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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU - to have interevened in grandparents games with DS's?

15 replies

ByThePowerOfBaileys · 27/12/2008 22:03

They don't like competitive games.
so when playing connect 4 DS1 didn't win every game but he won alot.
SO Grandad changed the game so that there couldn't be a winner.
and DS1 managed to find a way of winning the unwinable game and Grandad was determined that DS1 should get used to loosing as you can't win every time (BUT HE DID WIN!)
So they started having a game of cars - DS1 said ready steady Go and he and DS2 started racing down the hall - and grandad stopped them and said it wasn't about who came first.

AT this point I stepped in.

"Sorry Grandad - the thing is DS1 did win, and it is great that he won, it is also great that he is playing nicely with DS2 a race which he may or may not win"
"but"
"no grandad - no buts - DH and I have NO problem with the boys playing competitive games - one will win - one will loose the balance is there"

at this point he spoke in Chinese to Grandma and they went upstairs and packed and left within 30 minutes - apparently they got vibes that they had overstayed their welcome!

I perhaps should have been more gentle about it but I had listened to him for the last 3 days correcting and disciplining DS1 whilst smiling and cuddling DS2 whilst he was being a PITA.

OP posts:

Original poster

ByThePowerOfBaileys · 27/12/2008 22:10

[bump]

OP posts:

Hassled · 27/12/2008 22:19

YANBU in theory, but I guess a lot would come down to the way you said it. I mean what you said was right, but if they left within 30 mins then you must have said it pretty forcefully? If so, then maybe a chatty phone call tomorrow before any grudges start to form would be an idea.

bellavita · 27/12/2008 22:24

Have they ever left in a hurry before?

They are guests in your house and should respect how you parent.

thisisyesterday · 27/12/2008 22:26

yes, unreasonable.
was ds1 upset at the change in games? or the no winner?
if not then you should have just been grateful that they have grandparents who love them and want to play with them and keep them both happy,.

doesn't matter if there is a winner and a loser. doesn't matter if rules are changed.

hullygully · 27/12/2008 22:26

I like them. Why did they speak in Chinese?

piscesmoon · 27/12/2008 22:40

YABU- I think you just explain to DCs that grandparents play games differently and as they don't see them much it is kind to fit in.

Original poster

ByThePowerOfBaileys · 28/12/2008 13:38

thanks all for your thoughts..
The thing is they are good grandparents but they are determined that everything should be completely equal - life isn't like that - DH and I believe that naturally through childrens games children learn to believe that it is ok to come 1st or to be happy for the person who came 1st.

I was more forceful than I normally am - and did go and talk to grandad afterwards and say sorry if what I had said had upset him.
We parted on very good terms - I just have been pondering and feeling that I shouldn't have said anything - because Piscesmoon - I think you are right people playing games differently also fits into the learning about games that DH and I want for the boys.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

OP posts:

cornsilk · 28/12/2008 13:43

Are they dh's parents then? I don't think that playing a few games with their grandparents would have made any difference to your ds's really. I think it was perhaps a bit OTT to say something, as has been said they're good grandparents to actually play with your chn - my dh's parents certainly don't!

basementbear · 28/12/2008 14:06

I don't agree with games always having to be non-competitive, real life is not like that and we all have to get used to not winning sometime! But like Cornsilk said I think I would have been pleased that the grandparents were actually wanting to play with your DCs and not sitting on their bums expecting to be served endless cups of tea and mince pies like at our house

piscesmoon · 28/12/2008 14:17

I don't agree with non competitive games and I had to tell grandparents, when DS1 was small, that letting him win wasn't good for him. Luckily when I had more than one they saw that it was impossible! In the case of OP I think they just have to be grateful that they are entertaining the DCs and explain to DCs that some people like fairness above competition.

believer07 · 28/12/2008 16:00

does anyone else have one of those children that just 'wins' all the time anyway. I got battle ships for my DS1 thinking that I could teach him to play it, and he beats me hands down every time, I have given up playing ludo.

Anna8888 · 28/12/2008 16:02

Are your PILs Chinese? And what origins does your family have? It sounds as if there may be cultural clashes going on here.

Anna8888 · 28/12/2008 16:02

Are your PILs Chinese? And what origins does your family have? It sounds as if there may be cultural clashes going on here.

MerryMadMarg · 29/12/2008 09:25

While I agree with you that children do need to be allowed to play competitive games, and to win, I don't see the harm in 'rigging' a game occasionally to make sure DS1 doesn't win. DS1 has the natural advantage of being older, and at some point DS2 will get mightly offended at losing all the time. An older sibling does need to be aware that they need to be 'nice' to their younger sibling, and to allow them to win occasionally to make them feel better.

When they are at school with friends, they will be far more equal because they are of a similar age. Yes, there will always be children who win more often, but the adults around them have a duty to make sure that children's spirits are not 'crushed' by never winning anything at all.

I think what your PIL (I assume they are inlaws?) did was sweet, and I think you went overboard in stopping it as forcefully as you did. Was your DS1 upset by their interference? It doesn't sound as though he was, so why on earth did you get so fiercely protective????

Besides, another good thing for your children to learn, is that different adults behave differently, and that what is acceptable to mum at home is not necessarily acceptable to other adults in different environments. Otherwise your going to have sad, lonely children who don't know how to fit in at friends houses so don't get invited.

ninedragons · 29/12/2008 09:38

Did you say this in front of your children?

Assuming they are Chinese, culturally that could have been a bit of a gaffe. He might have found it somewhat humiliating to be told off in front of his grandchildren.

They sound like fab grandparents, to be honest. There have been a vast number of threads lately about GPs favouring one GC over another, and if they strive to that extent to keep things equal, they're gems.

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