To wonder what DP is hiding in his bedside drawer and maybe take a peek?

[MumofBaby]

He said I wasn't allowed to go in the drawer as he had Christmas presents receipts in there. I said it's ok, I won't read them but he was adament I could not go in the drawer.

It is now past xmas! I know what my prezzies are.

So last night, baby was crying, I was hunting through DP's drawers for baby's neurofen sachets (teething) and he was like 'No, get out, I'll get it' in a startled way.

So why am I not allowed in the drawer? We don't have secrets.

Is it very bad of me to take a look?

God why does secret porn have the ability to make you feel so shitty about everything from your hair to your waist line??

Just bin it, he didn't ask if he could have it so you don't need to ask if you can bin it imo.
If he was satisfying you then you probably wouldn't mind but he's not and you do mind.
Also book in to get your hair, nails done etc whatever you need to make yourself feel sexy again.

Well, even without the porn stash, you two need to have a talk don't you?

If it had been a secret trip to Paris then you would have been happy and pretended that you didn't know about it.

But it wasn't. It was a porn stash. It's an issue that isn't going to go away and it will niggle away until it comes out in an argument about something else unless you address it and sit down and discuss it.

"he didn't ask if he could have it"????

I didn't ask my dh if i could have the Golden Girls DVD set, if he chucked them out I would deck him. You can't control somebody that much, I'm all for suggesting things you can watch/do together but the OP can't just show up with a binbag and replace all her partner's personal artifacts with a scented candle!

If the porn bothers you, OP then you need to talk about it. Ask him to keep it where you can't stumble upon it and use it when you are not there. Most men are capable of maintaining a normal functioning relationship and watching the odd porno.

I keep trying to adress the no sex thing but i don't get answers so i think maybe im asking the wrong questions iyswim?

I'd get it all out and start watching it while you're in bed on your own. Give him something to think about. Worked wonders for me when my DP went off sex (ok due to him having a lot of crap at work) but when he asked i said i was watching it for ideas and self gratification he soon started with the (this is from another thread which i found funny) jack russelling and leg stroking very funny lol

Porn is a totally personal choice, some women are really against it some don't mind it, some enjoy it themselves BUT as a couple I think it's important to both be happy about where the issue lies in your relationship because it is a delicate subject and it can be hurtful and even affect self esteem etc

So in this case yes I would throw them out, it's not a control issue it's about how I would feel about him using porn and neglecting my needs and also about him decieving me. I would be almost as upset and angry as I would be if he cheated tbh.

As for replacing it with a scented candle that wasn't quite what I had in mind, I was more thinking a trip to ann summers for things you could both get pleasure out of and that would be you closer as a couple.

Him getting his kicks while refusing to help me get mine would make me upset and disapointed just as it would if he only ever did things for himself but not for me, bottom line is being in a relationship as far as I'm concerned is about being a team and helping each other.

throwing them out is wrong in my humble opinion.
If he has gone off sex lately are you sure he is not suffering from erectile disfunction? Can you think of any one incident that may have made sex difficult for him?

Some people who are having difficulties having sex will often use porn on their own to try to prove that they are still capable of the physical act, it's not a reflection on how attractive they find their partner.

I think that you need to have an open discussion about your sex life in general outside the bedroom in a neutral situation, ie over a cup of tea or even better whilst out for a walk. (talking about something difficult is often easier when walking as you don't have to look at someone and the rhythm of walking is soothing).
Are you still affectionate with each other, can you have a cuddle without one of you trying to escalate to sex?
If he is having a problem with erectile dysfucntion then throwing out his porn and making him feel like a grubby teen will make things worse.

I could of course be barking up the wrong tree entirely.

Well he says it's just because the baby doesn't sleep well so we don't get much time to ourselves, the bed is ridiculously creaky and wakes the baby, and he works like mad at a job he hates. Not a great combination. But I need some kind of reassurance as I've not long had a baby and I feel ugly as sin!

Tell him exactly what you've just said then. Let him know that reassurance can be affection as well as sex though.

Can you fix the bed? Is baby in with you two?

If so, how about a bath together when baby is asleep or buying something that you could watch as a couple and putting it on one night downstairs when baby is in bed?

I think that most relationships go through stages where one partner is not as up for it as the other, my partner has been the one gagging for it lately whereas i have been absolutely knackered and stressed out with work and just not into it at all. However, he has ahem surprised me a couple of times and it's been great .
Worth a try maybe?

You don't have to have sex in the bed.

He may be having problems but if he was you'd hope he'd talk to you about it.

We all feel horrible after having a baby, everyone goes through it and if they tell you otherwise they are lying imo.

How old is your baby, mumofbaby? I assume he is the first?

7 months and he is the first. But we're going to be trying for another soon, which DP is very excited about!

mumofbaby, I guess your dp is going to get back in the saddle, as it were, if you are going to conceive a second soon.

I was going to suggest leave it and bring it up again once things have calmed down on the adjustment to a first born. But if you are going for a second soon, you and dp do realise that you are likely to be signing up for more sleepless nights plus you will not have had the time to lose any weight and recover your figure before a second pregnancy.

Having closely spaced babies works very well for some families. But it puts a great strain on a relationship to have 2 or more under 3, without a doubt. If your dp is going off sex from it all, it would be better to talk through the issues with your dp before pushing ahead with no.2.

He maybe got a hold of them to help with your problems.

I don't know that confronting him will help you with the underlying issue. He asked you not to look. He trusts you to grant him some small measure of privacy. Looking and then confonting him about may create the opposite response. It'll put him even further off of you because he won't feel he can trust you.

What I've found is that men get a little insecure when women get focused on themselves. Make him watch the kids while you have a "bath." Make sure he thinks you are in there managing your own needs. The more you focus on you and what you want or need, the more inaccessible you'll seem. And therefore, more desireable.

Hmm - porn doesn't bother me in the slightest but secret porn and loads of it would bother me.

You need to confront him and ask him why he has gone off sex with you but wanks to porn?

Not good for your self esteem I agree but am sure you are gorgeous.