To miss my baby?

[aam]

Many years ago, when I was a student I got pregnant. I knew I couldn't have it. My GP organised an abortion. The night before I started bleeding really heavily.

I told the doctor at the clinic, she answered "You were going to get rid of it anyway, so what?"

I'm embarrassed to admit I knew next to nothing about pregnancy then. Now I've had more children I know how formed a baby is at 12 weeks. They told me it was nothing. This hurts but its all my fault.

That's irrelevant to my OP. Basically I miss my baby and think a lot of how old he would be now. Would he have grown up to look like my other children?

He'd be 11 now. I had a very vivid dream when I was pregnant that I was holding a tiny premie baby boy and saying goodbye.
Bizarrely that dream is a comfort to me.

Nobody in my life now knows about this.

Please be gentle and this isn't an abortion debate.

i am sorry - there is a Mx and bereavement section and your post may be better responded to in there

AIBU is known for its somewhat robust responses

In answer, i would have thought you would benefit from counselling to work through your feelings

That is a shame aam.

I also had an abortion years ago.
I am still happy that I made the right decision, more so now I do have a child and know the commitment and stamina needed!

It sounds like you didn't really feel in control of your choice, which is a great shame. You could look into counselling for this issue if it is affecting you?

You obviously weren't treated very sympathetically.

It's very hard isn't it?

I had a termination when I was about to start University. It was definitely the right decision and, at the time, I felt no guilt.
However, now I'm a mum I do (strangely because it was a LONG time ago) occasionally wonder what he/she would be like.

BTW - I think your doctor was incredibly insensitive and unprofessional to say those things to you

I've nothing else to add except that your feelings IMO are perfectly normal. You made a decision that was right at the time.

Firstly of all - you won't be the first person to have thought like this, you are not alone in it.

Secondly - you were treated badly by the gp and the clinic if nothing was explained to you and you weren't offered any councelling.

Why haven't you told anyone? Have you got a dp/dh? What do you think they'd say if you told them.

Of course you are not being unreasonable, you are grieving.

It was not your fault, regardless of what you were planning to do you had a miscarriage. And even had you had an abortion it would be fine to grieve. The doctor was stupid an insensitive.

Is there nobody in your life you could talk about this to - it sounds like you need to talk it through?

Sorry i dont have any consturctive advice, but didnt want to ignore your post, you know this time of year can stir up all kinds of emotions in us and you are certainly NBU to miss your baby, the doctor was very crass and unfeeling to your situation, but you have to look at this way, nature took its course with you, and it wasnt meant to be, sorry it still makes you sad, talking about it will probably help, or maybe some counciling? have you talked to your GP/DP/DH how you feel?

I had a termination 5 years ago, and I still feel very sad about it, and sometimes I wish I'd done things differently. But I completely agree with ThatAngels, my feelings about it have changed enormously since I had dd. I don't remember regretting it at the time, but now I see dd, and think she'd have a big brother or sister, would it have been a boy or a girl, would it have looked like her etc etc. I find it much harder at this time of year as I had my termination on 21st December, and my SIL announced her pg on Christmas Day that same year. I spent a lot of that evening in the bathroom, sobbing. I often look at my nephew and feel enormous regret and shame about it.

Your feelings seem perfectly natural to me, but as Ruby says, you may need to explore them a little further with a counsellor.

Thinking of you.

Oh love, I know how you feel, i have lost three myself to miscarraige. I think that most doctors are matter of fact about abortion as they have to be because they are the ones that are taking the life.

I know this may sound strange but I think it was a blessing that you lost your child in a natural way rather than having made the decision yourself to end its life.

We don't know much until we become mothers and realise how wonderful little lives are and what a miracle they are.

You made a decsion to have an abortion but you dont actually know that you would have gone through with it, the decision was taken out of your hands.

Have a small ceremony for your lost baby, put some flowers in a river or the sea and give him a name. I am a christian and I firmly believe that my other children are waiting to meet me when that day comes. Cherish the time you have with your children that are here.

Blessingsxx

rubyslippersiappearinginpanto. Sorry but I did want to know if I was being unreasonable missing a child I made a decision not to keep.

I can take robust replies. I've had these thoughts in my head for many years, to write them down is enough for me.

of course YANBU - i just wanted to make sure you were aware of AIBU and its vagaries

glad to see you have had plenty of supportive reposnses

Pinkjennybellrock

Thats exactly how I feel. At the time I just did what I thought was necessary.

Being a mum with a lovely family somehow makes it worse. Its as if he could be here sharing our good times.

I understand. And from someone who has been there, and is there, YANBU.

aam - ofcourse you are not being unreasonable.

I'm sure lots of people who go through with abortions miss their babies terribly.

I had an abortion, and missed my baby so much. They only way I could see toun- do the damage I had done was to get pregnant again, before what would have been the due date. I've convinced myself the baby I became pregnant with has the same sole as the baby I aborted.

The point I'm trying to make is that just because you decide a termination is for the best, doesn't mean you don't love your baby completely.

Of course YANBU , perfectly natural to reflect on such a big event on your life .
The medics attitude to you were awful , very uncaring and unprofessional.

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm going to get this sorted. It's been too long.

Will speak to GP.

I cant't believe how many people think the same. Oddly comforting to know I'm not the only one who looks back with regret.

Many thanks again for your kind words.

I also lost a baby through miscarriage and it must be as bad as having an abortion. I then went on to have a son and eight and a half years later had a gaughter who is now a very talented actress in London. If my first baby had survived and then had my son I dont think I would have had my daughter. Although you dont think it at the time there is a reason for everything. In a few years time you will look back on this and realise what the reason was.