to be pissed off by my mothers blatant favouritism of my brother?

[bunny3]

I have always wanted to post under this topic and here's my chance!!

xmas day with parents and (newly single and much doted on) brother. I dont have a close relationshiop with my mother but we accept each other as she is a good grandparent and my dcs love her.

First my parents gave us Xmas cards. My brothers read "To our son, with lots of love your mum and dad", mine read "To Bunny, all the best" wtf . I would never write that message in a card to a child of mine ffs

Present-swapping was also shit with db getting hugs and ooohs and "arent you generous" etc. My (more thoughtful and more expensive) gifts barely got a response.

I wish it didnt upset me that db is such an obvious favourite, but it still fecking does.

maybe they are making afuss of him because he is newly single and it is their way of cheering him up?

I thought that too but my mother has always been very affectionate with him. She adores him and makes it so sodding obvious. Dh is shocked by how blatant it was yesterday. She virtually ignored me.

Try and avoid being in these situations by not visiting her when he is there. That is what I do. I still see my brother, but usually without my Mum around.

I am sorry you where made to feel left out. How is your brother with her, very affectionnate to or rather distant? if he is a bit more reserved than her, it might be another explanation to why she goes the extra mile with him. She might thingk she has got a good enough relationship with you and takes you for granted. ( I do not mean that in a bad way but sometimes you do not know how good someone is to you until you miss them a bit?)

we have this too with DH's sister - I could have written your OP! We live a long way from them and so he usually sits through phone calls once a week all about his sister and they never ask about him. Dh barely said 3 words to his sister for the 3 days we were there - which embarrassed even me - wish his parents could see they are destroying the relationship between the two of them.

I have decided to avoid visiting my parents when db is around (he lives in London and only visits 3 or 4 times a year) Next Xmas will be just me and my lovely dcs and dh.

I just dont think my mother likes me very much. I am quite confident, opinionated and extrovert, my db is more like my mum, placid, compliant and quiet. I love all my dcs equally, even though they are very different and one is much harder work than the others, I still love them all to pieces and would never show favouritism.

MLTN, I love my brother dearly and dont blame him for it. How sad it is destrying your dhs relationship. Does he still get upset by it? I just want to reach a point where I accept it and get on with my life.

bunny - my mum is exactly the same. My brother was her first born and he is very like her in personality (gregarious, talkative, sociable). She doesn't even deny that she prefers him, is completely blatant about it and my DH is always stunned by the way she goes on (oh your brother is so handsome, isn't he? And really intelligent, all his teachers thought he'd go to Oxford blah blah...) And here I am finishing my PhD off, great job lined up etc and I don't get a mention , and my brother didn't go to Oxford btw - he went to Hull!!

It is really hard but I think the only way to deal with it is to try to stop caring. You know you are just as good as he is, you have your DH and your DC that love and value you so I think the trick is to focus on that rather than what your parents do/say. Easier said than done I know but I think it is the only way to cope with something like this.

I too could have written the OP. My Mum treats my 40+ brother like he is 15 and indulges him beyond belief.
He rarely remembers my DC's birthdays and didn't send them anything for Christmas ( I am NOT materialistic, but he is their uncle FGS a £5 voucher would have been something). As he lives abroad I always have my parents fro christmas and it's not easy for a myriad of reasons. My DB deigns to ring in from overseas and teh whole world has to stop. I sympathise totally.

I'll stop ranting now - but you are not alone

YANBU but get over it!!!

Sorry but please don't waste years (like i have) feeling crappy about it all. I no longer see my db as he is someone that my mum has completely ruined

He spends so much time running back to mummy and she enables his crap behaviour that i can no longer see it all going on.

DH,the DC and i spent Christmas day alone yesterday for the 1st time in 17 years and althought it was hard i got through it and even enjoyed it.

Concentrate on your DH and DC and forget about the rest of the crap!!

Please don't think it is somehow your fault or to do with your personality! Parents rarely see their adult children as they really are. There could be a million and one reasons why she might act this way, and you can't change that. Does he have children? Maybe she sees you as a mum and him as a child.

Finbar gosh I live abroad and it does happen when I call home at christmas that yes, people are quite happy to talk to me for a bit (I call my parents every other day religiously all year). I hope my DB and Ds do not think I am a spoilt brat! I had never seen things under that angle! Gulp!

How is your relationship with your brother? I have had this situation too but because I get on well with my brother and he recognises what has happened, it is much easier to deal with. We laugh about the past incidents and he is outraged on my behalf when new things happen.

It is very hard to avoid wasting time resenting this. I freely admit, that I cannot get past my parents blatent favouritism of my brother, and simply dont see them or him any more. (He goes along with it and accepts everything they give him)

I think I could have forgiven childhood grievances, except that I know they have left the huge bulk of their property to him. Knowing now, that that is their final statement to the world, I prefer not to waste the next however many years keeping up a mutual pretence that they care about me or my children.

Interesting MillyR, I have 3 children and he has none (17 yrs with a woman who never wnated children). now he is 44 and childless.

Nighbynight, that is shocking . Bloody hell. I just dont get it. I'm a parent and I just wouldnt do that to my child.

I want to get past this. I do not want to shed any more tears over my mothers actions, they ruined my childhood. I felt very lonely as a child, like I didnt fit in to the family. It took me until I was in my 30s to get professional help. But how do I let go?

AGCHN, do you have anything to do with your mother or do you avoid her completely? My dcs have a very ggod relationship with her so I dont want to cut her out completely. It's ironic that she is such a good grandparent but such a poor mother.

Since i decided to live my own life and not jump through hoops and provide the financial/practical/emotional help things have changed hugely.

My parents now only visit my dc ( ds's are 17 and 13 and dd's are 4.5 and 2.5) once every 2 or 3 weeks instead of once or twice a week.

My db has been allowed to shirk responsibility financially and towards his dc and my mother thinks it's fine iyswim? I am no longer prepared to just "go along with it all".

I used to think she was a wonderful GP too,although she always favoured my db's dc in the same way she favoured my db. She is probably feeling prety crap since i withdrew my support etc. I no longer had the mental strength to cope with my 60 hour a week job and 4 dc as well as my families shit.

But i do miss my family birthdays/Christmas's etc.