Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my mum/sisters around for the first stage of labour?

45 replies

SheWillBeLoved · 29/12/2008 17:20

DP thinks so. He wants it to be 'our special intimate time', I want some support for my first labour from my mum who has pushed 7 kids into this world, and (4) sisters who have all given birth twice each. I'm a good 5 months off giving birth yet btw

I don't want them around for the whole thing, i'd rather my mum didn't see my over stretched fanjo. I just wanted some words of encouragement now and again when I need it during the first stage (they'll all be anxiously waiting outside the ward) from whoever I choose. Obviously they won't and can't all flood into the room together.

AIBU? I don't think I am. I can see his point, but I think he's being incredibly selfish telling me that he is now beginning to dread the day I give birth to his child.

I'm going to show him this thread when it has run it's course.

OP posts:
Libralovesbiscuits1975 · 29/12/2008 17:25

Erm bear in mind that most hospitals don't have waiting rooms and that they may not be able to wait outside the ward.

To be honest I'm on your DH side, the words of encouragement are what your DH is for.

apostropheelingchristmassy · 29/12/2008 17:26

actually I'm with your DH on this, but I don't think it's a huge issue. Your first stage of labour isn't desperately interesting, just a bit twingey and inconvenient. If this is your first child, it'll probably last long enough for you to have special time with your DH and the rest of your family.

Is this about a more deep-rooted issue - like whether he's concerned about your family muscling in on the upbringing of the child?

stirfry · 29/12/2008 17:27

You do realise that the hospital won't let you have all those people there when you're in labour, most places allow 1 or 2 at the most.

Original poster
SheWillBeLoved · 29/12/2008 17:28

This hospital does, all but one of my sisters have given birth there and i've been there each time. He will be there the whole time supporting me as much as he wants to, but I think sometimes it'd be nice to have some encouragement from someone who has a better idea of what you're going through. I fail to see how that's wrong of me?

OP posts:
stirfry · 29/12/2008 17:28

If you wanted to have all your family around you then why not consider a home birth?

unfitmother · 29/12/2008 17:29

You'd better check the visiting policy at the labour ward or do you mean when you're still at home?

apostropheelingchristmassy · 29/12/2008 17:29

stirfry are the kids back (xpost)

stirfry · 29/12/2008 17:30

the hospital lets you have 5 people in the labour room with you?

which one is it? because i'd want my partner and mum their when i have dc3

apostropheelingchristmassy · 29/12/2008 17:30

The trick is, not to go to the hospital for the first stage - it'll just slow things down. Have them all at home until you really can't bear it, then go to hospital. Then you get it both ways, plus less time labouring in a place that smells of disinfectant

thisisyesterday · 29/12/2008 17:31

i would agree that actually the delivery suite may not be willing to have half your family sat outside and going in and out of the room.

that said I do think it's important that you have the people there that are going to help you the most. that isn't to say that your dp can't/won't help, but just that if it's a big thing for you to have your mum there then you should do so.

i would maybe think about having perhaps just your mum and dp there? you do need to take his feelings into consideration, but he needs to do the same.

I can kind of understand that he may feel very pushed out if you have 5 other women there all supporting you and he may feel that he has no role in something that's clearly very important to him

you need to compromise

FourArms · 29/12/2008 17:31

He might have a point about the immediate minutes after your DC is born, but not the labour. That's about you, and IMO, whatever would help you get through it should be fine by him.

I had my mum with me during both of my labours. One ended in a c/s, but she held the opposite leg to DH during the birth of DS2 and saw the lot. Not a bit of came into it. She bathed me afterwards like a baby too whilst DH slept

domesticslattern · 29/12/2008 17:31

Why decide now? The first stage of labour it is entirely likely you will be at home anyway. It can go on and on and on, and you can have forty five people in your front room if you so desire. When you get to hospital then you will have to go with their policy, probably 1 or 2 at the most. Remember your DP needs a role with your baby and don't crowd him out right from the start.

stirfry · 29/12/2008 17:31

yes!!!!
thanks apostrophy, think i was being very paranoid before

TheProvincialLady · 29/12/2008 17:31

Your labour, your choice.

oxocube · 29/12/2008 17:32

my mum was with me for dc3 (home birth) and cut the cord. Its strange as we were never close when I was a child or teen but I wanted my mum when I had my own kids. Dh was also there and other 2 kids who slept through whole thing only to be woken up immediately after the birth. Am actually feeling quite teary at the thought of it.

ketal · 29/12/2008 17:34

No. Not sure about all of your sisters, but I certainly had my mum there. She was the one with the backbone who told me to knuckle down to it when I was shouting abuse at poor DH. DH was unsure about having my mum there the first time, but practically begged her to be there the second. Just the fact that when he needed a break, my mum could take over. She also stopped me getting too arsey and I couldn't answer her back because she's my mum! If you only want your sisters there for the early labour, then try staying out of hospital for as long as you can, and having your sisters with you at home and then transferring to hospital with your mum and DH. Sell it to him on grounds that your mum will be able to give him a break if its a long labour and so on... just make sure she knows how to keep a low profile at the key moments!
HTH

Original poster
SheWillBeLoved · 29/12/2008 17:37

Stirfry - for my first labour, i'd personally feel safer in a hospital environment.

Unfitmother - I know the policy, there is a waiting area for family, and there is a maximum of 2 visitors allowed in the labour suite at any one time.

He isn't here right now, and has just text me with "I have 3 major fears with this. 1: it's not mine, 2: you die giving birth, 3: other people taking over. I just want to do this on our own and learn from our mistakes".

The 'not being his' scenario stems from him being told 11 years ago his chances of having kids were slim due to a low sperm count, and me being pregnant by him twice in 2 years.

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 29/12/2008 17:38

My mum wasn't with me for DD1 (i was overseas) and i really could have done with her, don't get me wrong dh was fab but I think it would have helped.

She was there for dd2 ( dh had aprhensions as we'd already done it before on our own) but it was brilliant if either of them needed a break I still had someone with me.

DC 3 is due in June and Mum is already booked!!!!

WorzselMummage · 29/12/2008 17:38

YANBU atall !

My Mum was there for the birth of DD and tbh i couldnt have done it without her

ReginaFelange · 29/12/2008 17:41

Surely your first stage of labour would be at home. It depends how long into labour you think you need your family their for. Personally I wouldn't want all of those people waiting for me to produce a baby.

I'm with your DH. I think if he is their you shouldn't need anybody else.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 29/12/2008 17:41

I think he has issues he needs to sort other than your mother which HE needs to deal with pdq if he's going to support you..... at the end of the day other people may well take over and it is likely he'll feel abit like a spare wheel but YOU are the priority in this situation ( not many times you get to say that) and if this is what makes you the most comfortable he needs to accept that.

FWIW mum made herself pretty scarce for a few minutes after just to let us be a family.

francagoestohollywood · 29/12/2008 17:42

Yanbu!! When I was in labour with ds, my mum took over dh (who was hungry and went to eat something )for at least half an hour, and she was of great comfort.

naturalbornmum · 29/12/2008 17:42

Why don't you stay at home for as long as possible - then in theory you can have who you want there? I think that YABU if your DH does'nt want your family there. The only thing I would make sure he is aware of is - 1st labours are often v long (sorry) - he may be grateful of someone to give him a break.

swingsofglory · 29/12/2008 17:43

YANBU. My DP was much the same about my Mum being present or anyone else.

In the event my parents did come into the delivery room for a while after several hours of labour (they live over 4 hours away) and my DP was so relieved to see them he burst into tears! Labour can be long and intense and it's really useful to have someone there so that your DP can take a break / get some food / have a pee without feeling he's leaving you on your own.

Not sure about all your sisters though - kind of with him on that one... can you compromise - one other at any one time maybe with the promise they won't take over?

naturalbornmum · 29/12/2008 17:45

The thing is you are better off at home in the 1st stage anyway so you can carry on as normal and normal is having family/friends round.