about mil giving 18mth old two charity shop books?

[bobdog]

The Pil are well off but this really is n't a money thing.
When I had our older daughter, now 3 1/2, we were building our house living in a caravan so no big presents, thank you very much. Since we've moved in this has continued which we like, I don't want the girls expecting gifts every time they see grandparents every six weeks or so but I think we have always made it clear that Christmas and birthdays were special occasions and should be marked so I make pictures/cards/calenders with the girls to give, bake a cake etc, etc, so ruled out bah humbug I hope.

The MIL always seems to ignore our DD 18 mth old who is now walking, pointing understanding, trying to talk, very happy and smiley etc but goes over the top with older dd , baking cakes, going for walks, playing in sand pit, reading stories but never includes the younger one.

When eldest was born she sent a gold charm for her but nothing for youngest, last christmas same, lots for older child nothing at all for younger 'because she is a baby and you've got everything'. This year I feel DD2 is really becoming a little person so to find on the big day that MIL had sent to elder one a nice cooking set and a little hat and bag and then for the younger two books obviously from a charity shop, both torn .

The upsetting thing about the books is that at her home she's bought brand new lots and lots of the childrens classics which are obviously wonderful but the two gifts are tv tie in's (we don't watch a lot of tv) and read out loud really badly. I think because we're not over whelmed with toys and books the girls look after all the gifts we've recieved very nicely.

So go on AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?

Er... on the face of it, no. Why is she so off to your youngest? Any ideas?

Is it possible that you've misread somehow? "Never ascribe to malice that which can be ascribed to incompetence", and all that...

Well, I'm a big fan of charity shops and minimalist gift giving for small children, but even so that sounds bad. I really dislike badly chosen, crappy tv tie in books.

YANBU.

YANBU initally I thought it was an OMG charity shop thing but there should not be disparity between siblings.

I think your dh may need to say something along the lines of " treat them equally or not at all", dd2 will always already "have" inherited stuff, but time etc should also be shared equally.

Does MIL "do" babies, and does she realise that dd2 has grown????

You can get nice books from charity shops! It looks as though your MIL is making NO effort with your youngest... maybe you should have stopped at one?

What does your DH think? I would ask him to say something now as it is his parents, your youngest dd won't notice now but if this carries on in a couple of years time she'll be wondering why her DGM spends more time and gives more to her big sis

Thank you all for your prompt replies, have been brooding about it all since the 25th!

So...Am going to assume that yes, I am justified in feeling cross with mil

but instead of continuing to think dark, upset thoughts about it all am going to write out that lovely phrase in large friendly letters
"Never ascribe to malice that which can be ascribed to incompetence" and combine it with MIL probably not 'doing' babies (think you may have something there Doris) and move on, which I'd not thought of before .

Will try to get DH to point out how much DD2 has grown and what a good example it would be to DD1 if she could be included in activites, etc.

For xmas this year we did a small album of pictures which included lots of DD2 painting, washing up with big sis, etc so hopefully will get the hint!

Cheers, thanks for that great phrase, good sentiment to take into new year

My mum plays favourites as does my mil so be prepared for the fact that your mil may just prefer one of your dd's over the other.

Not nice if it does happen but you do hear of it often

Is your mil an eldest? Sounds like she's very aware of not making your elder daughter feel dethroned in any way, perhaps? Another thought, there is perhaps some sense in not going overboard for an 18m old in terms of presents, in terms of that age group being too young to be massively present orientated- could she be saving her proper gifts for when dd2 is a bit older? Having said all that, if your gut feeling is that there is a favouritism problem I think you're wise to keep an eye on it. The remedy is usually encouraging them to spend some one-to-one time together, imo.

I think even if dd2 doesn't notice yet her older sis probably will and that doesn'treally give her a good message does it?

I would get yor dh to have a quiet word an say basically 'treat them the same or you won't see either of them' in a nicer more long winded cat way that lets her know this is not a threat but a concern of yours at the way they are treated so differently.

My mil was a bit like this for a while and I think it took her longer to bond with ds2 - in a lot of ways he is harder work and less immediately appealing compard with ds1 so I do understand but I felt really strongly that she mustn't obviously favour ds1. Thanksfully she seems to have got the message without needing 'the chat' though...

Well, at first i was ready to jump in with a big fat YABU, but to be honest, i would be upset too, not about the books per se, but that for some reason the bond doesnt seem to be there. Is it something to do with the LOs age, that MIL doesn't interact well or was she fine with the older ones?

I'd come straight out and tell her. I wouldnt do the whole treat them equal chat at first, because im willing to bet that if you flag it up, it might be that your MIL with be shocked and upset to think that her being "sensible" is not that at all. FWIW, my mother has no taste in childrens books and would go for awful TV tie ins, simply because it would be familiar to her, but you are right they always read horribly. I love charity shops for kids books though, we have more than the library i swear and have picked up some real gems. Lots of duffers though, but at 30p a go, who cares.

YANBU - same thing happens with my two - littlest DD gets completely ignored - its horrible...

By writing down the background stuff it's helped see the bigger picture. When the present was opened and my feelings went from puzzlement, embarrassment (my folks were there), anger, guilt for feeling cross, etc... over just a couple of books realised I'm going to have to stop ignoring the others bits and pieces.

MIL was great with DD1 who's first grandchild,FIL would n't even hold the baby,not sure he had much to do with their three which I find strange because my Dad was really hands on and loves DDs.

In the last year bits have come out about MIL's mother, a cold fish who put the local church before the 4 children,and father, lovely man had the great knack of making each child feel like the favourite. So I don't think she's got a pattern as to what a 'good granny' is.Add in my guess that she, a bit cold elegent & didn't like the idea of being old and a granny, hero worships older brother, loves to bits younger brother and is jealous/resents a bit the baby of the family happy, smiley, jolly aunt v.

What a big can of worms, am seeing them on 31st so better get it straight in my head by then..

YANBU. I agree that 2nd children often don't 'need' lots of new toys, but that's no reason to treat them so differently. The first Christmas DS2's Christmas money went towards his ISOFIX car seat, can't remember what we did last year, and this year, I've again got a stash of cash from the GP's to spend as I see fit as there was no 'big' present that he needed in the way that DS1 did. I'm perfectly happy with that. I don't want them to spend the same amount on both if that means that DS2 ends up with lots of duplicates of toys that we already have. I don't expect the money to balance out what they spend on DS1, but since they give it, then I save it, and spend it at a later date on something that would suit DS2.