To feel sorry for DD?

[NotBlackandWhite]

Sorry I have posted this in another forum also.

I seem to have the opposite problem to a lot people. My DH really wants to be a part of my DD's life but he's so full on and it is not working out.

He has two kids of his own (aged 7 and 12) and he is very, very involved with their lives and he tries to be the same with my DD but she has not been brought up in such a restrictive manner and she's not used to having an adult breathing down her neck 24/7.

If she has anything going on at school, he insists on being there. He is a parent governer at his own kids schools and at my DD's school. He volunteers for EVERYTHING to do with school, he interferes in school plays etc to ensure his kids (and mine) gets a good part. When his son started football practice, he decided to train as a coach so he could be 'in' on it. His kids are used to it but its really upsetting my daughter. She said her friends take the mick and call him the stalker. He's really strict with the kids also, his son is not allowed to play out. His daughter is not allowed anywhere without him. My daughter was supposed to be going to n under 18s night the friday before christmas and whilst I was at work she checked with him that she could still go and he said no as it 'wasn't the right kind of environment for her', she's 14 but he treats her like a little kid.

I know he cares alot for her, if ever he takes his son to the sea-side he insists she goes with them. She resists for a while but he bribes her with allsorts and she ends up going and comes home all smiles because she's really enjoyed herself. Then he'll say something like "see, whilst your mates are out getting drunk, smoking and getting into trouble, you were having a nice time at the sea-side with your family".

I can see why he's the way he is but she hates it and I feel for her. It must be embarrassing for her?

I think it could be about control, which doesn't help you.

It's great that he cares and is interested obviously, but is he afraid that if he delegates any responsibility or judgement over to YOU, child's mother!, that either things won't be done properly, or you won't report back to him correctly.

I don't know, but maybe there are some techniques for persuading control freaks to let go of some of their control, and to respect other people (specifically their wife's) judgement and method of doing things etc.

As an adult, I feel an initial reaction to think that being involved and interested in all of the kids lives can only be a good thing (unlike many of the disinterested/uninvolved Dps discussed on here).

But then I remember what it was like being a kid and honestly - I would have been absolutely mortified if my parents were involved (especially in the school) to that extent. 14 is such a sensitive age too. No advice sorry- but I do really feel for her.

If he is her step father then he should not over-rule you EVER on points of disicpline (and vice versa). If he does, then clearly he has control issues over you as well (and you are enabling the situation by aloowing that). This will not end well if he continues to interfere like this.

Coming at this from an outsider it seems as though he feels if he treats your DD differently in any way then it will seem as though it's because he's her step dad and so will upset her or you, which IMO is admirable. So can you approach it from another view - she is older, a girl and a teenager, she needs treating differently because of this. He needs to back off a bit because she is a teenage girl, not because he loves her any less than his kids?

I don't think control and love can be equated. Does he really, in his heart of hearts, think that this degree of control freakery is really in his kids best interests - or can he just not control his desire to control them? 'Getting them good parts' etc? Why does he have complete control over the family anyay? Presimably the op found the control feakery in some way attractive - but that was her choice, not her dd's.

I really don't get why his behaviour is seen as 'admirable'. It would drive me demented, as an adult or a child.

That would have driven me nuts as a 14 year old. I feel sorry for her.