to ask neighbour to turn down her music?

[skrimbo]

This is not a topic I normally dabble in but this has me really stressed out.

History- woman next doors husband died years ago in a terrible car accident. The doughter still lived at home and their would be loud music played sometimes that was obvioulsy the daughter, I let it go, due to the circumstances. The woman also played music loudly sometimes, it was different music and obvious it was the mother. I imagine her grief and let it go.

On one occasion years later the music (daughter) was so bad I knocked the door, but music was so loud she couldn't here me so I put a note through saying music was a bit loud.

Years later the daughter has moved out and its just the woman, she likes to blast her musci before she goes to work but it can go on for hours. I never hear her telly just the music clear as day. I have never had the balls to go next door and ask her to turn it down, I always imagined it might be an anniversey or other important date, but the music is pretty regular now. I study at home and used to work from home and it really affects my consentration.

So today, bit stressed from exH/ kids pick up and all that. Just got settled kids on the Wii and the music came on full blast, louder than the Wii, so without thinking I went and knocked the door.

She was incredulous, saying things like I am not harming you and I am only playing my music, vauge comments about noise from my side. I explained that I never heared her TV so I wondered if her speakers were against the wall or something and thats why the music carried so much. She said one speaker is, but it was all very so what and replies like "So you are actually complaining about my music". I tried to explain it was louder than my TV, but she really wasn't interested.

So now what, I don't want to fall out with her but I suppose it might be too late now, I have let this go for years, previously I have actually left the house because I can't listen to it any more. I have also taken all my uni books and driven off in the van to find some peace to study.

She says it isn't harming me, well it is! It is so stressful and bad enough to make me leave my house for hours at a time to get away from it. I can only hope I caught her off guard today and after her initial defensiveness she might realise it is not on.

You have been much more understanding that I could have been. If you are not looking for a huge confrontation then I would invite her round for a cup of tea and try to explain to her in a calm manner that her music is so loud that you can't study at home and tell her about the van. I find that guilt trips are much more effective than a shouting match. If she is still defensive and doesn't try to see your point of view then give her a day to think about what you said. If still no change then tell her you have no choice but to report her to the local council for noise.

I really don't think I could invite her in for a cuppa, we have never had more than a two line conversation in the six years I have lived here.

I was really nice when I spoke to her, I also thought the guilt trip and giving her the get out of saying "oh yes maybe if I moved the speaker a bit". I didn't say anything about how I have been listening to it for years.

Poor you - I really sympathise. I have moved in the past because of noisy neighbours so I know how stressful it can be. (We lived in a flat above someone who played music with a really throbbing bass - it kind of vibrated through the whole house. Not what you want with a small baby.) You've been amazingly tolerant about it so far. I think jenice's right - you should carry on being nice for now. Hopefully she will think about it and realise you're right. If she won't turn it down then there are options via the council. Might be worth ringing them just to get some info - it always helps to feel you're doing something. It's your right to live a peaceful life in your own house, and you're definitely not being unreasonable!

Could you invite her round to yours to hear for herself how loud her music sounds in your house?

It's difficult to raise this now, after having let it go on for so long - you were being understanding and patient, but now she'll find it hard to understand why it's suddenly a problem.

Why don't you ask her to come round to yours and listen?

I thought about asking her in to hear it as I wondered if it was that loud in her house and if the problem really was the sound carrying, but when she opened the door I could hear it was just really loud, I think she does the classic put the music on loud in one room then faff around the whole house getting ready, so its up loud so she can hear it in the bathroom .

I am hoping after her defience this afternoon that she might have taken it on board a bit, it was a bit quieter a little while after I had been, so if she keeps it at that volume I can cope, but she has the tendency to turn it up with each of her favourite songs, I keep picturing her sobbing her heart out thinking of her husband but to be honest I think she is really upstairs doing her hair ready for work.

I think I might treat myself to a huge pair of noise cancelling head phones and just listen to my own music when studying, and get an estimate for soudproofing, but as my boiler needs replaced that might have to wait. Come to think of it I do have a pair of ear defenders and some ear plugs .

Oh dear- poor you. Sounds like a hard one and I'm not sure there's much you can do, especially if you don't want to play hardball and get environmental health involved. Hope she comes to see the error of her ways in time. You sound like you were more than polite.

I am still traumatised from an occasion 2 years a go when she had "Stuck in the middle with you" on repeat and it just played for hours. I was out the back screaming along with the words gong mental.

I really don't want to involve envirmonmental health, its a small village and she has freinds here. I think she could easily make my life a misery here even if not intentionally a few comments to people in the village and I could see myself being shunned.

Skrimbo, don't cave in. This will continue to seriously impinge on your happiness and then you'll become resentful and maybe even lash out.

How well do you know each other? If not that well, then here's a lesson - get to know each other first, before pointing out annoying habits. You'll find she's much more receptive because you've treated her as a human being.

Go round there tomorrow with a box of biccies and say you're sorry if you upset her, that it wasn't your intention. Say that you should really have spent more time getting to know her before and that you hope you can start again on the right footing.

Then take it from there.

We had a nightmare computer-obsessed dickhead living above us who'd blast computer games day and night - even through a summer heatwave (why have fun in the park when you can kill some people on Grand Theft Auto?!). We chatted to him and his girlfriend, got to know them, had them round a few times, then asked if he was aware how loud his computer was and made it clear that it was a real disturbance.

It took a few weeks to sink in but eventually he got the picture.

Best of luck!

Aww it's a nightmare, when we were growing up we lived next to noisy neighbours for years. If it wasn't screaming and shouting and effing and blinding,it was the teenage sons playing shite music at all hours. It's not on really,could you not blast music out when it's quiet on her side? Just so she knows what it's like, it's not very subtle but she might get the hint

I did this to my neighbour when my (too tolerant Mum) was away for a night, needless to say she didn't like being kept up until 4 in the morning, but after years of her crap, it was a small and petty revenge lol.

A friend of mine in France did the same as you, BlackLetter. It worked.

I don't want to get into tit for tat, I do turn my msuic up abit when hers is on somethimes just enough to try and cover hers.

I did have evil thoughts of getting hold of some thrash metal and woring out her night shifts and putting somthing horribl on repeat while I go to the supermarket, but then that would be silly and give her ammunition.

I just wonder why she thinks it is OK to play it so loud, the houses are pretty thin walled at the best of times, she is not a teenager, but according to her she is just playing her music.

I am glad I wasn't prepared, because now I am thinking of all the bitchy replys to what she said and I think it would have just made it into a real argument as it is I think I can accross as reasonable.

Oh no, i had a similar thing a few years ago , neighbours got divorced and the woman then started to belt out her music at every opportunity.
At first i figured she was probably trying to cheer herself up a bit , but it got worse and worse.
We were in a terrace so other neighbours complained but she started to play it even louder out of some kind of silly defiance.
I too had to leave the house on several occasions as i couldnt stand it.

She would often open all her windows and doors for some strange reason.
The final straw came when i had listened to the racket for hours and hours ( with a small baby ) , id had enough.
As i came out of my front door in a rage she pulled up in her car !
She had been out for the day and for some reason left the music on full blast!!!

My rude neighbour had lots of family living on our street and i think this was part of why i let it go on for so long also that shed recently been divorced and i felt bad for her.

She eventually moved but i would never ever put up with it again .

It doesnt sound like your going to get much sense out of her , she probably knows full well shes making a racket and is continuing to do so because she gets away with it.

If you feel you can aproach her again just be really clear , its loud and if it doesnt stop you will report her.

If you cant face it, take the cowards way out, get an assertive freind to babysit while you go " out " and have your freind / mum or whoever go round and tell her.

What do the other neighbours say ?

No neighbour on the other side, so just me that is affected.

I thought about having MIl in and getting her to pop next door with same message, but when I told MIl she didn't seem bothered, I think she thought it was a bad time of year to tackle it. MIL has been in the house when the music is on and knows it is loud enough to drive me round there.

No music today, and she was in this evening so I don't think she was working, it seems to be half an hour to two hours before she goes to work late afternoon.

At least it is not booming base, that would have really driven me mad by now.

Maybe she will now be a bit more considerate now with a bit of luck.
Failing that you,ll need to go round again .
I now kick myself for the miserable 12 months i spent listening to my neighbours racket , strangley i didnt want to upset her despite the fact she was driving me out of my own home.

If you do have to go round again just get straight to the point " Can you turn your music down its disturbing me ".You dont have to aplogise or explain .
No doubt she will try and make out your being unreasonable , repeat as necessary.
Should it continue i wouldnt hesitate in speaking to enviromental health and i would let her know that.

How's it going, skimbo/skramble? Have you spoken to your neighbour?

Quite surprised by you asking your MIL to approach her - if I were your MIL I'd tell you to do it yourself. Maybe that's the reason why she 'didn't seem bothered' - she expects you to stand up for yourself.

Please remember also that your DCs will learn an awful lot from you about how to engage with the world. At the moment you're unwittingly teaching them that it's a good thing to let people walk all over you. Are you sure that is what you want them to grow up believing/ doing? How are you best going to enable them to become effective communicators?

Good luck. Let us know how things progress.

Doing fine, no music heard so far, but I don't think she was working again tonight.

Just to clarify I didn't ask MIL to have a word, I was just telling her about it, another poster suggested havng someone else in say babysitting and have themn have a word too. I wondered about having MIL basicly back me up if she happened to be in. But no I would just ask MIl to go round that would all be a bit too Eastenders .

I really hoped that I was teaching my children about consideration and comprimise, they are well aware that her husband died horribly in a car crash, and her music has been a bit of a joke with them. I suppose they do see me annoyed by it but doing nothing much about it.

If I do have to go nextdoor again I will not make any excuses or faff about I will just say Excuse me could you possibly turn down the music its very loud, and I can't here my TV/ or I am trying to work.

Fingers crossed she has taken it on board and didn't realise just how loud it is in here, time will tell.

I think it's understandable you didn't say anything at first given the circumstances...unfortunately that's probably why she seems to be surprised now! I do think trying to be friendly is your best option - maybe stick a note through the door explaining how you don't wish to stop her playing her music but how much it bothers you, and ask her if she can compromise - appeal to her better nature maybe. She might have been really defensive because she felt put on the spot...

At least if you've not heard it so much since you went round, maybe she has taken it on board. x