to think ds's dad should do some bedtimes?

[MamaChris]

ds is nearly 11mo. his dad is not my dp, visits one day a week (negotiating access has been really tough) but ds will eventually go there for overnights. he normally leaves after ds's tea, and will stay later if tea runs late.

ds is not a good sleeper, and I really want him to get used to his dad doing bedtime before he goes to stay with him to try and minimize the disturbance when he has to sleep away from his normal bed. I've asked a few times if he wants to do part of the bedtime routine (bath or books or both), but he always says no, and won't give any reason (once before he said it was because ds didn't like books - which was totally untrue then and now).

I don't know whether to push this or not - dad is a PITA to try and talk to (he just stops speaking). but first I need to know AIBU to want him to do this?

yanbu. he should do it a couple of times or else all hell might break loose when DS goes to stay. better for both of them if he knows what he's doing.

ds not liking books, . yeah right.

of course he should do this and want to. he needs to give you concrete reasons why he shouldn't? doesn't he want to share this lovely time of day with ds?

if he expects to have his ds overnight he must do this first? unless he doesn't want this to happen maybe?? certainly YANBU.

I think he does want the overnights - in recent "discussions", he brought up that he expected ds to stay with him. he doesn't really enjoy the "routine" parts of ds's day (feeding, naptime) and prefers playtime in our front room. but I agree - bathtime and storytime are really lovely times of the day, and I don't get why he doesn't want to share those parts of his ds's life. but tbh communication has really died between us, so will need to plan carefully how to broach the subject again.

i do feel for you my exhusband and i split up when ds1 was just 15m, up until that time he had not been a very involved father, but he had overnight stays v.quickly. he didn't have a clue what to do with ds, but very quickly learnt!!! ds1 now nearly 10yrs old, sometimes communication is easier other times its not, one of the reasons we seperated in the first place! i hope he sees sense xx

Right... I can understand why you would want your DS's routine stuck too, as its best for him and frankly would make life easier for your ex as well. As you and others say it is a lovely part of the day and personally cant understand just why your ex wont get involved in this aspect yet as he will have to if he wants overnights

That said, as a parent who is no longer with your DS's other parent (didnt want to asume you are a 'single parent') one thing you will have to get used to is that you cant really control what happens when your LO is with his Dad. You will just have to let him get on with it and hope for the best. Hopefully he will see sense in that it is best sticking to LO's routine but you have to be prepared for him not wanting to.It already sounds as if he is being awkward for the sake of it, and this may continue. Maybe he just doesnt like being told what to do (not saying you are doing this but men can interpret advice/pointers as this) Maybe he is just putting off overnights till your LO sleeps better, only he knows whats going on in his head

wise words oldraver. of course, I believe I know what's best for ds, and want dad to do it my way for ds's sake I try hard not to tell him what to do (except I do ask that he doesn't try and wake ds up when he's napping - even that has been controversial). it's difficult when I can see ds getting frustrated as things are done in unfamiliar ways, but I know dad will end up doing things his way whatever I say, so try to say as little as possible. it's difficult to accept that overnight sleep routines will be one of those things. because ds has been such a terrible sleeper, I do worry (a lot!) about messing with his routine - we're down to waking only 4 times a night these days, but one bad day can set us back for several nights. hopefully he is just putting off overnights till ds sleeps better.