested: itemise everything and say that the outgoings have now been levelled out and it is time for him to start contributing again. His reaction will tell you a lot about him.

Nikkers44 · 31/12/2008 19:16

i have tackled him with this now, and told him it cant go on anymore as i am not in a position to continue he has told me that he would go back to a joint account but i have declined. He still reckons that the same money of his will be going into the account and so the same things will be coming out and so we not be any better off and he reckons he doesnt have the sort of money i am looking for for his half of all the bills. i have said that he either starts paying his half or there is no point in our relationship as this is just causing a lot of bad feeling.

Nekabu · 01/01/2009 14:53

If you had a joint bank account, why would all of his money not go into it? Transfer everything he has in the single one (or just make that joint) and then have his pay go into the joint one. As for the 'he doesn't have the sort of money i am looking for for his half of all the bills'; exactly what planet is he inhabiting where he thinks that he, an adult married male, should not be paying his equal share? If he doesn't have the money to pay for the things he uses and enjoys, then he needs to either cut down on his expenditures or get a second job, the same way the rest of us (who don't happen to live with someone as overly generous as you) do!

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 01/01/2009 14:57

What is the point of this relationship, Nikkrrs? Is he a good enough shag to justify you keeping him as a pet? If not, chuck him out.

Nekabu · 01/01/2009 15:01

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain - I was drinking tea when I read your post! I shall have to go and mop up my keyboard now ...

LiffeyValleyOfTheDolls · 01/01/2009 15:17

He is STEALING from you. Being a family, running one household, that stuff is teamwork. What's his contribution?

TWINSETinapeartree · 01/01/2009 15:30

This does not sound like much of a relationship to me, dp and I have separate bank accounts but there is no his or mine money and we are not married. You do not sound like you are working as a team.

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